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I HAD MY first baby the day before my 25th birthday. He’s eight now.
I’d always heard stories about how madly in love you are with your baby from the second you lay eyes on them. I still feel like that’s Disney’s version of events. It wasn’t so for me.
He was a fine healthy baby and we were soon home; we lived in my mam’s back then. I did everything he needed – feeding, washing, soothing – but I felt very detached. If he cried I’d pick him up, but once he was OK it was back to the bouncer. Same for all his needs; once they were tended to I’d put him back down.
You hear these mums talking about their “magical” experience of childbirth. To me it was horrific. When baby was finally placed on my chest, my immediate reaction was ‘ew’. And then my body went into shock – he had to be lifted off me in a hurry so I could vomit! There was no denying, he was a beautiful baby and for the first few weeks I thought I was coping fine, but I was like a robot, doing what I had to. There was no bond that I could feel.
All these stories from other mums only went towards making me feel less capable. I wouldn’t go out with him in case he’d start crying and people would think I was a bad mum. Sure I know now that all babies cry – no child ever died from crying – and it doesn’t make anyone bad! I guess I was still quite immature. I expected to be super yummy-mummy extraordinaire, but the truth was I could barely get off the sofa.
Days would go by without getting showered or dressed – baby always looked great, but I was exhausted and couldn’t be bothered! At one point I thought I was invisible, people would call in to see the baby, but I thought nobody gave a toss about me and I felt put out by that. I know how selfish that sounds now, but I want to be honest about how I was feeling.
Yes, I would hold and soothe the baby if he was crying but real affection was somehow lacking. I can’t explain why – maybe I had too high an expectation of it all and when it didn’t happen like that I thought I was failing.
I had always been very in control of my life and having a baby was like losing the control. I felt inside like I was in free-fall. And so I got steadily angrier with the people around me. My boyfriend – his dad – would get it in the throat over nothing. My mam was great, and yet she’d get shouted at regularly too.
It all came to a head one morning when I was home alone with the baby and I couldn’t find his soother. I rang my mam in work and went bananas down the phone – like she had taken it with her or hidden it on me! I didn’t get the response I wanted, so when I hung up I threw the phone against the living room wall in temper. I remember clearly, even as I was throwing it, thinking to myself “What are you doing?”
I went to my GP the next morning and described how I felt. I told him that much as I wouldn’t lay a hand on my child, I could literally see myself in my minds eye physically hurting the others around me. The doctor was great, he was so calm – as if it wasn’t a big deal at all. He prescribed me tablets: one a day (“whether you feel like you need it or not”) to “ground me”. Anti-depressants aren’t the crazy mind-altering things they were years ago. Sure I felt a bit dodgy for a couple of days but I didn’t turn into a catatonic happy-head or anything like it! It took two weeks for the tablets to steady me but I was still me – sometimes happy, sometimes cranky.
I knew I was going to be on these tablets for about a year, and I was OK with that. A year isn’t a long time, especially when you have kids! After a little over nine months the tablets started to make me nauseous so I went back to the GP. He gave me a lower dose but they made me even sicker. So after a quick phone call to him I stopped taking them. No side effects, no DTs, nothing – I was fine.
The doctor told me that real affection for my baby would come in time and eventually it did. Not while I was taking the tablets – not in fact until long after, when he started talking (he was so funny and smart, I was so proud!). But the support of my GP taught me that it was OK to feel like I did, and my trust in my doctor meant that I was OK with it too.
It wasn’t until five years later that I fell pregnant again. The GP assured me I wouldn’t necessarily end up ill again, and thank God I didn’t. My second boy was born after complications and spent a little time in special care, and still I was fine. The hospital sent a mental health nurse to assess me after the second baby and it was only then that I found out just how seriously ill I had been before! They call it puerperal psychosis. The hospital nurse was so concerned about me, I nearly started to doubt myself, but I was fine. It just went to show me that the GP’s calm and gentle demeanour went so far to reassuring me that I wasn’t crazy. It’s much more common than anyone would realise – especially in these testing times.
It’s important to me to stress that this is my experience. I was very lucky to have enough lucidity to recognise that smashing up the house wasn’t going to make me feel any better – it was just going to cost me a fortune in replacing broken stuff! There are some women who don’t recognise their symptoms and don’t seek help. My heart goes out to those women and their families, their suffering could go on and on.
My boys are eight and two now and we’re all doing great. I’m a very lucky mam. I hope my story reaches out. There’s no shame in getting help. After all, you’d take flu medicine for a flu.
Anyone looking for information on or support with post-natal depression can contact Aware or the Post Natal Distress Support Group.
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Glad to hear that you all came out of it okay, and good health to you and your kids =)
Well done for telling your story…very very hard thing to go through xxxx
this could be my story too. I got help and now I can see clearly that I was ill. I felt like I was letting everyone down in those early days and I didn’t recognise that I needed to help myself before anyone else and then it would all fall into place. it is hard to see this through what I call the fog of post natal depression. but I urge anyone who has these feelings after having a baby or any time for that matter to see your gp. they see this all the time so don’t be afraid or ashamed.
Well done Lynn for sharing your story. Very similar to my own. Expectations are so high & having a baby can be so hard. Seeking help is the bravest & best thing to do.
Lynn. Good to see things are going well for you. Your honesty will help lots of others out there. Well done.
A really honest account which I’m sure will help lots of other new Mums, glad you are all doing ok now x
It takes a long time to develop a bond for some people. I kept waiting for the rush it never came instead came a slow gradual love for my daughter. It’s good to talk about these things as it helps other. Fair play for telling your story
my grandmother was committed in 1927..after the birth of her son who at the age of 24 days old died. she had post natal depression she never recovered she lived and died in grangegorman .. thank god women get proper treatment today
Lynn….your honestly will help others in this situation who might feel they are going mad & that they are the only one who feels like this after having a baby. The first time I saw my daughter I vomited from shock & thought the nurse was been sarcastic when she said to me your daughter is beautiful….my wee girl had a crumpled up squashed face from a difficult birth…she looked awful….she is 8 now & a beauty. The shock of her birth is just a distant memory now. It’s only in films that everything is rosey & every birth experience is different !!
Amazing, well done Lynn, you’re stronger than you will ever know xx
Thank you….if the truth be known many of those mams who had the “classic” birth and ensuing perfection when they get baby home feel like this too but hide it, bottle it up and ultimately destroy themselves. They keep up the expected front. Also not all symptoms are so visible (anger etc.) and therefore goes undetected. Dialogue on this should more open and Docs should be better equipped to deal with this also, they’re not all as good as yours but again thank you for your honesty and creating transparency over this issue. I’m delighted for you that life is good now!
Absolutely great article and great source of comfort to women out there who have may gone through similiar experiences thinking they were alone.
Loved reading that as I’ve just had baby and can in some ways identify with you I.e the whole ‘Disney magic’ that’s suppose to kick in! Thank god you recognised your symptoms n glad it all worked out :)
It’s not all wonderful, I was actually in shock after my first baby (normal delivery), had no real idea what I was in for, as for bringing him home, OMG hospitals should run classes about this not just up to the labour! I really suffered and should have done something, I think too that women these days (myself included) are having babies later and are so used to doing their own thing it’s very hard to adjust. Brilliant article well done!
Really. even letting women know that these are totally normal reactions after birth would be a big help.
Hi Lynn,
thanks for the very informative and honest account of your experience. Its very comforting to read how you got through such a difficult time & even went onto have another child without relapsing.
Your piece clearly states that you are not
trying to be general but are specifically relaying your personal experience of your illness and subsequent recovery.
Irrespective of what your illness was labled as, it sounds like it was very difficult & Im just heartened that you have come out the other side, positive, healthy & with two little boys whom you love very much.
I think its very unfair of previous pisters to try & pick holes in your story, furthermore, I certainly dont think anyone, despite their occupation, is qualified to diagnose or dismiss any diagnosis you may have received while receiving treatment, on the basis of an article. Its not a competition afterall.
Finally, id just like to say that you & people like you are the reason that the stigma attached to mental health is slowly being eroded. By hearing about your experiences we learn about these very important issues & we learn not to fear them.
Wishing you all the best. X
So well said Caoimhe!!! Lynn, I think you are amazingly brave and honest to share your experience, on a public forum especially. So many women experience difficulties in varying degrees but it is so socially unacceptable to discuss birth/babies/parenthood in anything other than the most Utopian of terms. Women need to be more open and honest with each other and maybe someday the stigma will disappear. I also agree that it is v wrong of posters to question/criticise/attempt to re-diagnose, based solely on the article, irrespective of qualification or experience. Huge thumbs up Lynn. Wishing you an abundance of happiness and health.
And just to clarify, my own gp didn’t refer to it as psychosis at the time. It was however what was written on my file. I am not trying to “cheapen” anyone else’s experience, simply share my own. I came through my struggles and i hope the same outcome for every new mum who suffers their own.
The tablets were called Efexor. Im sorry if my story has somehow offended you. Im only sharing my story, we’re all different.
In fairness I think Lynn does clarify that this is what was written on her notes, rather than a conclusion she reached on her own. In my own experience Irish mental health care professionals can play a bit fast and loose with diagnoses and note-taking in general; they don’t always feel a pressing need to be accurate.
This story does read more like PND than post-natal psychosis but that’s not to deny the seriousness of the problem. It sounds like the author went through a tough time and well done to her on speaking out.
Efexor acts on both serotonin and noradrenaline. It’s a bit “buzzier” than standard SSRI’s, and have more side-effects so is less commonly prescribed.
I’d hesitate before I’d call any psycho-active drug “mild” though. And if Lynn’s story come’s across as “mild” maybe it’s because it’s told in a factual and non-dramatic way,
Hi Eithne. It sounds like you have had a difficult experience yourself. However as all these experiences are different, I don’t think it’s helpful to speculate about the severity of the medical conditions of others. Thanks.
Eithne ,This article was an account of one mothers experience post natal ,it is an experience that is all too common but sadly not widely discussed .I do not mean to be offencive but surely you would do better to share your own experience ,It would be more helpful to other parents then picking holes in this girls GPs diagnosis and treatment , I would remind you of one statement Lynn made, ” the support of my GP taught me that it was OK to feel like I did, and my trust in my doctor meant that I was OK with it too”. Sounds like a great Doctor to me.
Yes i was-very lucky. And if i didn’t state that within the piece i apologise-i definitely meant to.
Im only sharing my experience. @eithne, The hospital nurse had my file and that was what they had it labeled as.
Hi Eithne, thanks for your comments. I just wanted to clarify that the intention of this piece was to hopefully help others who might find themselves in Lynn’s situation – not to get into the specifics of diagnosis which I’m sure vary from case to case. Thanks.
People in the know? Thanks doctor!
Im sorry you had to go through that eithne, i really am.
I love your honesty. I never got a sudden rush of love but I cared for my children perfectly and then one day it just hits you, the strongest love in the world, love that strong isn’t instantaneous.
Thanks for sharing your story – went through PND myself after my son was born and one of the things that really helped (along with counselling and medication) was realizing just how many people this happens to. Glad you’re doing well now!
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