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IF YOUR WIFE or partner has ever sent you a 30-second skit depicting a father doing something funny, like walking past the laundry basket on the stairs for days on end or him filling out a form for their child but he has to keep texting his wife to ask her for the basic information, chances are she’s not just sending it for the LOL’s.
She’s possibly sending it to you in the hopes you might recognise yourself in the reel because she feels fed up carrying the mental load.
One such funny short doing the rounds recently shows a father with his 10-year-old daughter in the doctor’s office. The physician asks the father the usual questions – how old is she? Does she have any allergies? How tall is she? Any medical conditions? When asked, instead of answering the doctor directly, the dad whispers each question into his daughter’s ear to get the answer first and then repeats the correct response to the doctor.
There’s no denying it’s been exaggerated for humorous effect, racking up 54.9 million views, and while it’s not all fathers, one look at the thousands of comments makes it clear that for many women, it sums up their frustrations on the mental load perfectly.
It’s easy to see why dads might get defensive when called out on this topic or even feel aggrieved, because the fact is, fathers are more involved now. Thankfully, we have come a long way from the days when men didn’t change a nappy or even have a right to statutory paternity leave. Things have changed, and plenty of commenters were quick to point out that they have a good balance in their households.
However, it must be acknowledged that the mental load extends beyond simply doing the hoovering, changing a nappy or playing with the kids. The mental load is the always-on ‘everything else’ that is still being disappointingly carried by women, who take on 71% of all household mental load tasks, leaving many feeling frustrated by the gap between effort and responsibility.
In the case of the skit, it’s not simply taking the child to the doctor’s appointment; it’s recognising they are feeling off in the first place, doing battle with the GP receptionist to get an appointment, asking the doctor the right questions, knowing about allergies and if they hate a certain type of medicine and won’t take it.
Giving the medicine three times a day, knowing it might impact your child’s mood, appetite, or sleep and factoring in the knock-on effects, anticipating their stress over being out of school and their favourite activities. It’s letting the school know, it’s the WhatsApp messages and notifications for missed activities and playdates, and the rescheduling attached.
The truth is, funny internet videos like this one hit home for so many mums who often find themselves having the same conversations about the same issues, around the division of labour in the family and the mental load. We must recognise that for some mothers, situations like these are their reality, and it’s exhausting.
We know that in the main, stay at home parents still tend to be women, with the 2022 census putting the figure at around 90%, and think tank ESRI finding that women tend to carry the lion’s share of the unpaid family care and responsibilities, but even when both parents are working outside of the home, women still can’t outrun the mental load.
Recent research from the University of Bath found that mothers do the majority of ‘thinking work’ in households, regardless of their employment status or how much they earn. The research calls this ‘gendered cognitive stickiness’. Unlike physical tasks, which can be shared or even outsourced, cognitive tasks such as arranging medical appointments, tracking school deadlines and managing family logistics, “stick to women and are rarely renegotiated. These responsibilities often occur without clear boundaries, anytime and anywhere, making them harder to redistribute.”
The study’s lead author, Dr Ana Catalano Weeks, noted, “Even as women gain economic power, they remain responsible for anticipating and coordinating household needs—tasks that are largely invisible and difficult to delegate.”
So, if you’ve ever scratched your head thinking, well, what is the mental load? Most of it seems invisible and can be hard to quantify in a tangible way. Simply put, it’s the thinking work. It’s the constant planning ahead, the scanning, anticipating needs, the remembering and organisation that keeps family life running smoothly.
It’s multiple WhatsApp groups for everything your child is involved in, its appointments, its planning meals, keeping up with likes and dislikes, managing playdates or knowing who’s their bestie and who isn’t this week. It’s filling in forms, emails and endless scheduling. It’s knowing when children are feeling off, picking up on cues, remembering when it’s dress-up day or funny jumper day in school, or those 10 plastic bottles they need for their project a week from tomorrow.
If you’re still confused, picture the way in which dads can often walk out the door in the morning without a second thought beyond their own day ahead of them. Now picture a mum who must factor in all of the above before she can put a foot forward.
So maybe the next time your other half sends you a funny reel where the partner can’t find the ketchup, which is staring him in the face in the fridge or offers to look after the children for the day but keeps asking where they keep the kids’ clothes, instead of laughing along, maybe consider there’s more to it than meets the eye.
Niamh O’Reilly is a freelance writer and journalist.
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