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WE ALL DREAM of finding the ideal partner. One of the myriad of problems we face is how to know whether we have chosen the right person. The separation and divorce statistics seem to tell us that we are not very good at choosing a partner.
At Relationships Ireland, we meet many single people who want to be given the sure-fire formula for the perfect partner. There are, as you know, many agencies that will, for a fee, filter out those who do not suit your particular needs and profile and then come up with your ‘perfect’ match.
The ‘age gap’ is of particular interest to many because of, not to put too fine a point on it, the sex interest (more on which later). If the woman has a younger partner, often described as her lover, he is also described as a ‘toy boy’ – a plaything. If he is older by a good few years she is described as a ‘gold digger’ and he is described as a ‘dirty old man’.
So what is the gap that could produce problems? I can only tell you from my experience. Anything wider than about 10 years could produce problems in the future. For a start, we are at different stages in our lives, jobs, education and ambition. This age difference doesn’t matter too much initially because we, at the start, are mainly into the physical attraction stage, ie the sex stage. Once this stage has passed cracks start to appear. At this point many couples in relationships with an age gap wider than 10 years will be howling in protest that this isn’t true; howl away. I can only give you my experience.
Those in these ‘age gap’ relationships must also face some prejudice from society. The gossip mongers and those who are jealous will lay poison to break this relationship. There will be lots of sniggers in the background (back to the sex issue again). It is also frankly very difficult as years go by to find a social outlet for people from different cultural eras. One partner will have grown up in the 80s, the other in the 90s. Neither quite understands the other. That misunderstanding increases with age.
Of course there is some understanding and appreciation but there will always be some ‘gap’. This also applies to clothes styles and fashion for example. This bone of contention isn’t just limited to this type of relationship. We know our own style and what suits us and what makes us feel comfortable. The age gap in fashion can be stark.
Health, energy and vitality are also issues that emerge over time. Our energy levels do reduce over the years. Many people will use ‘energy levels’ as a euphemism for sexual activity. Can he keep her satisfied and vice versa. Many younger partners do complain that they are forced to become ‘old’ before their time and they want to go out to night clubs and enjoy themselves.
This is where problems come to the surface. The difference between someone aged 35 and another aged 45 can be huge. It doesn’t matter that much if you meet on holiday for two or three weeks. But coming back to real life is difficult. If you wish to continue the relationship and it becomes serious, meeting the parents and family can be very troublesome.
Why we choose who we do is a source of theoretical debate in the psychology world. But, as interesting and richly rewarding as that may be to academics, we are still faced with the dilemma of deciding whether to go ahead with this ‘age gap’ relationship. We convince ourselves we can make it work, we will be different. The odds are that we won’t make it work and we are not different.
We choose a particular person at a certain time in our lives. At a different stage we may choose a different person. We have different needs at different times. Yes, we may be very sexually frustrated and it may have been a very long time since someone showed any interest in us sexually and we find this both surprising and flattering. We may have a penchant for someone older or younger – no problem.
However, think carefully about the long term ramifications of such a liaison. Opposites do attract for lots of different reasons, sometimes unconscious psychological reasons. However, when those needs are met the relationship can fall apart.
If possible, we need to link in with someone who is similar to ourselves. Even with this seemingly harmonious compatibility, problems can and do occur. We need as much going for us as possible in the minefield that is relationships of the heart, and age compatibility is an essential component.
Tony Moore is a counsellor for Relationships Ireland. Relationships Ireland provides affordable confidential counselling and support services that offer you the opportunity to understand and resolve difficulties in your relationship. For more information or to book a consultation you can contact 1890 380 380 or email: info@relationshipsireland.com.
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Then the Department of Health wonder where all the extra money goes they give hospitals. No accountability whatsoever, time for sweep out all these big, not for purpose entities.
Am i reading this right? One publicly funded agency, HSE, is giving our tax money to another publicly funded entity, UL, to set up a hypothetical private company with public taxes to hire workers who dont receive public benefits and neither the HSE or UL will account for how the money is being spent or why anyone hired should be hired without state benefits since they are being hired with our tax money.
The wonderful financial mismanagement of continuous FFG rule.
Another tax please?
@Roy Dowling: Ah that awl chestnut. That’s an easy line to throw out and implies that it’s wages from union agreements that have caused it to spiral. No substance behind that and you shouldn’t throw out lines like that if you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about!….. Do you really think it’s caused the HSE budget to jump from 13.3B in 2012 to 23.5b in 2024?!?! Total pay for the whole HSE in 2022 was 7.2B, of that non-clinical management/admin was €992.5m.
@another one? what’s going on is the semi state sec: I didn’t read it that way, I read it that the strong unions are preventing the removal of useless staff, changes to work practices etc not that the pay was too high.
I work in the public sector and see it there as well with managers and staff refusing to change work practices, refusing to do work delegated and actively sabotaging others work to try and get ahead.
I was surprised the recruitment firm couldn’t give a figure until I read that it’s a “not for profit public sector” recruitment firm. That explains it.
@Tom D: That’s a good one. Not for profit public sector recruitment firm.
@Tom D: well said Tom….” not for profit – say no more!!!
Obscene….. And not even for frontline staff!!!! No wonder the HSE budget has increased by around 10 billion in 12 years with this sort of spending. I’ll bet there’s some serious gouging here because it was a state contract!…… Another inquiry needed!
@another one? what’s going on is the semi state sec: RTE was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the waste and greed of our public sector, especially the management layers.
Hse has rte accounting issues, any chance of an independent audit.
The money was just resting in their accounts
Beyond joke!
Needs a full independent investigation. Employment rights being exploited. HSE and UL need to be held to account
the levels of mismanagement in the crooked Irish system are absolutely breathtaking
it needs to COLLAPSE
As the old saying says: The only place there isn’t a FIDDLE is in a BRASS BAND.
Cheap labour market, no training, paid 13 euros, serious breaches of the temp agency act under equal pay. Placing these agency staff in higher grades but paying the minimum, HSE staff on the panels then can’t access the full-time positions, both UL and uhl guilty of breach of employment rights and law. Another enquiry needed to show the full rot.
@Lourda Finn: Spot on, €14 Million in one particular year for placement of 1500 staff, something very rotten about those figures, someone is creaming it somewhere. The HSE is a corrupt organization, the constant requests for Work Permits for nurses, they have got rid of Irish nurses & are replacing them with cheap agency labour from India. The abuses of monies in the HSE are breathtaking, yet we are paying massive salaries to Stephen Donnelly, Robert Watt & Bernard Gloster, the 3 of them should be fired, along with all senior Executives.
no accountability Ireland, ceo’s, consultants and managers walk off into the sunset, with no consequences for their actions, while the Hse pay out billions in lawsuits during a recruitment freeze, it beggers belief…
Like with 2008 crash then again with the 2020 lockdown the slate should of been be wiped clean and started a fresh. But no our governments just gave a way more. We like a dripping tap needing a 10 cent washer but instead we give out multi million euro bucket contracts and then pay big salaries to a management team to look after them and then another to empty them.
Another scandal another day in Ireland
Yea that would be in keeping with the FFG in government, no shock or surprise, just tax the paye more when you start getting low in the coffers
@N D K: I would vote for any party whose sole policy was total reform of our public services, unfortunately there is no party even mentioning it. Our tax take should allow us to provide excellent services but in most areas they are shambolic (bar revenue of course, who are excellent).
All these public institutions needs to be looked into by a company the same as CAB,but not from Ireland,The Banks,HSE,Local County Councils,The planning department,Justice, civil servants,the parties in power,we need to find out since Trica.this isnt done nothing changes,if people have committed crimes,need to be dealt with the same as us,and if people r caught,they be made pay back,and lose the golden retirement.they know everything about us,when Covid came,in less than 2 weeks the revenue were able to put in place the Covid payment for the worker,if u want to draw stamps, make u wait weeks,if ur disabled,once off need payment,their refusing irish people,I think it’s coz their budget for the year,the foreigners r included in that,eff the Irish
Wow not suprised as HSE all over. Wonder what EX HSE manager is leading this UL company
If these bozos in the public sector ran businesses in the private sector, they be bankrupted after a month
UHL in the news again today for all the wrong reasons.
The midless billions that were and are being wasted by the HSE and the health boards of the past is just cringing to think about
…real money,tax payers money.
….we never really cracked how to run a health sevice
The fact that our population is gone up
50% in 30 years is a major contributing factor….I suppose
This is the new circular economy. HSE dumps a great wad of cash into UL, but they don’t know what, if anything, they might have gotten for it. Don’t ask UL, sure they’re no good with money. But it does enable UL to buy 20 houses for €13 million, despite the real value being €6 million, despite them being designated social housing and despite having no planning approval to be used as student accommodation.
Meanwhile, despite all these new hypothetical admin staff, Limerick hospital ED is like a continuous battle zone and is unfit for patients or the people who have to work there, and even the look of it is like some run-down Eastern block institution.
I love seeing journalists investigating the powerful!
I had this mad idea that that’s what they were supposed to do but when you look at a lot that passes for journalism it’s not there! Good article, keep ‘em coming!
Another UL corruption story. How deep does this rabbit hole go?
Utter madness.the fish rots from the head down.
That is rubbish, they have a payroll accounts system, does anyone know how to count the people on it.
Another RTE…. needs to be a serious inquiry into the goings on at the HSE.
@Steve Davis: in terms of the hse and misbehaviour, mishandling s by them compared to in rte (A politically biased, unethical broadcaster) id say its 200:3 in an approximate ratio. no wait, the hse is probably on 2 000 and rte 3
Time to stop hiring agency staff, and using private sector to fill public jobs, plenty of people in child care, and social care that could make great nurses, if points were reduced here, allowing many more to qualify. And train them like before, nurses don’t need degree courses, they just need empathy and care, and a decent wage. Most hospitals are run by reg staff, it’s a box ticking exercise when you go through A And E. Head injury have a ultrasound,
Break a leg have an ultrasound, crazy.
LOL
H.s.e cowboys couldn’t run a proverbial p—s up in a brewery.
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