Raindrops, haloes, whatever: They're not being taxed quite yet. Sasko Lazarov/Photocall Ireland
Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: 103% of adults fluent in Irish; evidence of a parliament found in Leinster House; rainwater is tax-free… for now.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Rain to remain free in run-up to Budget

Monday, 26 November

As the season of goodwill approaches, the Government has decided for the time being not to charge for the water that is falling freely out of the sky.

“We know what people have been through in this country,” Finance Minister Michael Noonan said. “Enjoy this windfall while it lasts. Drink it, splash about in it, go mad and wash yourselves. It’s free.”

Mr Noonan couldn’t rule out introducing a tax on it in next week’s Budget, however. “Don’t go confusing me with Santa Claus,” he said. “It’s an easy mistake to make but that’s not who I am.”

EU and ECB use ‘abortion’ keyword to derail Irish bailout talks

Tuesday, 27 November

Senior figures in the EU and ECB have been cruelly using the keyword “abortion” to derail talks on improving Ireland’s bailout conditions.

“They’ve been at it for a while now,” an Irish negotiator said bitterly.

“Whenever we try to talk about the promissory note or related issues they say ‘abortion’ and we fight among ourselves.”

“We’ve tried not to fight but it calls to us from an ancient womb,” he added.

“Abortion, abortion, abortion,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel chanted.

Obesity ‘on demand’ costing €1.1 billion a year

Wednesday, 28 November

Obesity on demand is costing the Irish economy €1.1 billion a year and that is only the financial cost of the issue that is dividing the country.

Opinion has polarised in communities, and even families, as to whether there are any circumstances in which people should have the right to obesity.

There are strong views on both sides. “Obesity is never right. It should never be available to anyone,” a puritanically thin ill-looking male distance runner said with religious zeal.

“He shouldn’t even have an opinion,” his wife, a large woman in pyjamas eating coco pops with chocolate milk, said. “Look at the skinny runt, he knows nothing about obesity.”

TDs trapped in Dáil find evidence of a parliament

Thursday, 29 November

TDs who were barricaded into the Dáil last night claim to have found evidence of a parliament in it.

The TDs said they paid a bit more attention to their surroundings as they were stuck there and were astonished at their findings.

“There was a big chamber where several parties could debate,” a TD said. “Shame it was empty.”

“There was also evidence of a primitive voting system. It’s as though it was once home to a parliamentary democracy that was rarely used.”

The TDs were barricaded in by people protesting the death of Savita Halappanavar and calling for legislation for the X case.

103% of adults speak fluent Irish

Friday, 30 November

A massive 103 per cent of adults can speak fluent Irish, according to the latest opinion poll.

The wide-ranging poll also found that 102 per cent of Irish adults are fit and healthy considering their inactivity.

A unanimous 121 per cent can live within their means and are ahead on their mortgage payments.

“It could hardly be more positive,” a polling expert said. “No wonder other polls have shown the Irish to be the happiest people in Europe.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

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