IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Parades mar otherwise successful riots in Northern Ireland
Monday, 15 July
Traditional 12th of July riots in Northern Ireland have been largely successful despite the efforts of some people to mar them with parades.
Rioting continued for several days and shows no real sign of abating.
“It’s all gone very well,” a rioter said.
“It’s just a pity some people saw fit to hold parades in the middle of our riots.”
Seanad insists it’s relevant, talks about fanny
Tuesday, 16 July
In a determined attempt to demonstrate its relevance the Seanad is to hold an inquiry into what Senator David Norris means by the word “fanny”.
During angry scenes concerning the proposed abolition of the Seanad Senator Norris accused Fine Gael TD Regina Doherty of “talking through her fanny”.
He also said long serving Senators should not have to listen to “the Regina monologue”.
Deputy Doherty is to make a formal complaint about the remarks which she described as sexist and inappropriate.
“An inquiry will have to consider whether Senator Norris was referring to the front of a bottom or the rear of a bottom and which is the more sexist,” a Seanad spokesman said.
The inquiry will have the power to decide whether the Senator was
2. a bit of a buffoon
3. a bit of a sexist buffoon
4. fannying about
Religious orders soil themselves laughing at ‘moral and ethical obligation’
Wednesday, 17 July
Religious orders admitted they wet themselves when Justice Minister Alan Shatter said they had a “moral and ethical obligation to contribute” to Magdalene survivors compensation schemes.
“I laughed so hard when he said that,” a nun told The Mire, “I had a little pee.”
Speaking on Morning Ireland Mr Shatter said he couldn’t remove their charitable status and there was no prospect of taking legal action against them for not contributing to compensation schemes.
“I laughed at that too,” the nun admitted.
New Anglo tape reveals banker getting tips from Magdalene nun
Thursday, 18 July
The latest Anglo tape reveals a senior banker getting tips from a Magdalene nun on how to improve the quality of his disdain.
In the taped conversation an Anglo banker praises a nun for refusing to compensate victims. “How do you do it?” the banker asks the nun. “We’re only in the ha’penny place when it comes to a cold heart and a brass neck.”
“Ah we’re not all bad, sure we pray for our victims,” the nun replies. “It’s part of our charm.”
The conversation becomes unclear then as they begin crying with laughter and the nun has a coughing fit after lighting a cigar with a €100 note.
Government creates jobs for senators
Friday, 19 July
Taoiseach Enda Kenny has appointed new spokesmen and women to the Seanad he wants to abolish.
Mr Kenny announced the appointment of four senators to new or additional roles in justice, social protection, European affairs and arts and heritage.
“I’m confident they will make a great contribution to something or other,” Mr Kenny said.
“You see,” said Jobs Minister Richard Bruton. “We do create jobs.”