"Gay cavemen? Whatever next? A particularly tastefully decorated cave?"" A200Wells via Flickr

Column Cardinal Rules Part 19. The news gospel according to Me.

This week, the (not) Primate of All Ireland brings us his take on the news stories of the past seven days. Gay cavemen, Kevin Myers and the discovery of a digital relic of St Therese – now THAT’s what he calls a headline.

ONE OF THE hard lessons one learns in life is that the liberal media are always putting a “spin” on things.

I on the other hand believe that one should deliver the news in an unvarnished, unbiased fashion. With that in mind, let me guide you gently through some of this weeks newsworthy events:

Nice fur, sir

The big new this week was of course the “alleged” discovery of a gay caveman in a grave in the Czech Republic. There are so many things wrong with this story that it is difficult to know where to begin.

For starters everybody knows that gayness is a lifestyle choice, like being a vegan, or professing a preference for the later albums of alternative “indie” rock band The Radiohead. I doubt if the caveman in question had to make any more complex choices other than what flint to use when making a fire, or what animal skin to wear on a wet windy day.

There are those who point to the fact that this caveman was buried lying to the left, supposedly an indication of his sexual orientation. Are we now to take on board such flimsy reasoning and apply it to all burials? A farmer of my acquaintance was once buried with his pet dog. “Big Jim” as he was affectionately known (the farmer, not the dog) was very fond of his canine companion.

Do we now sully the good name of a decent man and his dog by applying the same ludicrous logic? I think not. Besides a court order has been taken out by his widow barring anyone from doing so.

The whole thing smacks of a conspiracy created by the aggressive gay agenda. No doubt certain of their number will be appearing on television chat shows and shouting “Look, there were gay people in Neolithic times too!” A flimsy justification for degeneracy if ever there was one.

Will it ever end? I am already steeling myself for the inevitable news story about the discovery of a particularly tastefully decorated cave.

Kevin Myers on road to bishophood

This was also the week that Kevin Myers took the namby pamby politically correct liberal consensus to task. Admittedly he takes the namby pamby politically correct liberal consensus to task most other weeks, but this week he was in particularly excoriating form. Cages were rattled with the kind of intellectual force that would have made Cardinal Henry Newman blush.

There was hyperbole, declamation, and good old fashioned healthy moralising. It was all enough to make me want to make Mr Myers a bishop. Indeed the process could be fast tracked, and I already have a small roundy hat with his name on it.

Digital piracy

Most uplifting story of the week was the discovery of Saint Therese of Lisieux’s finger bone (index finger, right hand) in a parochial house in Tipperary. An embarrassed Fr Frank Leahy confessed to taking the sacred object during the tour which brought Saint Therese’s bones around Ireland in 2009.

He admitted he only wanted to take the finger bone “for a bit of a loan.” Under questioning he revealed he had used it to stir his tea. He would also sit down to watch the television with the bone on the arm of his chair, because he felt Saint Therese was in the room with him, and he liked to have someone to talk to while watching Coronation Street.

In his defence, Fr Leahy pointed to the fact that he had taken good care of the relic. Even going so far as to have his dog undergo major surgery after what he called “the unfortunate swallowing incident in 2010.” In fairness to Fr Leahy, his use of the holy relic has seen him become remarkably well preserved. His dog also demonstrates remarkable vigour for a dog of his years, and his cataracts have miraculously disappeared.

This is not “spin” as some in the media might call it. This is cold hard Catholic fact.

Here endeth the news.

(Not) Cardinal Sean Brady