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Column Beware the passion killers – how to keep the spark alive in your relationship
Passionate love is a complex mix psychological processes, hormones and evolutionary drives – and at some point in every relationship “the spark” flickers. But there are ways to keep it strong, writes Tony Moore.
PASSION HAS BEEN described by some as “a state of intense longing for union with another”. Intense passionate love is a complex mix psychological processes, hormones and evolutionary drives.
Those who have experienced such feelings in a relationship can attest to its power. We behave and think somewhat irrationally. Some also describe it as a temporary form of madness. Some feel energised and, as they describe it, fully alive.
Some may replace the word, passion, with love. Therefore it is often with intense anguish, to put it mildly, that many people are shocked and devastated that this heady – and sometimes addictive – feeling has gone. So what causes the change to a relationship that was once so passionate?
Unrealistic expectations
The start of a relationship is suffused with quite unrealistic expectations. The idealisation of the other that he or she can, and will, not only meet, but exceed our expectations, is very common and understandable.
We overlook and dismiss our partner’s shortcomings. Some of these foibles we can even find quite endearing and attractive – it’s only after that initial ‘rush’ that those foibles begin to grate on our nerves.
Some of the most prominent ones that we have encountered over the years in Relationships Ireland include lack of personal hygiene, lack of romance, weight gain, nagging, money and child worries.
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Passion killers come in many forms
So passion killers come in many forms and seem to emerge a fairly short time after the initial ‘heady’ passion is over. Many individuals and couples I work with would, on the one hand, acknowledge that it is unrealistic to expect these ‘heady’ feelings to continue, but are still disappointed by their disappearance.
They compare themselves to others who seem to be just as passionate after many years together and want the same feelings. Many more people decide that, after a fairly short time that if he/she isn’t ‘doing it’ for them, it is time to move on. So many of us want that ‘heady’, intoxicated feeling and will go to extraordinary lengths to feel it. Hence the increase in short term affairs.
Passion killers come in many forms and we can easily address some issues – our personal hygiene, for example. One passion killer that is very common is boredom with our partner. When we met initially we worked hard to arouse passionate feelings in our partner. We worked hard to appear cheerful and interesting and positive. We complimented the other, often sealing the compliment with a kiss. We would buy (inexpensive) little gifts or keepsakes.
Can you make more of an effort?
It’s important to look at ourselves. Are we the passion killer? Have we become boring and pedestrian? Do we ‘dress down’ a bit too often, eat and drink too much, and stick to the same routine that with a tiny bit of effort we could change?
We make excuses by saying that we are older and it is a ‘natural phase’ in a relationship that the passion lessens over time. Yes, that is true on the surface. But the actual desire needs to be encouraged by us ourselves.
We do that by understanding that passion isn’t just about sex, it is more about an intensity of feeling and desire about another – and that feeling needs to be encouraged and stimulated if it is not to disappear altogether.
Tony Moore is a counsellor for Relationships Ireland. Relationships Ireland offers confidential counselling and currently has a special introductory offer for an initial consultation. For more information or to book a consultation you can contact 1890 380 380 or email info@relationshipsireland.com
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It’s a mixture of luck and predictability. I’m doing my leaving in June, and I’ve already been told what is likely to come up in most subjects. The thing is, you learn everything, concentrate your energy on the predictions coming up to the exam and then hope to god on the day the paper is suited to you.
I’m in Junior Cert and even now the exam seems to be predictable. Our teachers are always saying “Oh, that didn’t come up last year – it’s due up this year, make sure we go over this” or “this is definitely coming up this year – make sure to know this” and so forth. My friend, also a JC student, told me their teacher spent weeks on one section of history because it is likely to come up for us. Another friend’s class skipped the entire section because it’s not due up this year. A bit mad….
This is always going to be a problem because the Leaving Cert is one exam therefore its simply not possible to produce an exam paper that covers everything. Naturally students and teachers are always going to try and guess which sections of the courses are going to be examined. In effect the entire Leaving Cert course is a exercise in waste. Every exam probably covers at most 40% of what has been taught over the previous two years. Students spend vast amounts of time learning things that they are never going to be tested on.
While its welcome that the problem is going to be looked at, realistically the only long term solution to this is to have a more holisitic approach to the syllabus. It would be better if subjects were also broken down in a more semester based approach rather than one two year course with one exam at the end. Such an approach would be involve continuous assessment, applied learning and peer review. It would require more resources to achieve this but the outcome should be better for students and that is where the focus should lie.
Good Idea in theory but if it;’s like how the ‘revolutionary’ project Maths then it’ll be a disaster, didn’t have books for two months and our teacher still isn’t fully sure what’s on the course because there are parts in other books which aren’t in ours and vice versa!
As a leaving cert student up until last year, I understand where they’re coming from when they say predictable i.e the same section of the biology course can’t come up 2 years in a row, however.. You study the material for 2 years in order to be able to answer the questions that come up.. The course isn’t that big ya know so maybe it’s the actual structure of the leaving cert they should look at not the ‘predictability’ of it.
Shouldn’t it really just ask all sections of each course and make them all part of the exam so that the entire course is covered. Or maybe the colleges should just have entrance exams instead.
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