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Friday 8 December 2023 Dublin: 10°C
Mark Stedman/Photocall Ireland Neither Daithí Ó Sé, this year's Roses nor Daithí Ó Sé's beard are known to have been coerced into the contest by gangsters.
Not the News

Gangsters' dream of winning Rose of Tralee: The week's news skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Belmullet gardai seek help tracing their own movements; Bradley Manning apologises to Ryanair.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown?

Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Belmullet gardaí seek help tracing their own movements

Monday, 12 August

Gardaí have asked members of the public for help in tracing their movements around Belmullet in December 2007.

A garda spokesman they are trying to establish whether they took delivery of €35,000 worth of alcohol from Shell and whether they drank it.

“We’re not saying it didn’t happen and we’re not saying it did,” the spokesman said. “To be honest we can’t remember a thing.”

“Please get in touch if you noticed an unusual amount of gardaí on the rip at this time or if you sold us an awful lot of Solpadeine.”

Investigation into Belmullet booze binge hampered by recycling

Tuesday, 13 August

A high level investigation into whether gardaí drank a truckload of Shell-sponsored booze in Belmullet in December 2007 could be hampered by recycling.

“Recycling may have made this the perfect crime,” an investigating officer said. “In the old days they’d have just thrown the empty bottles over the station wall or dumped them at a beauty spot.”

“Feck the Greens anyway,” he added.

Rose of Tralee hopeful coached by gun-wielding gangsters

Wednesday, 14 August

A young woman accused of trying to become the Rose of Tralee has claimed she was coached by gun-wielding gangsters.

“They spent hours showing me how to walk in heels,” she admitted. “A Rose reflects the intelligence, compassion and independence of modern Irish women,” a gangster said.

“Gangsters will go to extraordinary lengths to realise their dreams of winning the Rose of Tralee,” a garda warned.

Bradley Manning apologises to Ryanair

Thursday, 15 August

Bradley Manning has apologised to Ryanair in case he inadvertently questioned the airline’s safety standards.

Lawyers for Manning said he had felt extreme mental pressure – a symptom which could be linked to using the airline’s online booking system.

Meanwhile, Ryanair fired one of its pilots for revealing safety concerns in a Channel 4 documentary.

“We’d like to reassure our passengers that this will not be tolerated,” a source said.

Assange still in stable condition after meeting Wallace and Daly

Friday, 16 August

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange remains in a stable condition after meeting independent TDs Clare Daly and Mick Wallace in the Ecuadorean embassy in London on Wednesday.

Mr Assange apparently took to his room after the two-hour meeting with the parliamentarians.

“He’s become very, very pale, listless and quite confused since the meeting,” an embassy spokesman said.

“He’s just lying in bed wearing the pink shirt Mr Wallace gave him.”

Ireland in The Bailout Years - a trot through 2009-present day through the satirical lens of The Mire’s Donal Conaty – is on sale now here.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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