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AH, JOB INTERVIEWS.
Is there anyone alive that actually enjoys them? It’s like a long drawn-out awkward first date, except there’s definitely no wine, slim chance of shifting – and you’ve had to provide written references in advance before getting in the door, which rather kills the mood.
However: never fear. We have some ingenious tips, below, to help you get through even the stickiest of situations in your next interview.
(Pssst, maybe don’t take them all that seriously if you do want to nab that dream job…)
As an act of Alpha assertion in the intrepid job interview environment, try perfecting a terrifyingly strong handshake – if commented on, refer to it as The Bonecrusher in a slightly deeper voice. Either that, or try out a bafflingly limp one. Always keep them guessing.
Recruiters and those working in HR can smell fear (this is a #science #fact), so it’s important to maintain your composure. If ethology has taught us anything, it’s that you should always strive to be the Alpha in social situations. Get across that you’re the big dog by blocking their path, closing doors in their face, drinking from their glass, etc. Maintain firm eye contact throughout.
When answering the questions posed to you by your potential new boss, it’s essential to get in one piece of business jargon per sentence. Even if that includes inserting words like “marketeer” at completely inappropriate times, go with it.
Call the interviewer by the wrong name (even try the wrong gender if you’re feeling particularly business savvy on the day). This gets across the key idea that you’re a maverick who doesn’t play by the rules and march to the beat of your own drum. Companies appreciate that.
If they ask you a question like “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” simply answer “A mirror” and refuse to be drawn further into their farcical crystal ball nonsense.
Ever heard the old adage “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”? Sure, it’s a little unorthodox to arrive to a job interview in a full fire-man’s regalia (including helmet and extinguisher), but you’ve got to adhere to these principles if you want to further your career, right?
One sure-fire way to lose your cool is forgetting to apply some essential anti-antiperspirant before D-Day. Choose Sure Maximum Protection - with double the normal protection – in order to make sure that on the days you’re more likely to be hot under the collar, you’re in no danger of showing it. Antiperspirant that won’t let you down.
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