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Crystal Ball
This is everything that's going to happen in 2016*
*According to the Old Moore’s Almanac.
IF YOU’RE THE type of person who doesn’t like surprises, read on.
Old Moore’s Almanac, which has been around for 252 years, makes predictions for the upcoming 12 months at the end of each year – sometimes they’re fairly accurate and sometimes, er, wide of the mark.
Last year, for example, it successfully predicted several events, including:
- Kate Middleton would have a baby girl and call her Charlotte or Margaret;
- Hilary Clinton would run for US president;
- A zoo breakout would take place (this happened in Georgia);
- A “high-profile unexpected Irish divorce” would rock us to our core (the publication is citing Brian McFadden and Vogue Williams’ split as evidence of this).
Here are more of its predictions for the year gone by.
So what’s the first thing the latest almanac tells us about next year?
“Unfortunately 2016 will not be a year that will be remembered fondly.”
Great, off to a good start.
What’s next?
“Slight earthquake for Ireland in 2016.”
Oh right. No further details are available at present.
So what’s going to happen in politics?
Hillary Clinton is “the one to watch in global politics”. Donald Trump will not be delighted with this news.
Meanwhile, Labour’s Alex White is “the one to watch in domestic politics”.
Does Joan Burton need to watch out?
In other political news, the almanac predicts there will be an assassination attempt on Barack Obama.
Sport
If you live in Mayo, the six decades-long wait for Sam Maguire is apparently due to end, with the county tipped for All-Ireland football success (they last held the cup in 1951).
Galway is set to win the hurling.
To be fair, the almanac correctly predicted the winners of both sports this year so 2016 could be a big sporting year for the west.
Celebrity news
On an entirely different note, George Clooney’s marriage will supposedly hit a rough patch – as will Scarlett Johansson’s and Nicole Kidman’s. No word on whether these incidents are related.
Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj and Nicky and Paris Hilton will all have babies, which is nice. Although, the almanac predicted a baby for one of the heiress sisters this year and it didn’t come to pass.
In other entertainment news, there’ll be a “celebrity brush with a shark”.
Medals!
In a category that could be classed as ‘exciting but vague’, Ireland will win medals (no sport or context is given) and jetpacks are set to finally become an actual thing.
The almanac also tells us: “We will get amazing news from Jupiter.”
As far as the weather goes, it will be “another mixed year like 2015, but with more rain – intensely mediocre”. The prediction continues: “No heavenly summers or perfect white Christmases need apply.”
Here are the rest of the almanac’s predictions for 2016:
- Housing markets will fall across the board;
- Australia will enter a recession, Irish people will come home;
- 2016 will be the year of “ethical hacking”;
- Terrorist attacks against Muslim institutions will rise;
- Ryanair will enter into new markets away from flights. After a few hiccups at the start, it will be another business success;
- Michael O’Leary will consider writing a book about how being the nice guy is good business practice, even if it was an act to start with;
- There will be more upset about school admissions unfairness in relation to religion;
- Mobile internet will eclipse computer internet;
- Doctors will announce that we have the technology to have a baby in a lab rather than in a womb;
- Generation Z will rise. They have phones but no computers, and they don’t want one.
- The Irish election will get global attention (In the almanac’s own words: “Let’s hope it is nothing embarrassing.”);
- Older UK princes will embarrass themselves;
- There will be news of an asteroid mining test craft being deployed. This will create a scramble for resource-rich, near-Earth asteroids;
- Investment in NASA will become an election issue in the US;
- Two high-profile plane crashes will take place in 2016, one will have staff involvement;
- Pirates will be back in the news.”Just when we thought we got rid of them,” the almanac adds;
- An unmanned self-driving ship will cross the ocean;
- The term “great snows” or “big snows” will be in the media;
- A massive sealife kill will create shockwaves as acres of dead sealife wash up on shore;
- The rate of cancer in China caused by pollution will skyrocket;
- Lab-grown organs will become a reality;
- Russia will see a terrorist act on its soil;
- A new global currency that can be used everywhere on earth will be proposed. Countries will mull over having two currencies, their own and the global currency. It will be called something like the ‘Worldar’. The global currency will be able to be used on phones or other devices.
- Greece will be in financial trouble again.
Get thee to a betting shop, or a bunker – depending on how you view the predictions.
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