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WE ALL DREAM of finding the ideal partner. One of the myriad of problems we face is how to know whether we have chosen the right person. The separation and divorce statistics seem to tell us that we are not very good at choosing a partner.
At Relationships Ireland, we meet many single people who want to be given the sure-fire formula for the perfect partner. There are, as you know, many agencies that will, for a fee, filter out those who do not suit your particular needs and profile and then come up with your ‘perfect’ match.
The ‘age gap’ is of particular interest to many because of, not to put too fine a point on it, the sex interest (more on which later). If the woman has a younger partner, often described as her lover, he is also described as a ‘toy boy’ – a plaything. If he is older by a good few years she is described as a ‘gold digger’ and he is described as a ‘dirty old man’.
So what is the gap that could produce problems? I can only tell you from my experience. Anything wider than about 10 years could produce problems in the future. For a start, we are at different stages in our lives, jobs, education and ambition. This age difference doesn’t matter too much initially because we, at the start, are mainly into the physical attraction stage, ie the sex stage. Once this stage has passed cracks start to appear. At this point many couples in relationships with an age gap wider than 10 years will be howling in protest that this isn’t true; howl away. I can only give you my experience.
Those in these ‘age gap’ relationships must also face some prejudice from society. The gossip mongers and those who are jealous will lay poison to break this relationship. There will be lots of sniggers in the background (back to the sex issue again). It is also frankly very difficult as years go by to find a social outlet for people from different cultural eras. One partner will have grown up in the 80s, the other in the 90s. Neither quite understands the other. That misunderstanding increases with age.
Of course there is some understanding and appreciation but there will always be some ‘gap’. This also applies to clothes styles and fashion for example. This bone of contention isn’t just limited to this type of relationship. We know our own style and what suits us and what makes us feel comfortable. The age gap in fashion can be stark.
Health, energy and vitality are also issues that emerge over time. Our energy levels do reduce over the years. Many people will use ‘energy levels’ as a euphemism for sexual activity. Can he keep her satisfied and vice versa. Many younger partners do complain that they are forced to become ‘old’ before their time and they want to go out to night clubs and enjoy themselves.
This is where problems come to the surface. The difference between someone aged 35 and another aged 45 can be huge. It doesn’t matter that much if you meet on holiday for two or three weeks. But coming back to real life is difficult. If you wish to continue the relationship and it becomes serious, meeting the parents and family can be very troublesome.
Why we choose who we do is a source of theoretical debate in the psychology world. But, as interesting and richly rewarding as that may be to academics, we are still faced with the dilemma of deciding whether to go ahead with this ‘age gap’ relationship. We convince ourselves we can make it work, we will be different. The odds are that we won’t make it work and we are not different.
We choose a particular person at a certain time in our lives. At a different stage we may choose a different person. We have different needs at different times. Yes, we may be very sexually frustrated and it may have been a very long time since someone showed any interest in us sexually and we find this both surprising and flattering. We may have a penchant for someone older or younger – no problem.
However, think carefully about the long term ramifications of such a liaison. Opposites do attract for lots of different reasons, sometimes unconscious psychological reasons. However, when those needs are met the relationship can fall apart.
If possible, we need to link in with someone who is similar to ourselves. Even with this seemingly harmonious compatibility, problems can and do occur. We need as much going for us as possible in the minefield that is relationships of the heart, and age compatibility is an essential component.
Tony Moore is a counsellor for Relationships Ireland. Relationships Ireland provides affordable confidential counselling and support services that offer you the opportunity to understand and resolve difficulties in your relationship. For more information or to book a consultation you can contact 1890 380 380 or email: info@relationshipsireland.com.
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My dad is 15 years older than my mum and they are married over 25 years now, so it does work for some people
I agree. My husband is 20 years older than me. We’ve been together for 12 years and have never been happier. Yes, there are difficulties, but overcoming them make us much closer. We have much more in common than not. After 12 years I can still truly say I’ve met the man of my dreams.
I’m a bit confused Damien surely you meant to say your wife??
It’s real easy to overlook age if she is really hot or he is really rich…
You certainly are confused, it’s not that difficult!
Could be a gay couple?
Francey, Damien’s avatar is an equality symbol – he and his husband are in a same-sex marriage. Damien, much happiness to you both, and to everyone who has found happiness in a long-term relationship.
I broke up with my partner of 5 years yesterday, she was 10 years older than me, the age difference was a much bigger issue for her. She was always paranoid that I would meet someone younger and she couldn’t compete.
Aww poor you :(
Thanks Lorraine but its not as major event a break up usually is, been on the cards for awhile.
Never easy though Peasant; so chin up.
Thanks Peter
Aww sorry xx it’s not easy though hope your ok ,,, I’m older than mine same years but with him 10years,,, if ya put issues in relationship that aren’t there it just makes problems….
This is ridiculous. It’s just as valid to say “The difference between someone aged 35 and another aged 35 can be huge.”
It is? I would say ‘the similarities between two 35 year olds can be huge too’ is also just as valid.
That is true. As is saying “the similarities between a 35 year old and a 45 year old can be huge too”. Age can matter, but then so can any feature of a person when it comes to beginning and continuing a relationship. When I said it was ridiculous, I was referring to the entire article.
I was referring to your typo
My typo? I don’t believe I made one. I was just saying that people of the same age can be vastly different as well.
Didn’t work out too well for Mr Clifford, Mr Harris and Co. Sometimes the age gap can be far too much.
ah, my mistake, apologies
@ Veruca Salt
Oh dear. That is an entirely different issue completely. This article is only talking about consensual relationships. Not sex pests and pervs.
Also, despite accusations, and despite opinions, everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
The older the cougar, the wider the GAP…….
So true ;)
And the older the sugar daddy the bigger the wallet… cue more generalisations about older partners of either gender
It’s a bit of Craic , not worth taking it to heart.
P.s. old crack….
No age doesn’t matter. My boyfriend is 8 years younger and is more mature that my previous ex who was the same age as me. We are together 4 years now. I’m 35.
Apparently not if you were a male British tv personality in the 70′s/80′s..
My partner is 18 years younger than me. … works so far. .. sometimes older people like younger and visa versa…. not without problems but most relationships have problems
Mostly older people liking younger I would think.
visa versa is right – more likely the visa card she was after…
Not really. …. my partner runs a successful business and has much more money than me. ….
I think attitude and maturity has a much greater bearing on the success and failure of relationships rather than actual age. You can meet very mature and stable 20 year olds and 50 year olds who could never grow up and make a relationship work.
I know couples who have a 10 , 15 and even 20 plus age difference but it works for them because they are on the same wavelength.
Horse pucky! My other half has 13 years on me and it’s been going swimmingly for years. The key to a successful relationship is to have similar wants / goals in life , enough of your own freedom that you don’t morph into the same person, enough differences to maintain lively interaction with each other and something of yourself and enough similarities that you don’t alienate each other.
It definitely matters. How many couples do you know with even over 10 years age difference? In most cases it simply does not work.
Know one actually – parents! If its not working for them they’re either good at hiding it or the sex more than makes up for it!
Off to counselling I go now. :(
I have been with my wife for over 40 years. She is twelve years older than me.
Was that an arranged marriage…
Same – twelve years between my parents, happily married for 40 years. Bear in mind tony moores last article blamed women for male suicide rates saying it was due to women hassling men about shopping and fabrics. I would pay not to get relationship advice from him!
No it was not. She kept her vows: to love, honour and obey.
I’m 47 and have an 18 year old girlfriend. Works for me.
Celebrated an anniversary John?
John,
That’s borderline child abuse
Yeah, and driving 79 in an 80 zone is borderline speeding. What’s your point?
Thata boy John no bother to ya!!!!!!!
Of course it works for you it’s her I’m worried about, I can guarantee you she’s either missing a father in her life (dead/absent) and she’s desperately searching for that father figure, a male to give her praise and attention. I’m sorry but it doesn’t sit right with me poor girl
Yeah John bit creepy…father figure I would think.
Creepy and untrue I think.
John,
My point is that if what you say is true, and I don’t believe for one second that it is, then you are no better than a peadophile you disgusting little old man.
I think a simple rule should be followed and you’ll be grand….. divide your age by two, add seven and never go below that.
My boyfriend was 20 years older than me but it didn’t work out because he became jealous of the guys I work with and wanted me to find a new job. Instead I found a new man…. From my office!! We are similar age and going out for 2 years now :) saying that my dad was 11 years older than my mum and they are still together after 32 years so basically I don’t know the definitive answer!! :)
Barry?
So……he was right to be concerned ?
Not the same Lisa :) haha no my mans name is Tommy :)
I hear you Lisa, its really difficult to deal with constant jealousy and suspicion. There is nothing more exhausting than having to persistently reassure someone. It kills the affection.
That’s true peasant!
Ooops, sorry Lisa.
@Lisa So he was jealous of guys in the office and them you ended up with one. Seems fairly justified to be honest :)
*Then
I am 26 and regularly date 40+ women, the girls my age just seem so immature, older women don’t play mind games
I think people are being a little unfair in relation to this article. The man speaks of his experience in dealing with relationships were not ‘happy ever after’. For every successful May/December romance I have no doubt that there are others which just didn’t work. I can say that, no matter how much I try to kid myself, I am not who I was at 20, and I suppose this is right. Life is change, we cannot remain static. I happen to be the may end of a may/December romance which has subsisted for many years. However, I can say that longevity is not everything, and the reality is that we are two very different people from who we were when we embarked on the adventure of life together.
That would probably be the same if you were December and she were May.
Age is only a number. It only matters if you let it matter.
It always irritates me when media folk describe a girl/ lady, in their 20′s and 30′s as a ‘cougar’ if they are dating a younger man.
For flip’s sake, a cougar has to be in their 40′s or more to be called a cougar. Just because someone knows the word, does not mean it is always applicable.
Sorry, rant over
That said, no, I don’t believe age does matter. One can find someone with immense maturity in their teens and someone with immense immaturity in their 20s or 30s. And the ideal person one had in their mind, could be the complete opposite of the person they fall in love with. May very well be the complete opposite gender too. (Hey, it happens.)
When guy is 10 or 20 years older and minted it always works.
When guy is 10 or 20 years older and poor it usually does not work.
When woman is 10 or 20 years older and minted it usually does not work.
When woman is 10 or 20 years older and poor – I’m surprised this even started – must be true love perhaps.
That’s reality folks I know there are some exceptions… But…
I kind of think that people were made to have at least 2 different partners as their lives progress, I base this purely on the typical sex-drive changes in both sexes. Womens’ sex drives tend to peak in their 30s-50s, this is exactly the time mens’ start to wane. Women of this age are more suited (sex drive wise) to younger men of about 18-30 or so. Similarly, mens’ sex drives lessen when they start hitting middle age and are more aligned with younger womens’. Of course this is a generalisation as these changes dont happen to everyone at the same age, but its funny how the sex drives tend to line up.
One rubs off the other…
Just to throw my two pence in my partner and I are together for nearly 5 years with an age gap of 17 years.
When it comes to keeping fit and socializing we can sometimes clash but we make it work and we are very happy together.
What upsets me is that people assume my partner is my sugar daddy. Money is sparse between us and doesn’t enter the equation.
Its only a problem if you pay attention to the immature sn*ggering of some idiots. A far bigger problem is money. If one partner has a much larger income than the other it usually ends in disaster. This is why I date younger women, I literally can’t afford to date women my age.
Note to journal: your language filter needs to be fixed, I cant use the word sn*ggering
The older man/ younger woman scenario seems to last longer, in general, than the other way round.
Women are more conscious than men about their looks when they are older, so this may cause friction.
One reason that scenario appears to work better is because this is a patriarchal society and the younger woman/older man model fits better into a patriarchal society.
I wonder if age gaps are such a big deal between same-sex couples.
Age is all about mind over matter: If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!
No, it doesn’t matter
A cougar is for life, your more than a number in her little red book……
As every teenager will point out you use a formula to work out how young you can go. Half your age plus seven years :L
Yep it matters
Those in them type of relationships will disagree but age is there for a reason
To show maturity and 70 v 50 in life
Huge difference
20 year gap when the older person passes away
It most definitely does. You can’t put a young head on old shoulders, but then again it’s a lot to do with maturity.
Very interesting !!
I always thought age mattered..we do have big difference in how we look at the world.
If she looks like demi moore than no
I am 39 & my wife is 29. We are together 9 years, married 5 years.
I had to grow up before I could appreciate her. The gap between us is our daughter & son when they climb in our bed!
Personally I think in twenties or thirties it’s good if both are close in age – as people get older the age gap matters less.
I think age is only a number
So how about If the girl is 21 and the guy is 18?
have your say