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THE FRENCH HAVE criminalised “psychological violence”, as have the British. Now Ireland has joined ranks with the passage of the Domestic Violence Bill 2017 through the Houses of the Oireachtas to include coercive control within intimate relationships as a crime.
This has to be one of the most significant pieces of legislation to come before the Oireachtas so far this year.
Devastating and more traumatic
Coercive control is often talked about as if it is a mild form of domestic violence, which is a mistake. Emotional abuse is devastating and can often be more traumatic than physical wounds.
Bruises and broken bones eventually heal and may leave scars, but emotional trauma stays with you and shapes who you are as a person. It leaves an indelible injury, one that is not as visible, but physically affects and damages the brain.
The Department of Justice released a press release in which they state:
The new offense of coercive control sends a clear, consistent message that non-violent control in an intimate relationship is criminal. The effect of such behavior may be as harmful to victims as physical abuse because it is an abuse of the unique trust associated with an intimate relationship.
The psychological conditions
Coercive control creates the psychological conditions that allow abusive relationships to exist and to escalate often with devastating and in some cases fatal consequences.
It is, in fact, the foundation stone on which abusive relationships are built. If a someone hit you, you wouldn’t go home with them however the nature of emotional abuse is that victim does not know it’s happening to them until they are stuck under the thumb of the abuser in a surreal existence.
I was one of those who suffered this form of mental violence, and it ravaged my life. What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it felt like I was in a tumble dry cycle; hurled around, hitting against the sides of the drum, erratically lacerated, mangled, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing how bloody long the cycle would continue for or where the next blow would come from.
It intensified
Then suddenly, intermittently, the cycle stops. I would curl up, become smaller, quieter, detach from my feelings, eliminate people and interests from my life in an attempt to slow down the drumroll, to ease the pain of the abuse. But no matter what I did, it never stopped. And with the end of the relationship the persecution intensified.
This is a common trait amongst abusers. They become even more vindictive and offensive when their victim attempts to leave or fight back. That is why this Bill is so important – it offers a safe place in which to take the perpetrator to task.
The ponderous thought that remains with me is why. Why did I doggedly trust and believe him? Why did I get sucked in so deeply? Why did I fall so hard? Why did I make myself so vulnerable to him?
But that’s the trick of the abuser. You don’t see or feel that your brain is being punched and battered, however, had I been physically boxed or hit I would have understood the abuse and would have run from him as fast as I could.
Identifying psychological abuse as a crime makes this is a powerful piece of legislation, in advancing women’s rights, and indeed the rights of anyone suffering from domestic violence.
Patricia Tsouros writes a blog on emotional abuse to inform and help families, and friends to understand the complexities of such a relationship, the trauma victims suffer and provide an insight to better help and support the victim.
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Friend of my late wife fell for a ‘controlling’ little so’n'so back in the day.
On the odd time she appeared for their occasional girls night out yer man would turn up to sit scowling across at them all!
She was warned – but the hearts a wonder – needless to say it did not end well.
@Michael Kavanagh: psychological abuse is probably more than any other a realm where women are just as capable if not more so than men to inflict their manipulations and control efforts upon their partners.
@Kevin Tyrrell:
“just as capable, if no more so”??? Really? That a subtly disgusting remark and ironic considering the article. This is humans doing this to other humans in an intimate close relationship regardless of gender … in same sex relationships too. These are corrupt, angry, weak, insecure individuals doing this. There’s no place for women/men hating or accusation here with this.
@Michael Kavanagh: I blame mothers for pampering their mammies boys.
@Skybloo: why then was the article from a womans point of view and the abuser was male? And why were there no references to the fact that women can and do abuse partners in relationships too? Why is the other side of the story never portrayed? Why is the only narrative we here about is man = abuser…woman = victim? The truth, the reality is that when it comes to psychological and emotional abuse women are just as capable of abuse. Will you roundly say for the record that women can be and are abusive to their partners and can be just as capable of doing so and this is not a balanced article as it portrays only 1 scenario of a woman being abused by a man and excludes the other where a woman abuses a man, thereby downplaying or eliminating that the other scenario even exists.
@Kevin Tyrrell:
Because -
No 1: it was a column written by an individual about her experience … the individual just happened to be female and partner male. Lets face it – the majority of the world’s population are either male or female .. it’s not unusual for it to one of those.
No.2: I already categorically stated VERY clearly in response to your high horse ironic initial statement that this is not a gender man/woman hate issue – these are INDIVIDUALS who perpetrate abuse – meaning (since you need it spelled out) male, female, asexual, gender fluid etc – in all types of intimate relationships. It is you that is making it to be something else, ie that women are somehow more capable or more likely to perpetrate psychological abuse. It is you that needs to look at you own issues there.
@Skybloo: I am sorry if i was overzealous in my remark where I said women could be more so capable of utilizing psychological abuse. And i take your point…but I just dont like the way this is predominantly reported as abuse of women by men. Yes the story is one of a blogger and is being shared on the Journal but why do we never see or hear mention about domestic abuse of men??? It all just sounds like a narrative that is being pushed which is decidedly one sided. A cousin of mine committed suicide over the abuse he felt at the hands of his wife. So maybe im too close to this for comfort to be entirely objective…but the support groups for men like AMEN etc…get no airtime on this.
@Skybloo: and i just want to set the record straight too…i dont hate women. Most women i know are strong, capable and very well able to handle themselves and i have nothing but admiration for them. I dont like modern intersectional feminism and the lunacy it peddles which makes a mockery of the strong capable women i know and respect…and i dont like the way it paints men as oppressors and abusers…hence my objections to the one sided narrative that is given most airtiime.
@Kevin Tyrrell:
I too know of male friends that have been oppressed and harmed under psychological and in a couple of cases physical abuse by their female spouses. I’ve also seen same in same sex relationships. It seems a lot more difficult for a person who is 30 -40 years in a relationship like this to escape. Age and length of time in these relationships also seem to play a part in a person seeking support and ways of getting out of their situation.
I’m not sure why it is often a woman who is narrating her story of her experience. Maybe ‘The Journal’ can give a balance – publish stories by men, people of different generations and maybe other types of relationships ie same sex relationships where there is abuse. Abuse is abuse
@Skybloo: well maybe I am too touchy on all of this over that event. My cousin had 2 kids who were great that i havent seen in years…that none of my family have seen because of this…the last time i set eyes on them was at the funeral. Their mother refuses all advances by my family to see them or even talk to them. It just annoys me a lot that they are fractured from our family because of their mother and i was unjustified in implying what i did…for what its worth, thanks for setting me straight. I should probably try harder to be more objective in this.
@Skybloo: Intimate partner abuse is deplorable regardless of gender of either perpetrator or victim. However it is overwhelmingly inflicted by men onto women. For balance we need proportionately more stories that are male perpetrators against women because that’s how it is.
Homicide victims killed by a current or former partner are 1000% more likely to be female than male. (Flood-Page et al, Crime in England and Wales 2001/2002: Supplementary Volume, Home Office,)
90% of the more systematic, persistent and injurious violence that is instrumental in the maintenance of power, is perpetrated by men. (Male Victims of Domestic Violence: A Substantive and Methodology Research Review, Michael S. Kimmel, 2001)
@Kevin Tyrrell: Why does one persons (who happens to be female) personal account of domestic violence have to turn into a gender debate? Everything has to be an argument or criticism on these comments. Its a story about domestic violence, which lets face it, is predominantly perpetrated by males. That is a statistical fact. Nobody needs to hear the token ‘what about this’ what about that’ on every story.
This bill is being touted by the Minister and others as the most important piece of legislation in this area for decades but the lack of debate which took place around it belies this. One side only got to have its say: in fact the coercive control provision was inserted at the instigation of Safe Ireland even though the Minister had raised doubts as to how enforceable it was in the Seanad last July. Women’s Aid and Safe Ireland were complimented by the Minister and others in the DAil for their contributions to the bill.
Where were the groups representing men? As usual there weren’t any; there are no comparable groups. Some facts/evidence which is very relevant to the debate but which was carefully excluded from the discussion are these:
1. Amen, the sole male support group have no offices in Dublin or the major cities.
2. In 2017 services for men in the DV area amounted to 1.4% of the total spent. There are no refuges for men and their children.
3. As a consequence under-reporting by men is very high; they don’t have a service to give support.
4. International research on DV consistently confirms that men and women perpetrate all forms of DV at comparable rates.
More than 50% of DV is reciprocal. Who is the victim in such situations?
Women are just as likely to initiate the violence and are as controlling as men.
From many references here are just two:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/272518443_Intimate_partner_violence_a_study_in_men_and_women_from_six_European_countries
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2013/5/prweb10741752.htm
@David Walsh: “This bill is being touted by the Minister and others as the most important piece of legislation in this area for decades but the lack of debate which took place around it belies this.”
The vote next week, despite all the issues surrounding the topic, is exactly to remove any future discussion from the electorate ( with their consent ) and that is difficult to accept. All the hyperfuss about life and pregnancy doesn’t matter as once the slogans stop and the posters are taken down, all dictates are made through interest groups and politicians who are free to legislate on that issue as with this one. The genuine compassionate issues are thrown in with those who use legal entitlements for contraceptive issues and few can articulate how the law goes from being a passive entity for a productive and creative society to being a vehicle to give advantage to citizens over others.
The blurring of an entitlement culture with a victim culture is a poison to society .
@David Walsh: great post / good points
@David Walsh: Excellent post setting out real facts. This piece of legislation is just the latest in a long series of State interventions to control relationships between men and women. The views of men’s groups and men’s experiences are excluded from the formulation of all these legislative measures. The powerful feminist lobby funded by the taxpayer controls the agenda and the political establishment grovels to all their demands. It’s like excluding Trade Unions and worker’s views from the formulation of all legislation governing workplace relations.
@David Walsh: DV rates are not reciprocal:
88% of women murdered in Ireland are killed by a man known to them.
5% of men are murdered by a female intimate partner.
A recent coroners review found no incidents where a woman killed a man because she was a domestic violence offender.
When women did kill their male partner, or ex-partner, it was defensive – he had a history of perpetrating violence against her and was found to be protecting herself or her children.
@Glen More: Not true. Tanya Doyle was not abused by the husband she cruelly murdered nor was Catherine Nevin. The same applies in the case of Comerford, O;Neill, Sacco etc and others that I cannot recall. The fact that the media gives so little coverage to cases where women murder and always make excuses does not mean that it doesn’t happen.
These are generally called ‘domestics’ in the States and they come in genuine and fabricated forms serving two different purposes. The are the genuine cases where either partner is subject to all forms of domineering behavior due to the character of the attacker but then there are the fabricated cases which are really prevalent in American society and they use the language of coercive control.
One partner discovers the police and the courts can be used to good effect by becoming a nominal ‘victim’. It is a tactic in a divorce/ family court atmosphere or even in households where one partner sticks around even while living with the threat.
http://www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2014/11/24/domestic-abuse-coercive-control-and-unchallenged-divorce/
The courts and the police treat it like a health and safety issue hence their impartiality for either genuine or fabricated cases but the latter using language of ‘coercive control’ is an extra layer of protection which turns a divorce case from a civil into a criminal matter , at least for those who want to use the system for their own ends.
Using the law as an entitlement vehicle must seem great but thankfully only a minority use it that way while decent couples get on with life or separate as best they can when children are involved.
@Gkell1: Jaysus there’s a fierce odour of misogynism around these parts!
The journal is posting a lot of story’s now with an anti men feel about them .if a person is an idiot it’s the person not his gender
@John Cronin: it’s the Zeitgeist we are in at the moment. Men seem to have a target on their backs. It’s ironic that sexism is encouraged against men to reduce sexism against women.
@John Cronin: “if a person is an idiot it’s the person not his gender”
In an entitlement/victim culture then gender is important when the law is used as a vehicle to give advantage to one side over another even though the laws are designed to protect genuine people subject to cruel people.
It is a trend in society that has gone on for a number of decades where one partner has to accept the law throws the good in with the bad in order to protect itself. The decisions are no longer with individuals but with advocacy groups who can exploit health and safety issues for who will contend with them. The vote next week is part of this process in asking citizens to give up their right to discuss and influence decisions that are made in political and interest group circles.
@John Cronin: But no gender is mentioned until the last sentence: ‘Identifying psychological abuse as a crime makes this is a powerful piece of legislation, in advancing women’s rights, and indeed the rights of anyone suffering from domestic violence.’
To regard this article as ‘anti-men’ is pathetically sensitive and just plain incorrect.
Any man that lays a hand on a woman in any sort of a threatening manner is nothing but a coward.
The law should allow a woman to use any force possible to protect herself.
And vice versa.
@Trevor Hayden: Way to miss the point. I have never seen a man hit a women in public. I have seen women hurling abuse at men they are in relationships in public a lot less men have I seen this. We aren’t talking about arguments either. Seen many many women slap men across the face and throw drinks on them.
Went out with a friend and his wife and they invited another couple. The women was maybe 4 stone heavier and about half a foot taller than him. She got drunk hurled abuse at him while he said nothing. She then started hitting while we waited for taxis. He is in an abusive relationship but if he defended himself you would call him a coward.
@Trevor Hayden: What about a woman battering a man,he is too ashamed to admit he is married to a female brute but he cant call for help
@Kal Ipers: You obviously don’t work in the health services patching women up from the men they love
Most acts of violence , physical or emotional , in our society , are perpetrated by MEN ..this includes domestic abuse, criminal offenses of various kinds eg muggings, vandalism, robberies . So gender has to be factored in , when discussing these issues.
@Gemma Murphy: so women are incapable of committing emotional or psychological abuse? It never happens? Really???
@Gemma Murphy: That is not true. All recent research shows it is actually women more likely to be abusive in a relationships. That is both physically and emotionally. Gender should be discussed as part of it but due to the lack of support for men. I’m sure you have seen video clips where a man abusing a women in public has people jumping to the women’s defence. When the reverse roles and the women is abusive people laugh at it and don’t intervene.
Men are much more likely to be victims of violence too.
@Gemma Murphy: Can you give references for the case of domestic abuse you cite
above and also for the maltreatment of children?
@Kal Ipers: factually incorrect
Homocide victims killed by a current or former partner are 1000% more likely to be female than male. (Flood-Page et al, Crime in England and Wales 2001/2002: Supplementary Volume, Home Office,)
Things are beginning to change slowly though and for the better I think, especially for women. Patricia Tsouros, who wrote this inspiring article on her own experience of emotional abuse, the devastating trauma she suffered at the hands of her abuser, some of the techniques her ex used in this coercive controlling relationship and how she got ‘sucked in’. I thank journal.ie for helping to raise awareness about this hideous crime and I personally found the link in the article to Patricia’s blog really inspiring .
I wonder if this legislation covers women who deny visiting rights to fathers? Abusive to the father and the child. While the relationship is over there is still a relationship with the former partner.
There is also cases of mental illness where people can act very similarly but it is not a plan or even conscious behaviour.
Women who come off the pill, don’t tell the other and get pregnant against the wishes of the partner. Equally a man who intentionally damage condoms to get their partner pregnant. This is abuse in my eyes and I know people who did this.
@Kal Ipers: “I wonder if this legislation covers women who deny visiting rights to fathers? Abusive to the father and the child.”
No. The feminist lobby would not countenance it. In fact Dr. Roisin O’Shea who studied the family law system has stated “Where access was persistently and unilaterally denied by the primary carer, no sanction was imposed by the court”. This is known in Ireland as equality.
@David Walsh: The point is it would be new law which could be applied regardless of earlier laws and judgments. The contraception issue is something I think is often ignored. Many people see nothing wrong with it and I can only see it as abuse. Cohersive pregnancy should be a crime for either side.
@Kal Ipers: Actually, tampering with a condom is rape.
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