IS IT POSSIBLE to achieve the results you want by being passive aggressive? Furthermore, can engaging in such behaviour ever be considered a good thing?

I typed those questions into Google recently only to be told, in nice big red font, that negative emotions are normal, but expressing them through passive aggressive behaviour or actions was not. It is also harmful and unhealthy. Being “pass agg” may “feel good in the moment” but can be “harmful to relationships” and “prevent addressing underlying issues.” Apparently, “it is better to openly and honestly communicate feelings instead of resorting to passive-aggressive tactics.”

Whatever Google. I was just asking!

The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “showing indirect resistance to the demands of others and avoidance of direct confrontation”.

Does that sound like Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada to you?

Me neither. Yet Meryl Streep’s character, a formidable and powerful editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine, uses passive aggressive remarks to assert dominance over Andy, her assistant, thus creating a tense toxic environment.

There are numerous ways to be passive aggressive towards someone. Strategies utilised to express negative emotions indirectly, they can show up through verbal, non-verbal and evasive conduct.

An example of such is ghosting; abruptly cutting off all contact with someone without warning or explanation. As is saying “I’m sorry if I upset you”, whilst knowing your actions were very definitely confronting.

“I’m only joking”, “you’re too sensitive” or “I didn’t think you’d understand” are other prime examples of being avoidant or insincere with an apology. Recording on your phone if the conversation or complaint isn’t going the way you want it to is another excellent illustration.

Full stop

If you feel like going full on antagonistic, a simple “k” or “whatever” will suffice but seasoned passive aggressors simply change the subject. Job done.

A recent finding threw me into a spiral of anxiety, making me question every text I ever sent. As an advocate of using proper punctuation, I learned that by ending a text with the inoffensive full stop, I am considered a hostile punctuator. I don’t think so! Even if linguist and New York times bestseller Gretchen McCulloch wrote a book about it. In it, she says the simple punctuation mark has taken on an almost passive aggressive connotation when it comes to messaging.

Office environments are notorious for placing signs on foodstuffs stored in communal fridges to prevent “accidental” mix-ups. Shutterstock Shutterstock

Office environments are notorious for placing signs on foodstuffs stored in communal fridges to prevent “accidental” mix-ups. This next one doesn’t involve a fridge, but carrots are the unlikely target. Over the summer, I heard through a friend of a friend how a teaching moment involving growing vegetables with small primary school children became a carrot shaming exercise. Pictures circulated via a memo gave reasons why carrots grown in Group A were wonky (proper directions hadn’t been followed by all accounts) compared to the perfect specimens produced by Group B who had diligently read the instructions and what’s more, made the effort to thin out the seedlings. The memo signed off expressing high expectations for better results the following year.

Will we talk about inconsiderate parking now? Obstructing footpaths, blocking a driveway, parking in designated bays the driver is not eligible to use and taking up more than one space could, if you squint your eyes and the wind is blowing the right way, legitimise an adversarial and confrontational reaction. If you are of a mind and are that person, You Absolutely Suck At Parking prank tickets can be purchased online. The box contains 50 to 100 business type cards highlighting the parking crime. I will if you will.

Does anyone recall an American sitcom called Malcolm in the Middle, depicting the day-to-day shenanigans of Malcolm (child genius) and his ruinous family? No matter if not. It was amusing in its day and one or two episodes were extremely powerful. I’m calling to mind the time Lois (mother) demanded of Hal (father) that he tell her seven things he loved about her and they had to be good and he had to mean them. Did I mention this was in their backyard in the bucketing down rain and she had gone into labour with their fourth son?

In another episode, Lois decided she’d had enough of being the skivvy for her family of males and refused to wash up even so much as a teaspoon in protest. The sink was piled high with unwashed plates and saucepans, cups, saucers, etc, and instead of giving their mother this one pitiful win, the lads instead, turned on the tap and drank from that rather than use a glass.

Testing it out

My house got a little like that last month, so I channelled my inner Lois and posted a sign over the sink which read: ‘Please. Tidy up after every meal. Be it one spoon, one glass or the air fryer. Wash up and put it away. Your mother is tired!!!’.

I channeled my inner Lois from Malcolm in the Middle. Alamy Stock Photo Alamy Stock Photo

I spent a very pleasant five minutes choosing font size and type with appropriate danger colours before laminating it.

So simple. So easy. To the point and hopefully, effective. And just in case I was doing an Alanis and confusing the meaning of ironic (the irony) I asked my kids if the notice could be considered passive aggressive. They shrugged indifferently, mirroring their stance on my signage.

Quick update. The novelty of the sign has worn off and the state of the kitchen has returned to its original mess.

All is not lost, however. When used carefully, it can have its perks. Which pleases me no end because let’s be honest, each of us at one stage or another have dropped an innocent passive aggressive grenade into the conversation. Yes? No? Oh, I think so!

What about the time a snarky comment was used to test boundaries or to check see what someone really thinks? Or when Captain Extra is getting on our very last nerve and we would like them to realise they have crossed a line without being confrontational about it. Yes, that counts. Remember when Ross in Friends discovered his sister Monica was with Chandler. “Well, this is just perfect. My best friend with my sister. This is just great.” Clearly, Ross, it wasn’t.

Chandler’s catchphrase, “could it be any more..?” was often played for comic effect but at the same time, ticks the mildly passive aggressive box.

Tread carefully though. A little goes a long way and overdoing it runs the real risk of the comment coming across as just plain mean. If in doubt, ask yourself: “What would Lois or Miranda do?”.

Then do the opposite.

Gwen Loughman is the gatekeeper of four boys, one husband and a watcher over two dogs.