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CHRISTMAS WITH MY mother feels like a million years ago to me now. Like we shared it in a different lifetime. When I try to remember back to before 2007, it feels like one of the 1970s home video reels where the picture keeps jumping and flickering and going out of focus. Perhaps because remembering can be just too difficult at this time of year, and my survival instinct kicks in to stem the melancholy. Onwards and upwards with Christmas 2014. No time for the ghosts of Christmas past as we celebrate Christmas present. Because there’s nothing festive about grief. ‘Tis the season to be jolly and all that.
But some of the memories are still there, buried beneath all the present day festivities.
The kitschy Christmas apron we used to slag her mercilessly about. Her make up, hurriedly applied between basting the turkey and topping the sprouts. The bitching and moaning about being dragged out of bed and frog marched down to Mass. The Christmas Day curfew where post 2pm there was an unwritten rule that no one left the house until the annual Stephen’s Night booze up the following evening. The arguments over who washed up and got possession of the remote.
All that is gone now. And God, how I miss it. Much as I moaned and groaned my way through it at the time and raised my eyes to heaven over the annual traditions.
Because once the Christmas ringleader was no longer with us to marshall the troops, Christmas was never quite the same again. The linchpin had vanished and whilst her spirit is most definitely still felt each Christmas, probably stronger than at any other time of year, it will never, ever be the same as having her here with us to share it.
So, in her absence, how to fill the gap? To all those out there who similarly may be experiencing a ‘Merry Xmas’, where a part of it is conspicuously absent, five small suggestions which may help along the way.
1. Visit the grave if it helps. Or not. They’d want you to do whatever gets you through the day, not what tradition dictates. You don’t necessarily have to pay your respects to a lump of marble for them to feature in your day. In ways, what could feel more lifeless and lonely than that? Ever the pragmatist, I cannot imagine my mother would wish that upon me, no matter how much she liked a ponsietta at Christmas.
Shanganagh on Christmas morning is a profoundly sad and poignant place, as families try to reach back into the past and reconnect with those whom they lost, in whatever distant way they can. Some years I have the stomach for it. Others not. Some years I draw comfort from the experience. Others it simply overwhelms.
2. Maybe light a candle for them instead if the graveyard is more than you can bear. Cheesy, but comforting no less. There’s something intangible in the life of the gentle flicker of the flame in the corner that makes their presence felt, however subtly.
3. Curl up on the couch with a blanket and sole possession of the tin of roses and watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ or something equally sappy and sentimental. Take comfort where you can and don’t apologise for it. Think ‘mind yourself’(whatever the hell that means).
4. Lap up the love and cuddles wherever you can find them. If you’ve little people around, all the better. Gorge yourself on the company and affection of those who are left behind.
5. Accept that you might feel a little more tired than usual or than you would expect. Feeling loss at Christmas is like dragging Santa’s sack around with you through all the festivities. It takes energy whether you choose to acknowledge, bury or all out wallow in it.
Now all that’s left is for me to head off into this Christmas mayhem and follow my own advice instead of beating myself up for having the odd ‘moment’. To all those out there in a similar boat, Merry Christmas to you and yours.
And most of all, Merry Christmas to you, Mum, wherever you may be.
Claire Micks is an occasional writer. Read her columns for TheJournal.ie here
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Wow I was sitting here thinking about my mum who passed away in March. I was thinking how hard this Christmas is going to be especially for my dad. Then I find this article on the journal, this might sound bad but you take comfort knowing your not the only one going through grief at this time of year.
Thursday will be a very hard day for you all this year Tom. I lost my mam 3 years ago and this will be our 4th without her and for me Christmas will never be the same again. But you will put a smile on your face, force down that lump in your throat and do your best to enjoy the dinner that doesn’t taste like the one your mam made every year. I wish I could tell you that next year will be easier but I’d be lying. The only thing that gets me through the day is the trying to be strong for my dad, and disappearing out of the room to dry my eyes before anyone notices and of course the little people really help because at the end of the day Christmas is all about their happy smiling faces when they run to the tree to see what Santa has left for them. But sadly Santa cant give us the present we would give anything for…..just 5 more minutes.
Beautiful article; thank you. 7 years ago, a dear friend of mine lost her brother in a car crash only days before Christmas. The whole family still dread Christmas to this day. I can’t imagine the pain they all go through this time of year.
Yes, thank you for a beautiful artical. My father passed on nearly 30 yrs ago and somedays it seems like it was only yesterday. We got through and kept his memory alive. Buy when my youngest brother took his life he took the life out of my family. I dread christmas time because its always over shadowed by grief. We avoid being together in case he is mentioned Even as i type this,the pain is physical. My mum is still with us, a shell of the mum i knew. She will come to mine and dutifully eat her dinner then insist on being brought back to her own house. As if being there, will bring them home. But we learned along time ago not to make that time of year go on to long. We get it over with and the worse of the pain eases down again. So spare a thought for others when spreading good cheer. They may not want it.
Catherine, I’m so sorry for your loss. There is no other grief quite like the grief left after a loved one takes their own life. There are no words that can comfort either.
Thanks anan. I wouldent wish this on my worse enemy.
I can relate to the author’s loss. This is the first year that my mam will spend in a nursing home. So it’s just my dad and myself. In a way it’s been three years since we really had her as that’s the length of time she has been suffering from the dreaded alzheimers. Back in the good days when Christmas morning comes she would turn on every musical santa, snowman, whatever, to get me out of bed :) Of course Dad and I will visit her Thursday but it just won’t be the same. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. This Christmas I will grieve my lovely mammy.
So sad to read this Geraldine. It really puts into perspective those petty family arguments that can surface over the Christmas period. We need to be grateful for those who are still with us – be it in body or mind.
Thank you Geraldine.
Thanks Anon.
Geraldine, I am so sorry for your loss, got very teary when I read your comment. I hope some how you have a peaceful and love filled Christmas. Please know I will be thinking of your family on Christmas Day and of course your lovely mammy..
Thank you for your kind words Midge. I’ve been reading the comments. It’s a sad and lonely time of year for so many.
I lost my mother 8 years ago and christmas that year was weird but since I have tried to rally and enjoy the season as much as possible. My own mother lost her father on Christmas Day. No matter how it hurt she never left it interfere with our Christmases which were always fantastic. She didn’t go to the grave either. Her fathers wishes. He always said the dead can’t rest if you are at their grave weeping. I do go to her grave though on Christmas Eve or the day before . As lonely as graveyards can be they can also be a little bit of stillness and peace in an otherwise crazy time of year. I can clear my head and chat to her. She wouldn’t have wanted anyone to be sad at Christmas so I try very hard not to be. I immerse myself in those family I still have around me. Christmas is all about making the most if the time you have with family after all. So she will still be part of my now different but still lovely Christmases. Most of her still lives on in our corny traditions weird foods and silly Christmas games and in her children and grandchildren.and even great grandchildren .
Really nice article. Thanks for sharing. Haven’t experienced this loss, but I am dreading the day. Have a great chrimbo.
Lovely article and this year will be incredibly emotional for me as my mum passed away… Anyways .. Still a good article
Dad died in Jan and I’m getting more upset the closer I get to Christmas. I knew last Christmas would be his last and have managed ok during the year but I miss him and his ways
I lost my Dad two weeks ago, he loved Christmas so much. Although he would invariably leave his gift buying until the last minute and I was always drafted in to do it for him! Not this year. I suppose Christmas will never be quite the same again.
No it wont Lisa. But we learn to go on in a different way. This is still very raw for you but it will get better. I offer you my deepest condolances and i think you should buy youself a present from your dad to you. God bless you and yours.
Great articlle, that puts grief, loss & bereavement into focus. Especially for those of us who will be so painfully aware every Xmas, that cherished loved ones are gone forever. Also, a reminder to those fortunate eneough to have an unbroken family circle to make every moment count. I would sooo love to have my lovely Ma & Da back, for even 5 more minutes.
We lost our mother unexpectedly a few days before Christmas 11 years ago. Family was never the same again. Totally sympathise with the author.
This article really struck a chord with me…I lost my younger brother in April after a car crash: and even though I put on a show for my daughter my heart is broken and I am dreading Christmas. Our family is devastated and we will never get over losing him.
May all who are experiencing grief and sadness this Christmas get all the support possible and may the spirit of Christmas ease their pain.
Lost both my man and dad at Christmas some years ago one on December 16th and the other December 29th and Christmas is not the same anymore .thinking of you all at this time of year .
I lost my dad 24 years ago on the 17th November suddenly.
My youngest was born a month premature 4 years later on his anniversary, my best friend who was also my mum died 5 weeks ago 2 days before my dads anniversary.
Christmas will not be the same this year.
A time of sorrow and joy.
My father had his life taken from him on Xmas day 1969 45 yrs ago . My mother became a widow at 21 with two infants and expecting her third . She never remarried and work her whole life raising three kids .
Thank you for your wonderful article. This is our first Christmas without my mother and to be honest I was at my wits end before reading your article. God bless
I mean did the authors mother pass away during the xmas period or does she just miss her at xmas period. My mother is also gone and i think of her every day not just xmas
She suggests her mother died at christmas. When you lose someone you love you should miss them every day, but anniversary time can be more gut wrenching
Dont be afraid to grieve. Its healing.
The minute someone says ‘should’, they are not thinking of how everyone reacts differently and whatever way someone reacts is right
Should , should be would. So sorry to presume for everyone. Its kinda an emotional subject.
Thank you for sharing this article. it is really lovely. I can relate to this author and I lost my Mum 6 years ago this week. it is hard to have her anniversary and celebrate christmas in only few days between them, About three years ago I started love christmas again. I believe every year – the perspective of christmas changes over period of time while our cherised loves are gone and new family or friends members arrived.
Beautiful article with some useful advice.
Thank you for this.
As i get older thers more and more people o know each year whose Christmas will never be the same due to loss
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