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NOT MANY PEOPLE know this, but Jesus actually had thirteen disciples. Due to space constraints, the story of Derek was left out of the Bible.
Some scholars argue that his story was really left out because Derek was an unsympathetic character. I will leave it up to you to decide as I present to you my special pre-Easter, fully restored “Last Supper” Bible excerpt.
Now on the first day of Unleavened Bread the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Where will you have us prepare for you to eat the Passover?” He said, “Go into the city to a certain man and say to him, ‘The Teacher says, My time is at hand. I will keep the Passover at your house with my disciples.’”
And the disciples were happy. That is until Derek the 13th disciple did say, “But Lord, surely we will need more information than that. A ‘certain man?’ It’s all a bit vague.”
And Jesus did look upon Derek then. Although He did stand a few feet away from him, as Derek did smell a bit, and Jesus did say, “Go forth, find this man, for he has a room prepared.”
And Derek did say, “When I go forth, will it be like the time you asked me to go forth to ask a man for a donkey and a chicken, and my going forth involved walking ten miles to the next town to find there was no man with a donkey or a chicken?”
At this there was much coughing and shuffling from the disciples, and Jesus did say, “Well…”
“It was lucky I found you ten days afterwards,” Derek did say. And at that there was even more shuffling and coughing led by Peter, and the Lord’s elbow did hit Peter in the chest.
After a time Jesus directed two of his disciples to the house, but only after Derek had advised them on the best route.
When it was evening, Jesus reclined at a table with the thirteen. And as they were eating, he said, “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” And they were very sorrowful and began to say to him one after another, “Is it I, Lord?”
And Derek did say “Judas. I bet it’s Judas.” On hearing this Jesus did lean forward and put His face into His hands, while Judas did look around wildly and say “Me? What? No! Never!”
“He has shifty eyes,” Derek did say, “it’s always the ones with the shifty eyes.” And he went back to eating grapes in a loud manner, cramming them into his mouth like a child, all the while speaking as he ate.
Now as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and after blessing it broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, “Take this all of you and eat it; this is my body.” And Derek did shout, “Whaaaat!?” and grapes were spat forth from his mouth and he did proclaim, “No way! I’m not eating that!”
And Peter did speak to him in a firm manner, and Derek was appeased for a moment and went back to eating grapes. Although this time he did add some cheese, thereby filling his mouth with a thick cheesy grapey paste, and some of the disciples had to look away for fear that looking upon him might make them unwell. All the while, John, who was sitting beside him, did make gestures to people pleading with them to change seats with him. But the other disciples seemed not to see John.
And then Jesus took a cup, and when he had given thanks he gave it to them, saying, “Drink of it, all of you, for this is my blood-” And Derek did shriek again, and this time spittle, cheese and grapes flew from his lips and alighted upon Matthew and Luke. “Oh no,” he did shout, “no, no, no, no way. I’m not drinking that.”
Jesus did then throw his napkin on the table and sigh, for he had a “whole thing planned” and there was to be cake for later.
And Peter did explain to Derek, VERY slowly about the nature of symbols, and Derek was suspicious. But he did relent and went back to breaking bread and drinking wine, for his mother had thought him never to pass up a free meal. Although he did sniff things before tasting them which annoyed some of the disciples.
Later Derek was sent forth to ask a man with a limp for some figs. And eventually, after much questioning from him as to the nature and value of his errand, he did as he was bade. And as he went forth Jesus told his disciples not to mention the cake when he got back. And they all agreed, including Judas who had his fingers crossed under the table.
I read the headline and then then the next line about fruit flies and for a second I was very confused as to why fruit flies would need clothes! I appolagise it’s early and my brain hasn’t had its coffee yet!
Spell check Rachel, I APOlOGIZE for the pedantics.
…if you’re American. ‘Round these parts, we spell it apologise.
Great bit of research.
Burrrrnnn
Did you not read her comment? She hasn’t had her coffee yet.
If that’s for me Ciara, I was directing my comment at Robert (love correcting grammar nazis!)
But I should have been clearer – I was also without coffee at the time; three cups up now and still not on top of my game.
Jeeze relax Robert (mutters to self: “there’s always one”) as for the lovely ladies who actually got and defended my comment thank you! ……Oh and merry christmas ladies, hope ye all have a wonderful holiday :)
This article is very poorly written as there are some huge benefits to habituation and this is actually great news that they are making a breakthrough in this area. Tens of thousands of people in Ireland
Suffer from tinnitus. It can be seriously debilitating and if you can’t habituate to it can lead to prolonged stress anxiety and depression. Another issue is chronic pain management. If there is no cure for your condition and the only way to treat it is with powerful pain killers then habituation could be hugely beneficial. Well done trinity for the breakthrough and long may it continue.
This is theJournal, not theJournalofScience. Think of it as food for thought – - it’s never comprehensive.
This is what we should be spending money on not throwing into the septic tank that is welfare. I really cannot see the value in wasting good money on useless people
Is your real name enda kenny? Such a useless comment from somebody who has probably never been unemployed due to having a relative who knows somebody who knows somebody.
Assuming people who have no job are useless is a bit …. well useless.
Welfare also includes child support which your mother most likely availed of to raise you
But hey, your right, fcuk logic!!
Enda…….Sheer ignorance.
I have Aspergers syndrome, which is an an autism spectrum disorder. I also have a PhD from Trinity College, in geology.
As a child I suffered allot from sensory sensitivities, clothes itched terribly, especially wool. Imagine wearing clothes made of glass fibre. I fainted in class because of the smell of the paper used in art class. On a school tour I had to stand up on the tour bus as the seats were too itchy. I’m still very sensitive to sound.
I have friend with Aspergers who was bullied by school bullies who would scratch their nails across their school bags, the sound caused her physical pain. She’s still frightened, traumatised, by the sound of material, clothes / bags, making any sort of scratching sound.
These problem lessens for some with age, but not all. This research is welcome. It certainly will one day help young children with autism avoid the difficulties with debilitating sensory sensitivity.
Well said David!!
I too am picturing fruit flies in little hats n gloves….and ugg boots :)))
Good comment. Just wait for 5 hours until the useless people wake up so they can reply to your comment!
for Enda (purple egg)
Was my reply early enough for you? By the way i work but this attitude towards the unemployed makes me sick. 14% unemployment even after mass emigration yet a few years ago we had 3 % unemployment. Are all those people useless???
Ruari if you have a phd and are fluent in say 5 languages then I would pity you if you were on welfare, anyone else well they are just not worth bothering about
Enda i emigrated to get work but i know lots of good people, some educated and some not who are not in a position to emigrate and cannot find work. They are not useless. Thats a very narrow minded view you have. About 3% dont want to work. In economic terms 3% is full employment.
Bandy – not to mention the doctors, nurses, guards, taxi, drivers, shift workers ect that were working last night.
Guess those genes don’t work when my jocks get in a bunch. I can assure you I feel that when it happens!!
Culchies… How do they explain the track suit bottoms & shoes or the wranglers & mucky work boots to the pub??
Couldn’t be stupidity that the Irish pay tax on their Family Homes to bail out the banks.
Must be genetic. What do you think Profs?
Get a real job for god sake , no one cares
Love it bud
Beam us all up Enda to your utopian planet. On second thoughts…
Hope they find the gene as to why potential scientists waste time on pointless research and eradicate it.
And the above comment is why we shid no waste any money on the underclasses their brains aren’t developed enough to contribute to society
I shid u not :)
You shid have spent more time in English class buddy.
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