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Dublin: 17 °C Tuesday 22 July, 2014

The 9 stages of going for a run for the first time

It’s not an easy task.

AT THIS TIME of year, lots of people decide to make fitness a priority.  You know how it is, you go out and buy yourself a pair of fancy runners and download the best free running app money can buy, and then you prepare to hit the road.

You can picture it.  The air in your lungs, the endorphins rushing through your brain – you’ll feel more alive with each step.

Alas, the reality of going for a run for the first time is slightly different.

1.  Excitement

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This is going to be your new thing!  Your friend Martin used to be flabby but then he started running and now sure he’s only mad for it!  You can’t wait to feel passionate about your new passion.  Imagine the smug facebook updates you’re going to post!

2.  Fear

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It’s a quiet fear, and one you’d hardly even admit to yourself is there, but it is as you lace up the aforementioned fancy runners.  What if people laugh at you?  What if you have a funny run?  What if you’re like Phoebe?

3. Elation

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You’re out the door and taking your first steps and, by God, if you aren’t running!  You’re actually doing it!  That thing you’ve been thinking about for months and months, you’re bloody doing it!  YOU CAN RUUUUUUUUUN!

4. Discomfort

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But hang on… what is that… oh… you’re having trouble… breathing.  Why are your lungs aching like that?  And that sports bra is doing absolutely nothing.  This isn’t fun at all!

5. Pain

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The lung ache becomes lung burn and your skin is on fire, sweat is pouring out of you at a rate at which you hadn’t thought possible.  This is horrific!  How do people do this?

6. Desperate desire to quit

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You want to stop.  Badly.  In fact it’s all you want, but there’s a voice in your head urging you to keep going.  You tell that voice to shut the hell up.

7. Defiance

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That voice takes no notice of you and suddenly you realise that if you just keep going for another minute you can reach your goal.  You can do it.  You can do this!

8.  Victory

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Ten more seconds… five more steps… you’ve only gone and done it!  Victory is yours!  You have gone for a run!  You’ve got the eye of the tiger!

9.  Collapse

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Uh oh you need to sit down.  You may not actually make it into the house, in fact you may not actually be at your house, but wherever you are, you need to be sitting… or lying actually.

You lie there panting, uncertain of whether you’ll ever be able to move again, but what does that matter when you’ve gone for a run?

This is what happens when you jog past a group of animals>

This dancing man is having the best workout ever>

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