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Dublin: 16 °C Tuesday 18 June, 2019

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Ice-cream for children’s votes? Tayto Park as possible children’s hospital site? European ‘Rear of the Year’ award for the Taoiseach?

Sedative use linked to Saorview absenteeism?
Sedative use linked to Saorview absenteeism?
Image: Sasko Lazarov/Photocall Ireland

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Fears children won’t bother voting in their own referendum

Monday, 22 October

The Children’s Referendum ran into trouble this morning after children said they weren’t going to bother voting in it.

“My folks vote and they always regret it,” a five-year-old boy explained to The Mire.

“Why should we vote anyway? They haven’t given us any incentive. Not even a day off school.”

The boy said he would consider encouraging his friends to vote if polling day were switched to a school day and there were other incentives.

“Ice-cream would be a start,” he said.

Gilmore to back Tayto Park as children’s hospital site

Tuesday, 23 October

Tayto Park is emerging as a possible location for the new national children’s hospital after Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore began researching locations for it.

It’s thought that Mr Gilmore’s interest reflects a lack of trust in Health Minister Dr James Reilly’s selection process.

“It’s hard to believe that Dr Reilly didn’t even consider Tayto Park,” a source close to Mr Gilmore said.

“It has fun and games, crisps, sweets and soft drinks. It’s a magnet for children. And between cheese & onion and salt & vinegar crisps it has four of the five-a-day children need for a healthy diet,” he added.

Link between sedative use and not making Saorview switchover

Wednesday, 24 October

The failure of 100,000 households to prepare for the digital switchover could be related to a huge increase in the use of sedatives.

Up to 100,000 households have not made arrangements to switch from analogue to digital today.

Meanwhile, it’s reported that there has been a 40 per cent increase in the use of tranquilisers and sedatives in the last five years.

“The two are probably related,” a doctor told The Mire. “Some of my patients watch television for hours without switching it on.”

Enda Kenny to receive ‘European Rear of the Year’ award

Thursday, 25 October

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has been announced as the winner of the prestigious European Rear of the Year award for 2012.

The award, given by a German business group, recognises the “genuine hardship being experienced by many Irish people”.

“We love the cheerful way you sing and tell jokes when we are shafting you,” a source close to the awards said.

“Most of our victims are sullen and uncooperative. It is heart-warming when we can all have a laugh about it.”

Criminals to give notice of crimes as Garda stations close

Friday, 26 October

Criminals will be expected to provide advance notice of their crimes in writing after the State closes rural garda stations.

“This cannot work without co-operation from every criminal in the country,” a Garda spokesman said.

“We are in discussions with them now under the terms of the Croke Park Agreement but they are reluctant to accept new work practices.”

“It’s a lot to ask,” a criminal said. “I got into crime because I hated doing paperwork.”

Eighty garda stations are to close by the end of the year. “They’ll be open again in five years but it will be too late,” a spokesman for Common Sense said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

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