National Archives National Archives

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE to lighten the mood. 

After Iraq had invaded neighbouring Kuwait in 1990 but before western military forces intervened, the world watched in anticipation of the Gulf War. 

As members of the public wondered about family members who may be stuck in the Middle East, the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) was naturally very busy. 

Unknown officials in the Department therefore created what appears to be a list of darkly comic responses to common questions they may be fielding on the phone. 

The DFA document was released to the National Archives under the 30-year rule. 

It’s unclear whether the responses were ever actually used and it may have been just a bit of fun amongst stressed staff, but the handbook was labelled: “Middle East Information Centre – Telephone Handbook”, with the subtitle: “Or How to Lie Convincingly”.

The ‘handbook’ contained the official line or ‘statement’ to be delivered by officials and the ‘meaning’ behind it. 

If you’ve ever been on the phone and heard a stock response you may recognise the playbook.

Statement: That is an unconfirmed report
Meaning: We know that but we don’t want you to know that yet.

Statement: That is media hype
Meaning: We know that but we didn’t know that they knew that

Statement: Contravening international norms
Meaning: He’s not doing what we want him to doStatement: Turkey is perfectly safe
Meaning: We have enough on our plate without worrying about you so bugger off to Turkey and leave us alone

Statement: Everyone is safe and well
Meaning: If you ask me about your son/daughter one more time I’m going to have a nervous breakdown

Statement: We are monitoring the situation
Meaning: We are watching the news

Statement: We are seeking clarification
Meaning: We have switched over to Sky News

Statement: The situation is tense but normal
Meaning: We haven’t got a clue what’s going on

Statement: The situation is unchanged
Meaning: We still don’t know what is going on

Statement: I’m afraid he/she is in a meeting at the moment
Meaning: He/she remembers you and they don’t want to talk to you again cause you annoyed them the last time

Statement: We are aware of that situation and are taking steps
Meaning: We had no idea. Thanks for telling us. We’ll look into it straight away

Statement: We will inform the Minister of your opinions and concern
Meaning: Another page for the shredder!!!

Statement: This Department is happy to answer your queries
Meaning: We are enjoying the overtime