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I’VE TAUGHT NEGOTIATION workshops and seminars in several countries across three continents and one thing I keep stressing is that negotiations are not reserved for big boardrooms or the United Nations. We negotiate all the time, every day, no matter who we are.
Think about it. Almost every single interaction in life – not only the big-money deals or trying to turn a prospect into a client – but the seemingly little things, like deciding with your friends what movie you’ll see or choosing with your partner which new restaurant you should try, are also negotiations.
Think about buying a car – or especially, for those of you with kids, think about nearly every interaction with them. Like trying to get your child out of bed and dressed to get to school on time. All of these examples involve negotiations!
Some basic tenets you may already have learned about negotiating are:
And, of course, you have to add due diligence and prep time to all of this. And there’s an emphasis on following a process. It’s exhausting.
But… Organisational-behaviour experts and researchers are applying a new structure – and I’ve adapted it for many of the large, multinational clients I work with too. From wherever you are at the moment, there is one simple but incredibly effective question that will help you get more.
Being human
While emphasising the importance of valuing the human ‘factor’ may already sound familiar to you, we don’t often deploy these new techniques in a deliberative and strategic fashion for every negotiation we encounter.
Too often, for the big, high-stake negotiations – like a contract or a multimillion-euro deal – we put aside the emotional stuff and depend rather on the facts, data and other ‘rational’ information, like value propositions or projections and so on, to try and make our case.
But the research today shows we will have a higher rate of success if we invest more time on the human emotion of the person sitting across from us at the table.
Tapping into emotions
The notion of tapping into the emotions of another person may seem super-obvious – or maybe super-foreign – but the question I often get is, “OK, I get it from a philosophical point of view, but how exactly do I do this?”
Simple. Start your next negotiations by asking a question: “So, how’s it going?”
Now, that may seem like a silly little thing – but there are four principles buried into that question:
Getting inside people’s heads
The reason we need to ask more questions is we need to spend time understanding what’s going on inside the head of the other person.
They may have received a speeding ticket while driving to the meeting. They may have recently lost a loved one. Outside influences can have serious influence on your meeting, but you will never know unless you ask.
The other person must be more important than you for your own goals to be met. This focus on people and relationships is not a weak negotiating tool – and it isn’t the only one, of course. But my experience has shown it is the key.
Making a connection with another person is the MOST persuasive thing that you can do. Make friends with the other party and they’ll help you find ways to achieve your goals.
Gina London is an award-winning former CNN correspondent who now serves as director of strategic communications at Fuzion. This article was originally posted on Fora.ie.
If you want to share your opinion, advice or story, email opinion@fora.ie.
The problem I have with the consent argument is that feminists will have you believe it’s black and white but there are grey areas.
An example is that if 2 people go to bed drunk and if one member especially if it’s the women regrets it then she can claim she didn’t have the capacity to give consent whilst the man it seems can’t make the same claim no matter how drunk.
Or if another joins them – as has happened in Ched Evans case.
Is it absence of consent or inability to remember if you consented?
A man can claim that. The difference is that no man ever does claim it. He just regrets his drunken one night stand, and gets on with his life, and in fairness that is what the vast majority of women do as well. We only ever hear of the mad ones. If it ever happens to you, just do like she does and claim to be too drunk and not remember anything.
Conscent is 9 times out of 10 implied or very obvious without actually discussing it. Most people dont actually ask if they can have sex before it happens so how will it be defined?
Very good point guns. I have never actually asked or been giving verbal consent. There are plenty of grey areas weather feminists like it or not.
I met one of the mad ones. She drank half a bottle of Jack Daneils and then turned psycho at about 4 am.
Disturbing development in the Evans case is that the Police get to claim what happened as well, combine that with last weeks SC ruling and we have a problem.
Shouldn’t that be “they” instead of “he”?
No that’s plural. It should be he or she, but in law, one or the other is used to imply either or.
The ‘Rape Network of Ireland’? How can such an awful organisation be allowed to exist!? Rapists are bad enough without allowing them to form a network!
I’m contacting the Rape Crisis Network of Ireland at once to report this terrifying development.
How about tightening up legislation on false allegations while we’re at it?
Which reminds me… Expect a story detailing how much funding RCNI need to carry on their good and balanced work any day now…
Not until October Paul.
Sounds like you’ve got a bit of a chip on your shoulder there Paul. Those kinds of stories do happen but they are rare.
The major problem is massive under-reporting of sexual assault and rape and an extremely low conviction rate.
Rape crisis network do good work, I dont know what you have against them
Diarmaid,
Research seems to put the number of false rape allegations at between 6 and 13%.
That’s quite high considering that a false allegation creates an entirely different kind of victim.
I have been on the recieving end of complaints (NOT for Sexual Assault) where the Gardaí were “just doing their job”, one was withdrawn and the other disappeared. It’s not really a chip to say that investigative standards in Ireland leave a lot to be desired.
Of course, under the “no smoke without fire” rules, I have to be guilty of something, right?
I know that this move has good intentions, but I cannot see it working. Consent is an extremely grey area with too many scenarios to give it a legal definition.
When was the last time your partner verbally asked consent before sex ? I know me and my partner don’t, the consent is implied in our actions and attitudes toward each other. And i know some people will say its different because we are in a relationship, bit I don’t ever remember time where I/someone verbally voiced consent, that’s why its so hard to define. It seems were moving toward a society where you nearly need to film the other person giving consent before touching them.
Some people will say ‘yes means yes’ or ‘no means no’ but we all know consent is much more complicated than those two sentences which is why we’re having the issues we’re having. Its like trying legally define friendship, you never ask someone “are we friends now”, it happens naturally and you know from the other persons attitude and actions..
I think asking simplifies things.
When we’re in bed I just stab her a couple of times in the lower back and if she responds I take it as consent ;-)
Also many times a person says no upwards of four or five times, the partner keeps asking or trying it, and eventually the person let’s it happen to stop the hassle. Is it still consent if the person has clearly stated multiple times they don’t want to? A male friend of mine was at a party and a guy actually said to him ” She said no did she? Just keep trying man you’ll get her to agree eventually!” He couldn’t believe it. I know the majority of men are not likely to behave that way but legally does anybody know would the person in that situation be considered to have given consent or not?
Demise
If someone actually says no 4 or 5 times and they mean it, then they can just walk out of the room to avoid being asked again. If they give in to avoid hassle they have then given their consent.
I’m not sure harassing someone into having sex really counts =/
Just saw your comment there now jinx Why should they have to leave? Surely if someone says no that should be the end of it?
If they consent, they consent. presuming they are free to not consent which even in the scenario you describe, is still the case.
We could muddle the waters by talking about verbal coercion but this is a crime ALREADY very difficult to prosecute. A clear definition and understanding benefits everyone. It benefits victims because they will be more confident of whether what they consider to be rape, is the what the law considers to be rape and it benefits men to know better where the line is.
I think in the scenario you speak of, I see no reason why the girl would not ask a friend to tell the man to f**k off. She doesn’t need to leave, she doesn’t need to sacrifice her night, she just needs to totally dis-engage with the man. You cannot claim that her saying no repeatedly, but continuing to engage with him and eventually saying yes should result in that man being convicted of rape. If she is being harassed, as Joanna makes out, then she should ask a friend keep him away and even call the Gardai if he continues to “harrass” her.
I’m not saying he should be prosecuted. I’m just asking what people’s opinion of the situation is. Personally I think the guy in question is a bit of a dick to keep pushing and go through with it because she let him knowing that she did not want to. But in saying that she is an adult and as has been pointed out could leave of her own free will or ask him/ask a friend to tell him to leave her alone.
What if he’s her boyfriend and they’re alone?
I’ve had the misfortune to have had an ex who took great issue with the fact that I didn’t seem to just spread my legs whenever he got the urge. He was a tad psychologically abusive in general (he had already isolated me from my friends), but his idea of foreplay was to get angry and shout or intimidate me into caving.
Would that be considered rape?
Or how about when you say no going to sleep, and wake up the next morning with them going at it anyway?
Some people have a funny understanding of consent. They seem to think of it as a “if this then that” scenario, namely “if I’m going out with them, they have to have sex with me” (it’s like the “if you have sex you gave consent to pregnancy” argument).
I think defining consent makes a lot of sense, and it’s something that should be on the sex ed curriculum. Even if they end up explaining it using that tea metaphor thats doing the rounds.
It’s getting to a stage where each party will have to produce a consent form and have it witnessed by 2 others, signed and dated before any physical contact can occur.
We used to have that. It was called a marriage certificate.
……..and of course a stamp from the garda station.
@Demise
I think that situation used to be described ‘ faint heart never won fair maiden’
Nowadays, its called stalking.
To be honest , once alcohol rears its ugly head in these situations , the ridiculously large grey area of consent comes into play which is an utter minefield for both parties.It is getting to the stage where parties may have to take a quick video selfie saying euphemestically that they’re going to have a good time together in order to protect themselves for any subsequent misgivings.Bizarre and a bit difficult but better safe than sorry.
Thanks John, what about in one night? My cousin was at a house party a few years ago and one guy kept trying it on. She said no four or five times but in her own words he would not stop trying so eventually she lay there and let it happen to stop him from hassling her. She would typically be quite a shy girl with low self confidence and she said she found it hard to say no. She doesn’t see it as having been assault as she didn’t physically try to stop him just said no a few times. I just wondered what the legal consensus would be in that situation or indeed whether others would class it as assault? Manipulation? Or consent? I know the guy in question displayed no guilt for his behaviour and didn’t apologise or seem to think he had behaved inappropriately.
Christ Demise , that smacks of constructive rape – but it also shows that your cousin has serious self-image issues and is probably in self denial . Hope she doesn’t dwell on it too much but again , would be almost impossible in a court of law to get a conviction ;-(
Constructive rape. FFS.
Yes rape can be a very difficult crime to prove and obtain conviction. Certainly what makes it even harder are false claims, and the “blurred lines” around consent. I’ve never actually heard the term constructive rape before. She has moved on from it at this stage John and is in a happy relationship at present. According to her she was not traumatised by it as she felt it was just an unpleasant experience, she didn’t class it as an assault.
Clearly ,Frederick , you see rape as a black and white issue – so i’m guessing you think that a man who hounds a woman ,who has repeatedly shown her lack of interest , to the point where she actually relents just to appease him is not rape.
The word ‘constructive’ means that short of out and out forcing somebody to do something against their will , you make life difficult for them until the relent. e.g. ‘constructive dismissal’.
Good to hear Demise – something like that can have a massive negative effect on some people esp if they’re a self-conscious.
I remember a while back another poster telling about her r/ship with an ex who would chastise her if she wouldn’t have sex with him when he wanted.Often she would relent just to keep him happy. She looked back on those times and shudders when she sees him with his current beau and wonders does she have the same issues with him.
She got some red thumbs for telling her story…..
I can understand that John sometimes it’s easier to give in, then it escalates to other things and your relationship finishes because you have a moment of clarity and you look at the new partner and think how much further have they gone to remain in the relationship and you thank your lucky stars it’s not you anymore.
And who is going to be there to prove that there was consent? It’s still one person’s word against the other person’s word.
No always means no but if the woman throws herself on top of a bloke when both are as drunk as each other, how can she cry rape the next day because she feels guilty for having awful sex?
It does happen?
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