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NOW THAT THE referendum is over and the dust is beginning to settle, we need to strongly consider a period of healing for everyone who has been involved.
We have argued fiercely with family members, spouses and friends on street corners, at work lunches and in sitting rooms throughout the land. At the end of this long and divisive campaign, we can all surely agree on one thing: it has been emotionally draining.
Emotionally provocative
During the referendum, each conversation I listened to appeared to require a strong tone of certainty to it with people being almost terrified to let up even an ounce of vulnerability.
Each conversation brought up similar emotionally provocative content: graphic accounts of miscarriage, rape and plane journeys and car journeys back from Liverpool with tiny coffins in the back seat.
While I listened, I couldn’t help but notice that perhaps there was a background fear towards admitting how much these topics affected us. Perhaps we felt that if we showed any sort of vulnerability or uncertainty, it would count as another point to be exploited by the other side. We were scared to look weak so we took it emotionally on the chin.
This of course, could only put pressure on our mental health.
Aftercare
For me, this “stiff upper lip” approach was on display during the Claire Byrne live debate.
An odd feeling came over me as I watched it with my mother. The feeling was one of isolation even though I knew how I would vote. After some reflection, the realisation dawned on me that the show completely forgot about aftercare services.
On most televised debates or news reports that handle sensitive topics, a viewer should expect to see Samaritans, Pieta house and Dublin rape crisis hotlines depending on the content. Why did we omit this in the referendum? Was this a sign that we collectively choose to suffer in silence? Despite voting myself with conviction, it was starting to get tough to see the pain on every persons face.
And online too, this attitude was prevalent in the Facebook comments sections. Conversation threads that started with good rational points quickly descended into ridicule, misandry, misogyny and a whole other range of derision and name calling. After the thread ended, no insight was gained with both parties walking away feeling awful.
But again, we couldn’t let up on this. We felt we had to appear tough, to not give the other side an inch.
Shift towards healing
Now that we have our result, we need to learn from how we treated each other during the referendum and from how we handled our own mental health. The focus needs to shift towards healing on a national level.
We now have had time to reflect on the nasty tone the conversation sometimes took. To address the difficult and stirred emotions we were afraid to admit affected us during these tough conversations. Perhaps we could erect billboards that provide those sorely needed helpline numbers.
It’s time to heal our relationships too. The people who you argued with are still the same people you liked and loved before you knew their stance on this issue. These are our countrymen and countrywomen. Our work colleagues. Our friends. Our mothers and fathers.
Whatever way we voted, we are all human beings and deserve respect.
It’s time to heal
On a personal level, I have been attending yoga and performing guided body scan meditations before sleep. Planning something exciting in the future always refocuses my mind towards something positive.
I have even considered going for long hike in the hills for a few days. Maybe when I come back from that walk and have healed my own wounds, I will once again see everyone from both sides as fellow patriots and not combatants. To be kind and compassionate, especially for those I may not agree with.
It’s time to heal.
Philip Kirwan works as an IT Engineer and also helps promote mindfulness in the workplace.
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I actually think it brought us closer as a nation, It was a very emotionally charged referendum, the people who shared their own tragic experience made it a landslide victory. I cried numerous times reading stories that they shared. This is what we came together to vote to change, we identified with them and Voted yes to ensure it doesn’t happen to another woman in this country. We voted for choice not to abort healthy babies who are not conceived in tragic circumstances, the No campaign should try and get positive and assist and support women who are scared and pregnant in difficult circumstances.
@Aimee Nagle: your view of pro-life campaigners is part of the problem here. It’s important to try to see that both sides of the debate acted out of compassion for women. Every pro-lifer I know has also worked at various times to advocate for one or more of: crisis pregnancy counselling, peri-natal hospice care, post-abortion counselling, adoption reform, improvement in single parent supports, improvements in pre-school childcare supports, housing & homelessness support, holistic sex education, family friendly tax & work environments etc etc etc. I’d like to assume that pro-repeal campaigners do likewise. Can we take off the blinkers and start working together … …
@Pharmy: most of the pro life canvassers I met were pushy and obnoxious. Most people have agreed on one thing, the referendum was passed by a landslide partially because of the pro life posters and tactics. I know people who voted no who said they wanted to disassociate themselves from the disgusting campaign love both ran. They tried to bully a nation and it blew up in their faces spectacularly.
@Pharmy: none of this resonates with any experience I had with any pro life campaigner. There seems to be an innate hatred in the minds of many of the no campaigners that to me is quite disturbing. They lack empathy. Sometimes it seemed more to do with hating the pregnant women than loving the foetus.
@Dell: and many pro-lifers experienced bullying and aggression whenever they dared raise their head above the parapet in reasoned argument … this page being a case in point. This has been an emotive campaign; can we be grown up and move past that in order to improve how people in general, and pregnant women in particular, are looked after in the future …
@Pharmy: we have no problem with doing that but have a look at some of the no people’s comments on anything to do with this since the results, if anything they have gotten worse and vitriol we saw glimpses of in the run up is now full force, they have nothing to lose and the word murderer is being bandied about like it was going out of fashion. I agree with 2thfairy, with a lot of these people it seems to be more to do with a hatred and judgment of women than anything else. It’s all good and well telling everyone they need to move on, the no side simply are not willing to.
@Pharmy: the people I came across that pointed to my newborn baby and asked if I’d murder him most certainly didn’t love women! The same for the men who shouted c***s at us as we were campaigning. I think most of the anti-choice voters had their hearts in the right places, but the campaign was a disgrace.
@2thFairy: oh come on ! I saw awful insult slinging by both sides ! This is why there is such a divide because of attitudes like yours. It won’t change either when people are still insulting each other ! It was an emotional referendum and people got carried away with their emotions. I’m so sick of seeing ‘the No side were awful’ and ‘the yes side were terrible’. It’s done now and we could all take a leaf out of this writers book. It wasn’t an easy ride for anyone who was passionate about the campaigns.
@Dell: neither are you, move on, it’s done, over. Let’s build that better place that the majority voted for.
@Aimee Nagle: you make it sound like pro-life people are horrible and uncaring. I know a few people who voted no who are the kindest most caring people you will ever meet, who wouldn’t even think of judging someone in a crisis situation but for various reasons personal to them they just couldn’t bring themselves to vote yes. Some people on both sides really need to take a long hard look at themselves. Considering the yes side were all about compassion some people people campaigning had a serious lack of it.
I voted yes but purposely didn’t engage with anyone campaigning because of how nasty some people were getting.
@Dell: again I could point the finger right back at the pro-repealers, but I choose not to. It has been emotional & some venting is inevitable on both sides. Perhaps a little more time is needed to heal up and gain perspective. You seem like a decent person, I’d love to sit over a beer and tease it all out with you. I hope we can all do that soon.
@Lauren Masterson: look at Steve’s comments over the last few days on this site and look at the comments by many other no side people. They are after getting worse if anything. They have nothing to lose and they have gone full evangelical preacher on everything to do with this. I’m hoping they will stop eventually but I doubt it, they will name call and harass pregnant women who seek abortions and will continue as they have started. Do you envisage yes voters harassing pregnant women about choices they make? However its no stretch of the imagination to imagine pro lifers harassing them. That is the difference.
@Pharmy: oh I agree that it’s raw and people’s emotions are high, but if you are under the illusion that these people will leave pregnant women in peace to make decisions that have nothing to do with them, you are really nieve. Do you think pro lifers are going to be different in this country than any other? Do you think they won’t try to harass women seeking abortions? I really hope they don’t but from what I’ve seen, I think they most certainly will.
@Dell: stop lumping every no voter with a few extremists, believe me, they exist on both sides. They will still be here in the future, on both sides. If you can’t see that maybe YOU are one of them????
@Pharmy: I didn’t say anything about pro-life supporters!! Those people you describe sound amazing and their work is invaluable to our society.
What I said was that a positive thing to do would be if the Campaign itself choose a positive route and choose to direct all that love and energy into helping and supporting people in a crisis situation without judgement.
@Tony Harris: Tony, answer me honestly, do you envisage yes campaigners harassing pregnant women who chose to either have an abortion or not? Now, do you envisage no campaigners doing it? You can lump me wherever you want, I really couldn’t care less. I am not calling anyone murderers or defriending no voters left right and centre. I’m simply pointing out what most of you seem to be ignoring.
@Tony Harris: I worked really hard and took quite a bit of abuse at door steps and on the streets, never once did I engage or counteract with people who shouted in my face or told me they wished I had been aborted or hoped I’d die soon. None of the people I canvassed with did either. I am relieved and delighted for all women that this passed but having seen the aggression and nastiness that I did week after week, I’m skeptical that these people will go down quietly. If you have a problem with me voicing that opinion well there is little I can do about that.
@Dell: I don’t have an opinion about anyone voicing their opinions, unlike some. And I am not a no voter as you appear to think. They yes side were quite quick to lump anyone with a different opinion into the religious freak/woman hater category. I didn’t vote – simply because I honestly could not aide either way. I saw right and wrong with both decisions, so, I left it! I would most definitely have voted yes if the 12 week unrestricted was not included but I see reasons why it was also. Now I get lunatics slagging me off for not voting. So, abuse for voting no, abuse for voting yes, abuse for not voting. It appears to me some people just want to throw stones and will find any reason to do that. Why not just stop throwing stones and get on with it? There will always be opposing views..
@Tony Harris: I didn’t assume you were a yes or no voter quite frankly I couldn’t care what you voted. You voted or didn’t vote whichever way you saw fit and rightly so. However you did not answer my question. Do you envisage yes campaigners harassing pregnant women or no campaigners? I don’t care how these people behaved in the past, I do care about them carrying that behavior forward and directing it specifically at vulnerable women.
@Pharmy: Pointing out to people that what they are saying is lies is not bullying… That’s the only thing I witnessed on here. Also I didn’t read too many stories of No voters being spit on by campaigners or shouted at for having a different opinion. To even suggest both sides where as bad as each other is laughable.
@Dell: there are probably people who will! There will always be extremists, nut jobs. But that does not allow you to put every no voter into that bracket, everyone who holds a different view to you is not a bad person living in the past! There are extremists in both camps on this one. I won’t bore you with the abuse I received for being undecided, from BOTH sides.
@Tony Harris: where did I put all no voters in that bracket? I said most of the pro life canvassers that I met were pushy. I was directly speaking of my own experiences of the canvassers. I went on to say that people I know who voted no did not want to be associated with that campaign. I do know people who voted no and they will continue to be my friends. So if you could stop trying to put words in my mouth I’d be grateful. I’d also be grateful if you would give a little more acknowledgement to the fact that the extremists on the no side will be the ones harassing women not anyone from the yes. With all due respect I don’t think any abuse you or I received could compare to what those people will dish out at those women.
@Dell: and I hope no one gets harassed or bullied or threatened. We agree. The point I suppose I am trying to make, however badly, is continuing to lambast the extremists makes you sound, IMO, like an extremist! It’s over, looking forward to the next chapter. The majority said we are in a better place today then we were last week. Bad things happen to good people, always will, but why not look forward. Narky people were nasty to you, but you were big enough to put yourself in their line of fire, be proud of that, but u ain’t getting a medal. You might not want one but u sure as hell go on as if u deserve one for putting up with all those monsters…
@Tony Harris: and you come across as a condescending controlling type who can’t cope with people expressing their opinion or experiences without trying to smooth it over or shove it under a rug. I’m almost sure you are not but you come across that way. I am looking forward to a brighter future for irish women but I’m more than aware of what faces some of them from the very people I was talking about and though you may not like to hear about that, it is very much something that needs to be discussed, addressed and worked on. But you can keep your blinkers on there and act like this is a done deal and no one needs to deal with this icky business again. And I’ll go about doing things my way if that’s OK with you.
@Pharmy:
A lot of really good organisations came out as supporting a Yes vote, and because of this I’m genuinely worried otherwise well meaning anti-abortion No voters will refuse to support those organisation’s and divide their support.
We’ve seen it before where anti-abortion groups set up their own “crisis pregnancy clinics” where they lie to women, pretend to offer abortion referral only to give medical misinformation and emotionally blackmail women into not going through with a termination.
The Rape Crisis center was supporting a Yes vote, they need already have the organisation, they need funding.
The Irish Family planning association offers counseling, post abortion care, and sex education, they also supported a Yes Vote.
Well Woman clinics supported a Yes vote, they provide free crisis pregnancy counseling and abortion aftercare.
From the way the referendum went on, you’d think there was nothing for women in this country, but we already have services, they are just really lacking support and funding. Funding we can send their way now we’re no longer buying a million posters.
@Claire: I agree that there is actually a lot of (underfunded) help out there for women that needs to be encouraged. However, the casual assertion by many posters, yourself included, that all pro-lifers lie and deceive, while all pro-repeal groups tell the whole truth is disturbing; it’s also factually incorrect. We’ll never get shot of the head-bangers or build a better future if sensible people on both sides can’t get beyond this.
A narional poster removal day might bring us all together!
I would happlily apply myself to taking down YES and NO alike without prejudice or rancor.
Reading posts on the various No side pages on social media, they’re still at it. The abuse that anyone who questions their rants get is vile.
I never realised that there is so much vitriolic hatred towards women, such a huge desire to control women’s lives. Men who support these groups are the worse offenders. That said there seems to be a lot of women also.
It all seems to derive from Catholic dogma. No matter how much they try and deny it, it always finds a way to the surface in their comments.
@Dave Doyle: And the same from the yes side, calling for any elected person that advocated for no to be voted out of office etc. BOTH sides are at it still.
This entire campaign has brought out an extremely ugly side of Irish society, a side where if you don’t agree with someone then you’re automatically a bad person and deserving of public ridicule. I had a very personal conversation with someone over the weekend where we exchanged our views on the whole topic and one of the things that we kept coming back to was how poorly each side treated the other.
Ireland is changing, some will think for the better whilst some will think for the worse, but at the end of the day we all still need to live in this country, so how about we stop all the small minded name calling and actually move forward as a society.
@Mark Railton: There is a willingness from the Yes side to move on and build on what was achieved.
That is far from obvious when reading what’s coming from the No side.
Priests telling congregations attending mass that if they voted yes, they have no business recieving holy communion.
Have a look at theLiberal.ie page and see the comments under that story.
@Dave Doyle: In fairness The Lieberal is run by Cora Sherlock’s brother Leo and that’s expected to be a cesspit of dishonesty
@Dave Doyle: Again, looking at things with an attitude of the Yes side being right and the No side being monsters.
I can guarantee that not all churches / preachers have the same views as those priests who are denying people Holy Communion as it certainly didn’t happen in the church I attend. And whilst we’re on the subject, it should not be up to a priest to decide if someone should partake in Holy Communion or not, that’s between that person and God, but then again, that’s one of the many fundamental differences between a non-denominational church and the Roman Catholic church.
Elements of both sides were horrific towards others in the campaign, elements of both sides are still sniping at others. Let’s learn from what happened over the campaign and move forward as a society.
@Dave Doyle: you want to move on and yet you continue to belittle pro-lifers. I think Secular Pro-life, Pro-life Feminists, LGBT for Life etc would disagree with your pigeon holing them into a Catholic box. For most pro-lifers this was a human rights issue; they see the foetus as fully human while pro-repeaters do not. The difficult question of what to do when the inalienable rights of two humans collide is becoming the ethical issue if our time.
@Dave Doyle: a willingness from the Ted side to move on, but not a willingness from you! Let it go
@Mark Railton: “calling for any elected person that advocated for no to be voted out of office etc.”
No, Calling for people to acknowledge the TD’s who tried to stop us having a vote.. The ones that voted no are fine.. As long as they didn’t try stopping the referendum.
@Dave Doyle: automatically assuming that people who voted no are in some way linked to the Catholic Church is exactly the problem. I voted no because I don’t believe our current government is capable of delivering the services this legislation will need, not because 2018 years ago Jesus apparently died for my sins.
It was a sickening display from both sides.
It’s a typical FG distraction tactic.
If they are fighting among themselves they will forget about the Cervical smear, homeless, hospital waiting lists fiasco’s.
@Trevor Hayden: Really ? I know for a fact The Yes side were respectful and considerate, where as The No side …..
You’ve just proved my point.
FG’s divide and conquer tactic.
The referendum brought out a venom on both sides.
@: Oh really? So I must have imagined the abuse that was hurled at me from members of the yes side in wicklow town, purely because I didn’t engage with them?
Oh get a name and stop being such a moaner. What are you afraid of?
Someone parked outside a hospital with a baby seat in the back had their tyres slashed for having no sticker on their car, that’s far from respectful. Just admit that some people on both sides took it too far.
@Sam Harms: Well said Sam.
I ran both pro and anti sides from my front door.
Opened the door and told both I’d made up my mind and did not require a lecture from either.
@Mark Railton: lol I seriously think that’s a lie somehow
@Trevor Hayden: sure you did
@: And this is where everyone sees you for what you are, nothing more than a pathetic troll hiding behind an anonymous account.
@Trevor Hayden: Can you give an example of the “venom” from the yes side?? I have asked this question a lot in the past weeks but never got an answer.
@Rob Cahill: What sickened me about the Yes campaign was leo Varadker, threatening women with 10-14 year jail terms for taking the abortion pill.
An absolute disgraceful abuse of power by a so called leader.
@Trevor Hayden: so he pointed out the law?
@Dell: It was a direct threat.
I’m sure many women took these pills before this referendum, so why bring up the legislation now?
I would not criticise either pro or anti on this vote due to it being a very personal choice.
But Leo was trying to intimidate people with that statement.
Removed every Facebook friend who had a repeal on their Facebook profile and liked that evil in her shoes page. Won’t be readding them and to be blunt don’t want to have anything to do with them ever again
@Steve1234: You have just proved what i said in my comment.
@Steve1234: your friends list must be around 66% less so….
@Alan Madden: 74.3 if living in Wicklow
@Steve1234: im sure they are delighted to be rid of you. have u nothing better to do than spew your bile all over the journal. Go get a job you have too much time on your hands
@Steve1234: it’s entirely possible that there are people you know who were pro repeal, but did neither of those things.
I personally didn’t get involved in anything referendum related on Facebook, other than reading a few posts, and commenting on about three posts from friends regarding posters, and dislike of a handful of actions from either side. That was only in the past week as well. Before that, I last commented on a post regarding Storm Emma.
I voted yes, but there is no way to tell that from my Facebook page.
(I’ve had the same avatar for my entire time on Facebook)
Sometimes I think the focus was lost, was the constitution the correct place to ban abortion? Probably not and the repeal was not in itself the big issue was abortion remains illegal under the Offences against the Person acts. Certainly the constitution put a ban on all the exceptional cases which was probably wrong. Unfortunately the debate ended up being about proposed legislation and this was much more divisive, which of course it would be. .. what I think many failed to do was listen, listen to the other sides point of view, listening does not mean agreeing but does allow understanding and with that understanding the nastiness from both sides might have been a lot less and people can agree to differ… but this debate also begged truthfulness which I found sadly lacking from both sides as each tried to shout the other down. for some it was more like a two opposing supporters at a sporting event then mature adults debating a serious topic.
I actually think the “glorification” of “Yes” win indicates that one side still fails to understand the other sides point of view, but I am just as sure that the “No” side would show the same lack of understanding had they won too.
It was not really a “great” day for anyone as the issues was about what to do about crises and unwanted pregnancies and what happened was that we put in place an amendment to the constitution that allows us be more flexible in the approach we take to those people in need.
My two cents worth anyway.
.
@Niall Ó Cofaigh: I was also a bit uneasy about the triumphalism on a subject which I believe will still lead to sadness and distress for women (and men). I don’t think any woman goes happily for an abortion. Although I voted YES I am hoping for the “rare and restricted” outcome. There was a particularly inappropriate clip from the coverage yesterday -shown several times on RTE news – of a mother and her very young children all screaming “YES YES YES” for the cameras, – it seemed very wrong to have such small children hyped up to such a frenzy celebrating abortion.
@Molly1952: I have not seen the video but women are happy that 35 years of oppression has come to an end. Many of women who are so happy will never have an abortion in their life. It is just happiness to be included in any decision in prenatal care, know that your life wont be jeopardized and your other children left without a mother and so much more. Many women have waited for this day for 35 years with so many being forced out for their healthcare. It is the joy of getting rid of those chains that makes them happy rather than the thought of any abortion.
@Marie McCormack: Well summed up Marie – it’s the releasing of the chains that we need to celebrate. I lived through the days of no contraception, marriage ban, criminalisation of homosexuality, etc etc and it’s good to see these injustices being dealt with bit by bit.
@Niall Ó Cofaigh: Niall your two cents are bag on the money. Wish I had of had more conversations with people like you during the referendum.
I voted no but I could understand why people voted yes and respected that fact, even though I definitely wasn’t granted the same respect when I told people which way I was voting.
Thankfully, it wasn’t a traumatic run up to a referendum for me – my family and friends have the same outlook as me so there was no heated debate.
Being honest, the thought of performing guided body scan meditation sounds worse than any abortion debate.
How individuals treat each other when they are on different sides of an argument depends on personality, temperament, intelligent debating skills, control of language – and attitudes to social and cultural backgrounds. My observation is that on discussion threads (like this one) people who use pseudonyms are less likely than people who use real names to engage in discussions civilly. Orderly societies adhere generally to orderly rules of engagement. Trolls using ‘handles’ prefer an absence of agreed rules.
Hate is a game that many can play and we can all lose
“Baby Killers!”
Justin Barrett, 2017
Must say I felt hemmed in silenced by vocal fundamentalists on both sides.
Well Philip, it doesn’t look like your wish will come true judging by the comments here especially the very first comment which was designed to keep the bitterness alive.
For many women the debate around the referendum was a chance to open up. To tell a personal story which they kept to themselves for many years. Talking about the Samaritans and Pieta house hotlines, how could it feel to be afraid to talk about your “trip” even to your nearest and dearest, feeling completely alone? As extreme the debates were, airing a taboo subject brought relief to a lot of people.
Referenda are by secret ballot for a reason.
People have no respect for other opinions nowadays, it wasn’t a debate so much as a massive ranting shouting match and an absolute pain in the backside most of the time, both sides were childish and immature in how they tried to canvass for support. Both sides didn’t understand when someone refused to engage in conversation and personally some people were annoyed with me when I refused to tell them how I intended to vote. I’ll just be glad to see the end of the posters and badges and know that I won’t have to pass opposing groups at the train station in the morning, trying to shout over each other to tell me that my yes or no vote would doom society, that along with tons of fake news about babies and foetuses and medical “truths” when they hadn’t a clue themselves.
It’s over, time to move on.
I don’t think this referendum was about abortion per se. I think it was a move to regulate to facilitate people to exercise their personal conscience when faced with the difficult choice that they would have to make. Both sides voted in terms of an informed conscience. In each situation in the future that person will decide in terms of the situation and conscience. Pro life will take the pro life choice. And others will take the opposite. The result enables and facilitates the taking of the decision. In a sense both sides have “won”.
Did people who voted no change over night? Do they suddenly respect me as human being in my own right and not see my worth as a woman primarily based on a still working uterus? Do they care how the 8th negatively impacted me or do they still dismiss my experience? I made myself clear throughout the run up and long before where I stand. My view of some is altered forever and will not return to our previous relationship. I know now I didn’t know who they were before. Some shocking revelations going both ways over the last few months. There are people I will never look at the same again. For me the healing is in knowing I have cut those people out of my life.
@Carol Oates: I don’t think you were a factor in the decision to vote no.
Most no voters (that I know) focused on the vulnerable fetus. They were ok with the FFA/ Rape/ Incest/ Mothers health and the numerous other reasons but think that 12 weeks for any reason is too far.
@Niallers: Sorry, but the fact that the woman wasn’t a factor to them is a huge issue to me. How could I look someone in the eye who deems me of lesser value to them and to the human race than a 12 week foetus? Or who thinks it was okay that I had non consented procedures during labour? No voters don’t respect me and so I can’t respect them, even though the referendum is over.
It has definitely been a uniting campaign I think. I made many good friends over the course of working for Yes and these were people I didn’t know at all beforehand!
It’s to be hoped it doesn’t end up like Brexit. All talk and no action.
have your say