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DO YOU THINK it’s acceptable to discipline another person’s child or, indeed, for another person to discipline your child? I believe that it is ok under certain circumstances and not ok under other circumstances. These days, parents are quite protective of their children and have their own ideas on how their child should be brought up; if another adult disciplines their child, they feel that this is wrong and as their rules and accepted behaviour for their child is for them to decide and not someone else. Gone are the days when any adult would feel free to give a child a telling off or, even more, a ‘clip on the ear’ for misbehaving.
So is it ever ok to correct another person’s child? I feel that there are circumstances when it is acceptable. Firstly, if the child is doing something that is dangerous to themselves or others, it is absolutely correct for an adult to intervene. For example, if a child is pushing another child into a roadway, it is absolutely correct for a passing adult to ask them to stop and explain that it is dangerous. As a parent, I would be grateful to the adult who intervened. Intervention is acceptable in terms of stopping the behaviour and preventing a possible accident, but it stops there. I wouldn’t be happy if the adult disciplined my child or went on to criticise them for their behaviour – that’s my job!
Another situation where it is acceptable for an adult to intervene is where the child is damaging private property. For example, if I saw a child climbing on the bonnet of a car and jumping on it I would certainly ask them to stop and explain that they are damaging the car. I would also explain that they could hurt themselves if they fell off. Again, I would be happier if an adult stopped one of my children doing something similar and thus avoiding damaging, and possibly causing me to have to pay for repairs for, another person’s property.
The subject of an adult intervening when children are having disagreements among themselves is a very difficult subject. Children will have their little disagreements and periods where they ‘fall out’ with another child. As adults, we should not intervene and take sides. Children have to learn from these experiences about how to stand up for themselves, how to handle disagreements and (hopefully) how to work things out and agree a better way of getting on with their siblings or friends.
Parents interfering can cause the child that they are defending to become dependant on the adult to sort out their problems rather than learning how to do it themselves. Similarly, the child being ‘blamed’ can feel very isolated and hurt by the adult’s interference and, rather than trying to work out the disagreement, may not bother because they feel ‘picked on’ or embarrassed by the adult’s intervention.
However, if you see a situation where a child is being severely bullied or endangered by another child or children, then it is right to intervene. This is similar to the situation where a child is endangering themselves or another child by their behaviour. If you saw a group of children hitting or hurting another child it is ok to tell them to stop and to tell the child who is the victim to go back to their parent/childminder so that they are safe. This is not correcting other people’s children, it is rescuing a child from a situation where they could be hurt.
Balance is very important in parent-child relationships; getting a good balance between positive parenting and positive discipline is vital. ‘Positive parenting’ includes noticing and encouraging good behaviour, and this can be applied with other people’s children. As an adult, in the same way that you could intervene if a child is misbehaving, you can also seize the opportunity to praise a child when they are behaving well. So if you notice good behaviour in another child, why not comment on this and encourage the child?
For example, if you see a child picking up litter and placing in a litter bin, why not say something like ‘Wow, good girl – aren’t you very good to pick up that litter!”. I was walking through my estate one day and a little boy was sitting on the grass with his dog looking a little anxious. When I asked him if he was ok, he explained that his dog had ‘pooped’ and he was waiting for his friend to bring him back a bag to pick it up. I went to my house and got him a bag and then praised his good behaviour saying “you are a very good boy for making sure you cleaned up after your dog. Your parents should be very proud of you!”. He was delighted and encouraged by the praise, when he told his mum, she was also proud of him and thanked me for encouraging his good behaviour.
So to summarise, it is okay to intervene when:
Remember, too, to try to notice when children behave well and comment and encourage them when you can.
Martina Newe is director of www.HelpMe2Parent.ie who provide parenting courses and support for every step of parenting. Classes range from antenatal and newborn care, parenting all age groups, parenting after separation or divorce, self-development for teenagers and in-school and community services. Help Me To Parent use the award winning Parents Plus Programmes for courses. Martina also offers private coaching and is a fully trained family mediator.
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Yes a good boot in the hole
Nothing like a boot in the hole from a stranger to add a little perspective.
Abso-lookin-footely
Nothing wrong with a steel toecap on the arse bone
You would be a very crankyrider with one of them
It is with the seat of the negligent parent’s pants that you should shine your shoe, old sport.
Yeah till it’s one of your own see how you feel about that then!!!
Did you ever consider being a priest?
if the child is someone else’s but under my supervision (e.g. a friend visiting on a playdate with my five year old) then I treat her friends exactly the same as my own daughter and I expect the child to largely behave in a way that is acceptable in my house. for example we eat meals at the table, so my daughter’s friends eat meals at our table when they visit, no-where else, and I don’t care where they eat at home!
Otherwise I’m teaching my daughter that her friends get away with things and she doesn’t and that is not the message I want her to get at all.
Also if kids are just generally behaving inappropriately in public (e.g swearing around younger children) then absolutely I would ask them to stop. My experience where I live is that unsupervised children generally are well behaved however so I haven’t had to. But where I used to live that wasn’t the case and yes I intervened regardless of the potential consequences. If no-one teaches children how to behave then what sort of society do we become??
It’s good to compliment young people if you see them doing good deeds, why not?, better than criticising all the time.
I fully agree with the article.
However if I suspect that the children belong to the pyjama gang I will leave the alone as their social behaviour standards are very different to mine. And nobody wants to get into trouble with those scxxbags.
But I will certainly intervene with children of normal – educated families.
Yes. Best not to associate with the uneducated.
Education is no reflection on intelligence.
Education is no reflection on intelligence.
I agree with much of the article. However, if I encounter arrogant adults who label children as scxxbags, I will leave them alone as their social behaviour standards are very different to mine. And nobody wants to get in trouble with people like that. But I would certainly intervene with normal adults who come from educated families that have an understanding of child development.
As a business owner I regularly have to stop children playing with the stock, if the parent isn’t going to correct them then it is my responsibility to tell them they can’t touch stuff (some of which is dangerous) it is amazing the number of parents that don’t watch what their children are doing in shops. I will always correct a child if the parent isn’t going to.
I think if a child is acting out of order and their parents are not nearby, then it could be OK very politely and nicely (given that they are children) to ask them not to touch something that is dangerous to touch. But if it is not dangerous, well we all have to give leeway to children, don’t we, since we understand that they are not like adults and their curious behaviour is natural and that their brain structure literally doesn’t allow them to be able to control their impulses in the way we can, or see things from another person’s point of view. So as intelligent adults who understand this science, we have to constantly give them a break.
The most horrible thing of all I see is parents dragging small children round shops, expecting them to stand still doing nothing, touching nothing for ages while the parents shop. It is just not natural for a child – we wouldn’t like it ourselves, just standing and waiting for hours, and it is much harder for a child. I think the children show remarkable patience and good behaviour in those circumstances. Imagine being taken to Dundrum shopping centre by your friend and told to stand there, wait, don’t move a muscle, don’t say anything, and I am not going to tell you how long you have to do it for, so it will seem endless…
Yes, it depends on the circumstances. I would intervene if they were putting themselves or others in immediate danger , otherwise I would inform parents
I would correct the parent if they are allowing the child misbehave but only if it was affecting me in some way.
Let’s look at the car scenario. A child is jumping on a car. The car is being damaged. I ask the child to get off. Child responds in the negative and keeps jumping. Not my car, nor the child’s family car. Who to ask for help? Should I phone Guards? Should I help the child off? If I touch the child, it’s assault. So, the child wins. S/he rules the world because adults have had the power to remedy such situations eroded away by do-gooders. Oh the joys of modern parenting.
I think the best possible outcome is if you tune into your inner child, the one that also misbehaved when young and got into trouble, then come from a place of understanding that children transgress all the time, you may be able to have a loving approach that will be more likely to make the child get off the car…
I have witnessed as much rude, aggressive and bad behaviour from adults to children who are not their own (most often for minor or non-existent misdemeanours) as I have witnessed bad behaviour from children. At least the children have an excuse because of their level of brain development!
I find that when adults treat youths especially with respect it often gets surprising and better results…
Yes especially if theyre on your house and i would have no problem with someone disciplining mine if they needed it.
Exactly right Ann.
They might fall off and hurt themselves or (worse) dent the car if they landed on it.
Climb up on anything the little urchins!
Interesting word ‘disciplining’. If a child was doing something dangerous in my house, I would not consider being mean to them or ‘disciplining’ them (they are a child; I am a mature adult!). I would lift them down cheerfully and tell they they can’t do that, firmly, but not in a mean or punishing kind of way – they’re kids!!! Perhaps a little distraction instead?
One should never attempt to correct someone else’s child. To do do is to invite abuse and possibly murder. Since in these times children are now Idols who must be constantly entertained and appeased, and parents compete to out do each other in devotion, anyone who sought to suppress children’s natural exuberance would be branded amonster.
Kids need to learn right from wrong even if it means telling them a hundred times. It will eventually sink in. However when kids are in a group and get excited they can easily forget and so need reminding. There are children whose parents don’t give a damn and don’t bother with discipline so those children would be harder to correct. My approach would be to use the collective and aim at all by saying “we don’t fight or hit etc” that way you are not coming across as intimidating. The child will know themself what they have done wrong.
Manners are important to me and I do insist on please and thank you even from my toddler and her friends. Will always discuss boundaries with my friends on play dates and agree what I can say. Positive parenting is vital to build self esteem but so is consistency of message!
Not the child perhaps, but most certainly the parent.
Good one martine. Hope you’re teaching Ireland’s parents a little about “personal responsibility”. That it’s not always someone else’s fault and that not disciplining kids adequately has led to the current blight of feral youths running wild around the country.
Funnily enough Peter, research shows that it is the more tough kind of parenting (and especially hitting) that leads to misbehaviour and also aggression in children. Positive committed parenting that focuses on the positive, where the parents have an awareness of what is actually developmentally normal behaviour for children – rather than the “good” “bad” “bold” simplistic notions – works well to create pro-social, co-operative behaviour that comes from the inside…
discipline does not necessarily equal tough or aggressive behaviour. it can be done firmly, kindly and fairly and still be discipline
I’d be more inclined to highlight the situation to the parents and let them deal with. I’d imagine it’d be quite intimidating for a child to be corrected by a stranger. Now, if the parents asked me to give their child a little warning about their behaviour I would happily oblige.
I agree with your summary.
Twinks child Chloe should have got a slap for her terrible voice
So many cultures around the world raise respectful and productive members of society because the whole community is involved in raising children, not just the parents. This includes family members, neighbours, teachers etc. Encouraging good behaviour and scolding bad (appropriately, with clarity & not excessively) with the community in mind from all members of the community raises awareness in kids that their actions can effect others. It really does seem to create generations who are considerate to all around them, for the most part. The idea that the only discipline should come from the parents leaves us with cheeky little fe€kers who’ve little or no respect.
Patitas how can you be so obnoxious !!! At what level of degree would you call someone educated ?
Certainly do not lay a finger on anyone else’s little shit! I’ve often had to call a half to anti social behaviour in children in public. They have stopped straight away as they are usually stunned to be told not to do something! If they stop but remain in the same spot, stare them out, they tend to move on lol Was shopping recently in a Tesco store when a boy around 8 or 9 scooted up an aisle on those foot thingies, can’t think of the name of them now, but I told him to get off it. He put one foot on the ground and looked at me shocked! I stared at him and told him to get the other foot off, fold it up and behave himself or I’d call security, he actually started a bottom lip wobble and did what I said and walked off slowly! Big ‘I’ll do what I like’ face was gone! Got a woeful dirty look off an adult walking up the aisle, must have been the parent ha ha! All laughs aside, who’d be responsible if he’d ran into an older person who fell and broke a hip??
Dear god, did you have to threaten an 8-year-old with the security guard for just being a child? Were you polite when you “told him” to get off it? Could you not have said nicely and respectfully to him that it might be dangerous for him to be doing that – children of that age just don’t think (were you ever a child yourself?). How would you feel if he came up to you and “told you” forcefully to stop doing something (eg blocking an aisle with your trolley or whatever)??? Or is it just because you are bigger that you are allowed to boss smaller people around?
Whatever happened to the old saying that it takes a village to raise a child?
In a decent community all adults should ensure children are behaving appropriately and in a way that contributes to the community and society. If more adults scolded badly behaved kids we wouldn’t have the vandalism and anti-social behaviour we see every day.
I would have no problem with someone shouting at my kids to get off a car or for whatever bold thing they were doing. Children are not angels they need to be taught right from wrong. In my opinion that falls to whoever witnesses it.
There is much rugged good sense in this clearly written article.
If my kids friends are over or their cousins are visiting and are misbehaving then I will correct them and on the flip side if my kids are misbehaving at someone else’s home then they should be corrected too.
Say a word out if turn to my child and I would take a personal interst in seeing you suffer badly as a result.
Your child will probably grow up to be a (unt. Just like you
My wife does it everday!
Had a great laugh reading all these comments. Would you really do some of the things you say – not likely. Court beckons. Look after our own – that is a full time job for me.
I agree if anybody is hurting somebody else or damaging property it is OK to intervene in a positive way. The praise for good behaviour thing with other people’s children I would not do – it seems a bit interfering, patronising and ‘behaviourist’… I particularly hate when people say to children that they are good – the good boy! good girl! thing… I thought that was supposed to be considered labelling – are you not meant (if you must as a stranger) to show appreciation and thanks for the things that people do, not label them as a person as ‘good’ or ‘bad’??? The whole praise / reward thing is, as I say, a behaviourist approach to controlling children’s behaviour – it develops dependence on praise and approval (extrinsic rewards) rather than encouraging a child to develop their own inner moral compass…
Here’s a good explainer: http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html
Sorry spelling wrong,
I still try and correct chrildrems grammer , but alas i have failed , they went to a lovely school and were though very well in a small village in Skeoughveen
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