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Dublin: 21 °C Tuesday 22 July, 2014

Snake oil, champagne-licking Troika: The week’s news skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Peter Mathews takes himself hostage and the Womb Repossession Bill takes centre stage.

Peter Mathews (left): It's alright, lads, panic over.
Peter Mathews (left): It's alright, lads, panic over.
Image: Sasko Lazarov/Photocall Ireland

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Micheál Martin’s snake oil removes austerity and abortion

Monday, 29 April

Snake oil salesman Micheál Martin told an excited crowd in Dublin yesterday that two drops of his magical elixir will remove all traces of austerity and abortion.

Hundreds queued to buy bottles of the remedy at €15.99 each, with many buying two for €40.

Some then went blind as they immediately splashed the laundered diesel on their faces but they were unperturbed. “Micheál told them they were seeing the light,” a witness said.

“I just happened to be passing,” Taoiseach Enda Kenny said as he left with two bottles.

The Outlaw Josey Wales then spat tobacco juice at Mr Martin before leaving for Canada for a brighter future.

Womb Repossession Bill takes centre stage in Dáil

Tuesday, 30 April

The much anticipated Womb Repossession Bill takes centre stage in the Dáil today and is expected to be controversial.

The debate is likely to be particularly acrimonious as a significant minority of Government TDs don’t believe wombs should be repossessed in any circumstances.

“A womb, in many circumstances, is the family home. It should never be repossessed,” a TD said on condition of anonymity.

The Bill allows for three justifiable circumstances for repossessing a womb.

These are:

• Having no regard for the contents of your womb
• Flaunting your womb
• Having a womb

It is understood that repossessed wombs will be stored in the facilities previously used to house e-voting machines.

Troika celebrates Ireland’s draft abortion legislation

Wednesday, 1 May

The EU-IMF-ECB Troika celebrated Ireland’s proposed abortion legislation into the small hours last night.

The revellers were said to be ecstatic that abortion and not austerity would continue to be the major talking point in Ireland.

“They were in high form, licking champagne off each other’s nipples and ordering anything they wanted,” a waiter at the best restaurant in the world, El Celler de Can Roca, said.“It was unusual behaviour for accountants.”

“This is fantastic,” a hungover ECB official said this morning. “They’ll be discussing abortion for ten years. By then we’ll have the beaches, the forests, the water, the air, the lot.”

Tragedy narrowly averted at Fine Gael meeting

Thursday, 2 May

Tragedy was narrowly averted at the Fine Gael parliamentary party meeting last night after TD Peter Mathews took himself hostage.

Mr Mathews grabbed himself by the scruff of the neck while the Taoiseach was speaking and shouted: “We are all going to die.”

The enigmatic cult leader then barricaded himself and his followers into a room amid fears that a siege situation would develop.

However, Mr Mathews emerged from the room during the tea break. “I was bored in there on my own,” he said.

Shock as banks fail to cut variable mortgage rates

Friday, 3 May

Irish banks have surprised the experts by not passing on an ECB interest rate cut to their variable rate mortgage customers.

“I’m quite shocked,” a leading economist said. “I was sure they’d do the right thing.”

“You’d miss the days when bankers stole from the rich and gave to the poor,” Finance Minister Michael Noonan said.

“You guys crack me up,” Richie Boucher, an out-and-out banker, said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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