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I HAD A conversation with my youngest daughter in the car this week about Christmas. She was saying how excited she was and going through her favourite parts; the decorations, baking cookies, watching movies with snacks, Elf on the Shelf and most importantly of all, the presents!
And listen, if I woke up each day to a clean and decorated house, ingredients for baking already prepped in a fridge stocked with Christmassy treats, presents bought and family days out arranged, I’m sure I would find the whole thing pretty magical too! But I don’t.
Like all other parents this time of year, I am responsible for the magic. And while she was listing off her favourite things, I was mentally adding all of these things to (yet another) checklist and trying to regulate my nervous system.
Then she asked me what my favourite part was, and not only do I not have one, I absolutely dread the next few weeks and can’t wait for it to be over. I look forward to the days after Christmas, when all of the things have been bought, cooked, baked, attended and given, and I can finally take a breath and relax. And isn’t that awful! It hit me like a brick to Marv’s face, that I am becoming The Grinch, and every other cranky adult from the movies I grew up watching, where they are too busy to enjoy anything.
This is not what I want, and yet, I am not alone in feeling this way, with research showing that people feel their health takes a nosedive for the season, and that it can be as stressful as major life events like changing jobs or moving house.
Every single year, I wake up on the 24th or 25th of December with a wretched cold that lingers into the New Year. My immune system takes an awful battering in the weeks leading up to the big day, there is so much racing around and endless jobs to be done.
I don’t look after myself, I don’t have time to, and the workload crushes me until I break.
So this year I’ve decided to beat the system and have planned to have everything finished and boxed off by mid-December, therefore freeing myself to relax and enjoy the coming weeks. This means I have had to go into turbo mode and try to fit an ungodly amount of tasks in on top of all of my normal duties. Which leaves me going 90 miles an hour, not enjoying anything because I am always thinking of the next chore, and making myself miserable.
I have been racing around from task to task, constantly on the move and not actually experiencing anything. If we have tried to sit down to watch a Christmas movie as a family, I have found myself scrolling through my phone at the same time, sourcing presents and checking delivery times. I have been scratching my head as I look at Advent calendars and wonder why they are offered as either €5 chocolate ones, or €290 beauty ones with nothing in between.
I am looking at Christmas Day outfits, and coordinating schedules to fit in Santa Visits, or trips to places we have already visited this year, but that now cost €90 for the four of us (I mean, how?) because they’ve added Christmas lights to some trees.
I have been wondering how we will attend the 87 school events that are all scheduled to happen at noon. And don’t even get me started on the 187 WhatsApp messages about said school events. I have been wondering if we need Christmas Eve pyjamas, Christmas Cards that will likely sit in a drawer until June, an ice-skating day out with hot chocolates that cost €9 each or a weekend break to a European City Christmas Market.
This has lead me into a heightened state of stress and when I’m in that state, while rushing around, trying to fit everything in, I do lose touch with reality. I will see other people’s days out on social media, and instantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel that my kids might not be able to enjoy Christmas without matching pyjamas, or hugely expensive gifts, or a Christmas Market. And that is madness. We don’t actually need any of this. And definitely not at a time when parents are already experiencing higher levels of stress and burnout than before as we try too hard to do too much.
But the problem is that I have to slow down before I can see sense, and if I slow down, I won’t get to everything on my list (which I am fairly certain is longer than Santa’s). I have made huge efforts this year to be ‘that organised mother’ so that I can eventually slow down and enjoy the simple moments in life.
I do understand why I’m putting myself under so much pressure. We finally bought a house back in February, after a tough few years, and I have been painstakingly trying to coax my nervous system out of ‘Fight or Flight’ ever since. It is a long process and mostly involves me trying to slow down, not do as much, and enjoy what we have, as we were years fighting for this. There were literal years when I dreamed about sitting around our own table for dinner, folding laundry on a peaceful afternoon, or even just raking the leaves in our very own garden!
Experiencing our first Christmas in our new house has felt entirely out of reach at times over the past few years, and now that it’s actually here, I don’t want to waste this time thinking about ‘more’ or ‘next’.
I don’t want to spend the season working through a never-ending to-do list. I don’t want to feel like I’m not doing enough, or that it isn’t magical enough. My kids don’t want me to be irritated and overwhelmed for the next month. They can’t relax and enjoy if I am a ball of stress. I hate that I keep defaulting back to turbo mode rather than rejecting everything that makes me feel less than enough. I am sick of not enjoying these important days.
My kids need me to be stable and calm. And it is our presence over the coming weeks that makes the season magical, not the presents. I want to enjoy Christmas without having to sacrifice my mental, physical or financial health for it.
So for the next few weeks, I am taking everything non-essential off the to-do list. And for the rest of it, maybe I will get to it, and maybe I won’t. If I do get to it, I’ll do the job slowly, mindfully, and gratefully. I won’t leave sense at home and get swept along by silly season. And finally, I am going to keep reminding myself that we have everything we need already and that trying to do it all makes me (and everyone around me) miserable.
Margaret Lynch is a mother of two in Kildare.
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Is there any part of parenting the author actually likes?
When you have kids Christmas is largely for them; it’s not like Christmas is unforeseen. Bleedin Brown Thomas have their Christmas shop in August.
@Deirdre Moffat: Well said, I don’t mean to insult the author and never comment on her articles that are open but she’s doing fine if she’d just chill. She’d have her Christmas cakes cooked in the time it took to write the article.
@ecrowley ecrowley: typical product of new “mum”. may be she think she is trapped there. next phase the divorce because she does not need a husband either unless he stays at home to look after the kid ?
I get your valid point there Margaret, we’re throwing a ‘biggie’ this year…..5 adult children & their spouses/ partners… & our lifelong friends…. be 14 in residence/ at the table…… even with no ‘smallies’ it’s an epic workload….. I said to Mrs Mc Carthy at weekend next year we’ll bail out / abroad- without hesitation she agreed/so tis lanzarote next too Christmass . All you can do is your best/ try & enjoy it
@I’m a robot Robot: are you Margaret ? Are you Frank even ?
Journal just outed itself.
@offside again: haha, we’re ALL ‘brenny’, lol
@Frank Mc Carthy: clown
@offside again: as you normally post from France ‘ Yawn’, lol
@Frank Mc Carthy: touché
@I’m a robot Robot: who he ?
@I’m a robot Robot: Ronnie Pickering!
@Frank Mc Carthy: no grandkids for Mr and Mrs McCarthy?
@Ger Whelan: Not yet Ger, haven’t been blessed with that ‘news’ yet
Jaysis, talk about first world problems! The season is as stressful as you decide to make it! End of.
@Barry Murphy: well said. Take it day by day, enjoy the food, the songs and the films.
@Barry Murphy: I’m guessing from your name your a man and dare I say in these enlightened times that Christmas is more stressful for the mammies as we do most of the organising and the men just show up.
@Clare Power: sexist claptrap as usual brenny…..you’ve heard of” equality ” right?? More Aontu bs
@Kevvy kerrr: wots wrong frank, annoyed cause u got your ass handed to ya in the other articles….dear me
@I’m a robot Robot: no thanks, I’ll pass, I don’t know where you’ve been…
@Clare Power: I am indeed, Clare. “As we do most of the organising and the men just show up”…wow, how 1970′s of you! For our young family at Christmas, it’s very much a joint effort between me and my wife, thanks! My point is Christmas for some is about commercialism, keeping up appearances with social media and this falsified idea of a “Merry” Christmas. For others, it’s about keeping things simple, thankful for what you have and those you are lucky enough to have around to share it with. Not stressing about things for the sake of stressing. You have a choice, as does the author, regardless of sex!
@Barry Murphy: Fair play, a few men I know do very little in the way of helping out…..
Mad stuff. I feel for this girl. Modern life is insane. A good convivial feed is the thing.
Bit of a Scrooge?
Any mammies want to comment?
I get presents all year round – throw em in the presents press. Some years you’ll get a good one, other years you’ll get socks. Decorate in slow motion from mid November. Tesco delivering all the food & drinks on 22nd and anyone coming from a different house has been allocated what to bring. Kids stuff ordered online and no one gets a smiths catalogue to look at – not falling into that trap. Been to a Christmas Market, off to see Santa tomorrow, crib is up.. might remember to put Mary and Joseph in at some point… it’s all something to do on the dark evenings!
@Lorry R: Every January I say I’ll buy the presents early but it never happens, ..ordering online definitely lessons the stress.
It needs to be made more secular, or at least go back to its pagan origins.
@Jacintha Dumbrell: More secular? Is there anything religious about it left? Hardly. Thankfully.
@Jacintha Dumbrell: while you have a Christian flag in your profile …
Hey Margaret I hope you’re well x
Personally, I don’t have children but I always read and enjoy your writing.
Don’t mind the negative comments on your articles… some people on this forum just look for attention.
Take care of yourself and your Family and hopefully you All enjoy yourselves this month x
@Donna Fallon: She kinda needs to lighten up a bit though!! Its exhausting!!
Sort the kids their santa presents/wish lists (if you can) get some dinner for christmas day & a few goodies. Thats it. Anything else on top of that is gravy! Relax
Dear Margaret,
Merry Christmas to you and the kids and a happy New year.
I’ll be in Thailand so not gonna worry about any of that hysteria mentioned, will go for a nice Christmas dinner enjoy the sunshine, cheap drinks and cheap fun. Seems about a million times better than being back in that frozen hellole that is Ireland.
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