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Cardinal Rules Part 7: The year ahead

Wondering what to expect from the new year? The (not) Primate of All Ireland is here to fill you in on all you need to know…

(Not) Cardinal Sean Brady

This week I visited Father Moore in his retirement home. Every year he makes his predictions for the coming year. He is almost always right. Last year he predicted what a great year it would be for the Church. He was particularly on the money about the Pope donning a tartan scarf on his visit to Scotland, thereby making all those nasty scandals go away. I would now like to offer up a transcription of some of Father Moore’s predictions for the coming year. I am officially as excited as a clergy man is allowed to be. Roll on 2011!

JANUARY

Youtube footage of Richard Dawkins being mean to a kitten surfaces. There is global outrage, and calls for Dawkins to resign. Dawkins weathers the storm until new footage of him putting the Andrex puppy in a bin spreads via the internet.
Despite protesting that the Andrex puppy is now computer generated Dawkins is forced to resign in disgrace. The Pope celebrates in restrained fashion behind closed doors with tea and ginger nut biscuits.

FEBRUARY

Johnny Ronan and Treasury Holdings single-handedly rescue both the Church and the Irish economy by manufacturing giant Trocaire boxes. These giant Trocaire boxes are shipped to sub-Saharan Africa where each one can accommodate a large family. Smaller Trocaire boxes are used as social housing units in inner city Dublin.

Meanwhile, Niall Mellon is raging, and Michael O’ Leary watches the manufacture of these giant Trocaire boxes with great interest.

MARCH

Terrible news of an abuse scandal breaks in Spain. The Pope responds in the appropriate manner by citing paragraph 575 subsection C in the code of Canon Law. He then visits Spain and wears a matador hat and this makes everything okay again.

APRIL

Michael O’ Leary replaces his air fleet with paper aeroplanes, and people are charged for even thinking about flying with Ryanair. People who complain about “not getting the full Ryanair experience” are asked to visit their nearest airport where they will be given a kick in the bum.

MAY

Christopher Hitchens becomes a priest after finally being convinced that there is a Heaven and they have brandy and cigars there. He is invited to the Vatican where he has tea and ginger nut biscuits with his Holiness. Hitchens promises to write a letter from Heaven as a form of expiation for his sins. His Holiness asks him not to use too many big words.

AUGUST

After tripping on some ice cream on the steps of St Peter’s, Christopher Hitchens dies in a state of grace. Three days later the Vatican receives a letter from him stating that “Dear everyone, Heaven exists and it is only brilliant.” The rest of the letter is censored because the late “Father Hitch” uses at least one word with more than three syllables, and rumour has it that his Holiness is annoyed with a reference to Freddy Mercury having a residency in a bar there.

SEPTEMBER

News of an abuse scandal breaks in France. His Holiness responds by flying straight to Paris to say open air mass while wearing a beret, a string onions, and prefacing each prayer with “Oo la la.” This makes everything okay again.

OCTOBER

The entertainment world reels after the shock break up of Elton John and David Furnish’s family. The tabloids become filled with lurid details about the battle between David and the baby as both refuse to take custody of Elton.

NOVEMBER

News of an abuse scandal breaks in Australia. His Holiness responds by saying open air mass in Sydney, while wearing a cork hat, and having Alf from Home and Away stand beside him saying “fair dinkum” at the end of each prayer. This makes everything okay again.

DECEMBER

Exhausted after his travels around the world, his Holiness re-writes Canon Law and makes Alf from Home and Away substitute Pope. The Pope rests by having lots of tea and ginger nut biscuits. Alf from Home and Away travels the world saying “fair dinkum” a LOT, and the Church emerges from 2011 with the kind of renewed vigour not seen since the days of the Spanish Inquisition.
Meanwhile, a meteor the size of Belgium hurtles towards the Earth. Time to look busy.

About the author:

(Not) Cardinal Sean Brady

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