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OF ALL THE problems that present in the counselling rooms at Relationships Ireland the issue of infidelity/affairs is probably the most difficult. The intensity of the emotions felt by the betrayed person can be almost overwhelming for everyone in the room.
The betrayal may be of a short duration or could have lasted many years. Over the last 20 years I have had less than five clients present with their partner who revealed, voluntarily, that they have been unfaithful. Interestingly, those few clients were all women. I have never had a male client voluntarily admit to an affair. All the male clients have been ‘found out’. When asked: ‘If she hadn’t found out would you have revealed that you have been unfaithful?’ They all answer ‘No’!
Most females will say that they cannot believe they are in the room wanting to save the relationship as they always said that if this happened to them they would leave. When asked: ‘why don’t you leave’? they answer, ‘because I still love him’. What has been destroyed is the unconditional trust that once existed between this couple. Some level of trust still exists, but that special, intimate loving trust they once enjoyed has been shattered.
The incidence of affairs and various types of infidelity is on the increase. Depending on which research you wish to believe betrayal of all kinds range from 40-70 per cent in committed relationships. Can we forgive and forget? That depends on the individual circumstances of the couple. In general the longer the betrayal the more difficult it is to forgive. We will never completely forget.
All relationships go through very tough and challenging times. We all get sexually frustrated. None of us get our needs met all the time. We are fooled into believing that Shangri-La exists in the arms of a new (sometimes illicit) relationship. This new person offers us undivided attention, lots of sex, and removes us from the mundane responsibilities of household duties and children. But, like the emperor’s new clothes, it is all an illusion.
So why does someone stay after being betrayed, ridiculed and humiliated? This is where a lot of people who have not experienced this problem will say ‘I would walk out straight away’. When we find ourselves in this position of being betrayed, and are faced with the complexity of the betrayal (it is always complex by the way), our decisions are not quite so cut-and-dried.
Many couples will have been together for many years and will have invested a lot financially and emotionally in the relationship. They will also be desperately worried about the effect breaking up would have on the children. So, not only do we need to look at the past we need to look at the present and the future.
At Relationships Ireland we will see a good number of couples who would have been together for many years when the infidelity comes to light. They may have grandchildren. If the betrayal has been ongoing for many years the other party may feel their marriage has been a waste and a lie. Premeditated and systematic betrayal and humiliation of one’s partner is obscene, and I use that word advisedly. If the other person didn’t know she/he was being betrayed, it doesn’t make it ok.
The older couple may stay together but agree to live separate lives under one roof – to save face. There may also be health and financial issues that prevent them breaking up and starting again. What is most distressing is that the betrayed person realises that their marriage has been a sham.
When a couple or even one party comes along to us they carry with them their personal and couple history. They will review their life that they believed, overall, was going well. The obscene part in all this is that this person when looking back at photographs or family videos is looking at a lie. When the betrayer is smiling and playing ‘happy families’, he/she is actually wishing they were somewhere else and with someone else. The betrayer has a secret life. He/she is a liar and usually a good one because premeditated and repeated infidelity and betrayal requires planning in a most ruthless, cold and calculating way.
The definition of betrayal has expanded over the years. Nowadays with so many opportunities to ‘play away’, via the internet or in person, fidelity/monogamy is becoming something of a rarity. Hence the popularity of some commentators, be they psychiatrists, psychologists, politicians, philosophers or social scientists in re-examining whether to demand fidelity for 50+ years is achievable.
We may hold to the desire to find true and genuine love but can we expect that love to survive with all the challenges facing us now and in the future? We live in an increasingly disposable world. Like it or not we are changing in how we think of our relationships. Relationships are becoming ‘disposable’.
When a relationship ends our friends and family, with the best of intentions, encourage us to ‘move on’. In other words ‘get over it’ and get someone else. But if we have been betrayed in the most grievous way the path to forgiveness, and then trusting someone else can be a long and tortuous one.
Tony Moore is a counsellor for Relationships Ireland. Relationships Ireland provides affordable confidential counselling and support services that offer you the opportunity to understand and resolve difficulties in your relationship. For more information or to book a consultation you can contact 1890 380 380 or emailinfo@relationshipsireland.com.
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I think the article is very well written. People don’t really know what they would do until they are in that situation.
Exactly
Hate cheats with a passion. There’s two at it in the office and they don’t seem to give two fecks. One is married with kids and the other has been with her boyfriend for six years.
Do you hate cheats more than politicians who lie? Totally ridiculous.
Brilliant !
Even managing to bring politics and politicians into an article on infidelity.
Genius !
Surely to jaysus we can have one -JUST ONE – article without someone bringing politics into it ?
Say what?!
I blame Shatter and the plot of that tacky novel he penned before cashing in on the inevitable demise of unworkable monogomy, post Cat-O-lick doctrinal bondage!!….Now where did I leave my cacks and car keys!?!
A load of judgemental rubbish. Yes, people shouldn’t lie to each other but people make mistakes. This article implies that people who cheat are evil or something, ridiculous.
Totally agree. I wouldn’t be too quick to hire Tony’s services. Marriages require healing but he seems to concentrate on blame and judgement.
So people who cheat are fine upstanding moral characters? I think it you who is being ridiculous. Just a little mistake, every week – eh?
Yea I just tripped over, our cloths fell off and somehow we managed to land under the sheets.
I guess he’s witnessed the damage infidelity can do to relationships.
In fairness, under the sheets doesn’t sound very exciting.. If I was gonna take the risk, I think I’d be lookin for some over-sheet action..
Terrible article
Interesting fact. In 66% of marriages/ relationships where the man cheats, the relationships continues. Yet in 66% of marriages/ relationships where the woman cheats, the marriage fails. And the reason for this is due to the differing psychologies of both men and women. In the majority of cases where the man cheats, it is all about having a booty call, not an actual relationship. When the woman cheats, it is far more complex, in the majority of cases, it is in fact all about a relationship, the intimacy of loving someone who cares and needs you as much you need them. In that sense, the woman and the person she is cheating with will go on dates, nights out, and holidays, far more than a cheating man will. It is a relationship, in every meaning of the word, and it also means that the marriage with her husband has failed, sadly.
Sadly, when it comes to second and third marriages, the success rate, for both genders, is pretty poor. In second marriages, 47% of them will fail, and the failure rate gradually increases again for subsequent marriages. Add in children from the previous marriage, and the failure rate increases again.
I don’t have the stats for homosexual relationships. So I do not know the percentages of success or failures in those relationships, so if one feels that I am biased towards heterosexual relationships, I apologise. It is not intentional, it’s just down to not having the statistics.
Do you have a link to the research? Thanks.
Check out PubMed and you should come across some good studies.
Sean C so are you 66% more likely to cheat as a man or is that within the sub-group of cheatin’ lying men?
There’s always this nugget of wisdom from days of yore
Well, ladies, you can all take warning
From this time now and on
Never speak harsh words to your true loving husband
He might leave you and never come home
I think it is just the fact that the male ego will not accept that he has been cheated on, whereas women (not entirely to their credit) are more likely to hang on to what they have. This if course is an illusion as once the relationship is broken it cannot be mended, however much the parties might wish it could.
@ Peace for All
…Swing and a miss there buddy.
You instantly grabbed on to the statistics for men, but ignored the statistics for women. All of these stats are within the subset of cheating men and women. According to statistics, men and women are EQUALLY likely to cheat on their partner. There is no ‘Men more likely to cheat’ statistic. The genders have reached equality there.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/women-cheating-men-study/story?id=13885519
@Lucinda Dalton
The statistics I quoted were presented by Rabbi Shmueley Boteach on the Late Late, a few years ago. He writes numerous articles about marriage, so it will not be that hard to find them. I’m sorry, but I don’t have them to hand myself. Sorry.
Good Stuff Sean C!
Nice to see the clarification, you also have to consider that it would be fairly logical to assume that for every cheating man and woman in a heterocheating arrangement that their mutual partner may also be prone to cheating. Like attracts like etc.
As that famous Johnny Taylor Stax number went…
“Who’s making love to your old lady
While you were out making love ”
Now if we only had the stats on homosexual relationship cheating we’d be able to get a fuller picture on human nature to go along with the usual focus which is the problems that only occur between men and women in heterosexual relationships.
Sexual frustration is a massive problem in relationships – as Tony points out. This avenue should be explored more.
I’m also sick to the back teeth of ‘women scorned’ cliches in media, TV, radio and film in particular. One would be forgiven for thinking that only men were unfaithful judging on the crap peddled out in tv land and media. Of course this is nonsense as many a married/cohabiting emale friend of mine over the years had a fling – whether it be on a girl’s weekend away, or sun holiday. I was sitting there watching my friend’s flirting and thinking about their husband’s back home minding the kids. Finally, at 6.30am the following morning they’d arrive back to the hotel. It’s quite sickening what goes on these days – and the women are just as bad as the men ever were.
Lucinda I think your sexually frustrated
Go back to your internet fantasies Hiddiho.
Some people do makes mistakes and some people are just pure slapperz
My girlfriend does not allow me go on holiday on my own with the lads!
The other night in the pub, I was talking to another girl, when she went into the ladies, and later that night I had to sleep in the spare room!
I wonder what Tony would think of that?
Don’t think it’s tony u need I think it’s Jeremy Kyle
You might also consider changing your name
It’s a nickname I have all my life, since school. It has had no effect on my love life whatsoever
Are u sure its had no effect ?? See ur own original comment about sleeping in spare room if ur name was gigantic willy I don’t think we would be having this conversation .
harsh
I sleep in the spare room if I even look at another girl! It has nothing to do with my small willy!
But true
It seems clear to me. Your missus has serious self esteem issues.
She shouldn’t be taking it out on you though.
Unless you’ve been an ass and she has reason not to trust you.
Niamh. U nailed it!
Why do you stay with such an insecure control freak. Do yourself a favour and get rid.
Well, he’d probably urge you to get counselling (funny that.) But everyone has their own boundaries as to what they are or aren’t comfortable with and so if you think she has unrealistic expectations and trust issues, it’s probably worth having a discussion with her about it.
Is this yet another free ad for Tony Moore, relationship councellor. Pathetic!
Well said Sean C. It’s not stereotyping when the stats support the facts. Women do cheat but it seems serial female cheats tend to cheat to escape failed marriages. That doesn’t make it right but they will usually eventually leave their primary relationship. Serial male cheaters will keep at it until and after they are caught. They use the affair to support their ego and prop up the marriage. As the article says, liars and good liars. Ruthless, cold and calculating. But really, really good liars in my experience.
Sounds like a fundamental feminist concept.
Human nature arguments may explain a one night stand however engaging in a full blown affair for extended periods of time can hardly be supported by human nature claims, you’re essentially creating a second parallel relationship in a lot of cases.
Regarding the media, on one hand it condemns cheating (mainly regarding men) however recently I feel TV shows almost promote infidelity, certain dramas feature casual cheating between “likable” characters with no repercussions or even the hint of guilt on either characters part. Obviously I like TV shows and the like to have a variety of storylines but recently I feel like cheating on TV some shows almost encourage people (particularly middle aged women) to cheat.
I’ve never been in either position, cheater or been cheated on so I don’t know what I’d do but I think each case is certainly different and various factors apply to how people should resolve cheating.
You’d think humans were designed to have one mate, for life? It’s heart breaking, to have someone cheat on you? But it’s in our DNA, we are animals and it’s Nature!
Animals can’t control themselves, humans can. We aren’t apes or dogs, though God knows some people behave that way!
Im all animal baby. After my good looks, its half the appeal.
An Arrogant Human, thinking they are more superior or intelligent than the rest. It’ll be too late, before we realise this!
We are apes Kitty.
Sings…..Lets do it like they do it on the discovery channel….
4 red thumbs?
Do people honestly not understand that humans, bongos, gorilla and pan are all extremely closely related cousins and all Great Apes?
Seems to me like monogamny isnt compatible with human sexuality if 70% of couples dont stay faithful. We, as a society, need to embrace open relationships, or swinging.
Cheats I could write a book! Me first babies daddy had two of us preggers at the same I hadn’t a clue till I met her in the Coombe! Then baby 2 and 3 the daddies where the same cheaters! seriously put me right off men! Use them and lose them thats my motto these days!
U insatiable jizabelle! How is ur belly fixed for lodger no.4 ;-?
No more babas for me!! I made sure of that on the last one!! While they were in there an all! Best thing I ever done.
No point gettin oulder if your not gettin cooter!! There are other ways 2 avoid gettin the boat! ;~}
Take the red pill.
Is this gentleman being charged for these advertisements, or are you publishing him ad a public service? :-D
I don’t know a man that has not cheated on his rife or girlfriend. Sorry I know 2 actually. I think men cheat for different reasons than suggested. I think men who are generally reared by women and conditioned for life by their mothers ie women – still carry on to rear them the same way. This results in more unfaithful men. It’s all the women’s fault.
Hi…. Just a few words about My husband who has left me and our kids for about 2years now without communications, He said he no longer loves or have interest in our marriage, What hurt me most is that he is cheating on me with a woman whom once stay in our neighborhood. I could bear this pain alone and it almost pushed me to file for a divorce, but I couldn’t because i love my husband too much to let him go just like that. 2weeks ago at my place of work i over head a friend saying that her fiancee is now ready for marriage with her after their breakup for over 8months, and it was possible through a spell lady priestessifaa@yahoo.com who did it all even when she almost gave up but this spell woman she met online did it all and now she has her man back ready for marriage.
That was how i overheard her talking to another friend of mine and i chip in with my pain and she encourage me to meet this spell lady priestessifaa@yahoo.com that she is capable of such things with her spell powers. But i was ready to do anything just to have my husband back, and later that night i emailed this spell lady and hours later she responded with warm greetings and confident. This gave me the courage to push my problems out to her and what scares me most was that she told me in just 48hours and at exactly this time i received a call from my husband asking after everyone and even the guard, this sounds so unusually because for years he has not even cared about me not even the kids and guards. The spell lady made me understand that the other lady has spiritual influence on my husband that’s why tings went that way and i believed her because my husband changed at once.
The most important thing now is that i have my husband back home and we are strong and happy family as we used to be. All appreciation goes to the spell lady… meet her for help if you are having family issues as well…
I don’t know a man that has not cheated on his rife or girlfriend. Sorry I know 2 actually. I think men cheat for different reasons than suggested. I think men who are generally reared by women and conditioned for life by their mothers ie women – still carry on to rear them the same way. This results in more unfaithful men. It’s all the women’s fault
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