Sign in. It’s quick, free and it’s up to you.
An account is an optional way to support the work we do. Find out more.
THE PROVERBIAL THORN in the side of every new partner – the cling-on ex that simply won’t take the hint that three’s a crowd.
Similar to the age old question, can men and women really be friends, the answer is, of course, yes. But like having a friendship with one’s sibling, only if there are literally ZERO romantic feelings on either part.
However, how on God’s earth can one be sure that no such feelings exist? Aside from protestations of he/she being like a blood-relative (which hold no actual weight at all) you really can’t.
If we are entirely honest with ourselves when we look back at our love lives to date, it’s practically impossible to say that each and every break-up was 100% mutual. And sticking with numbers to prove a point, in almost all cases one party was certainly at least 1% more injured than the other.
So, 50% of the partnership took it a little harder and harbours something of a feeling of unfinished business about the whole relationship. Enter ulterior motives.
Break-ups, where the question of remaining friends comes into play, typically play out in very similar ways.
For example, in a case where the man breaks up with his girlfriend, the woman (or hurtee) wants to stay friends in the hopes a romance will be rekindled. She loses the weight she thinks will make her more attractive to him, gains the social life she thinks he’ll be jealous of and adopts the devil-may-care nonchalance she thinks will make her mysterious enough to draw him back in and realise he made a catastrophic mistake.
The man, (or the hurter) wants to stay friends so he can still enjoy all of the privilege of the friendship, support and reassurance that he enjoyed in the relationship while being completely free to have romantic encounters with all and sundry. Having and eating all the cake as it were.
This is certainly the case when it comes to fresh break-ups. It’s a terrible idea to remain friends while there’s a storm of emotions involved. Neither party has had the chance to detangle their lives and get back on the dating scene unburdened by heartbreak or guilt.
It’s only fair to allow each other the breathing space to heal and move forward. Any attempt at a genuine friendship at this stage is utterly futile and fraught with disasters waiting to happen.
Further down the track when both parties have put some time distance between them and their romantic history, the question of whether a friendship is appropriate takes on a different shape altogether.
Technically “it’s been ages” since you were involved in “that” way so any current partners that are on the scene have a real job on their hands dealing with the friend that used to know their partner in the biblical sense. Time blurs the lines of what’s an acceptable level of contact with an ex.
There are just two sets of circumstances under which a friendship with an ex is acceptable. In the most innocent sense, some people who had a fleeting relationship once upon a time where nobody fell in love and both came to their senses quickly, sharing a giggle at how preposterous the romance was for them in the first place, could be friends, and just friends.
This scenario could produce the purest kind of boy/girl friendship actually because there’s no question that there is no sexual attraction involved – been there/done that so to speak. These are pretty rare cases.
Secondly, and in similarly rare cases, a couple whose relationship simply fizzled out over a long and agonisingly boring period could also maintain a fairly complication free and romantically dead friendship. But only if there was a collective sigh of relief when one of them finally called time on the blisteringly mundane partnership.
These cases usually take at least five years together to mature properly so they will be sure to have produced a fairly robust friendship, unless unadulterated hatred is the by product in which case future partners can breathe a sigh of relief- that ex is a goner.
In short, unless there are literally no romantic feelings festering on either side, remaining friends is strictly a no-no if you want to move on and have a successful relationship with someone else.
While everyone should continue to maintain their friendships throughout no matter who they date, it is a simple fact that friendships with ex’s are dynamically different and so different rules apply. If you are not careful, it will cause problems in your future relationships.
In cases where your partner refuses to relinquish a friendship with an ex even though you’ve made it clear it upsets you, then that partner is using their ex to manipulate you and you need to move on and meet someone who considers your feelings.
Conversely, if at any time you seem to be placing your relationship with your ex ahead of the feelings of your partner, you need to rearrange your priorities. If that ex is in your ear telling you your partner is being unreasonable, there’s an ulterior motive.
Ex’s that are genuine friends will understand that they need to step back and let you prioritise the person you love that makes you happy, and if they don’t they aren’t really your friend, are they?!
If in doubt, follow this simple guide:
Rena Maycock is the co-founder and Director of Intro Matchmaking.
To embed this post, copy the code below on your site
Another attack on private property rights. THIS is why we have a housing crisis. Sure why would anyone want to become a landlord now. This ruling sets a dangerous precedent and will actually lead to more landlords leaving the market and will put a stop to new landlords entering the market.
@MTB Mayo: invest in the stock market . Put your money in a different market . You would be mad to stay in it with the incoming government
@MTB Mayo: that’s their plan. Get everybody into public housing and then if you don’t support Putín isk politicians you get thrown out of your state housing.
@MTB Mayo: The ‘signs’ have been there since the end of covid. I had two houses rented out in North Cork…..luckily, great Tennants for years & years…..no issues re rent or damage—- earlier this year both Tennants advised they were moving on ( & best of luck to them)……. ” For Sale” signs went up straight away…..both sales closed in September. I’d stay miles clear of the rental market in Ireland…stay well clear…… any landlords that haven’t heeded the signs will only have themselves to blame.
@MTB Mayo: are you advocating that landlords not be held to any standards or rules? He violated multiple conditions, including advising some people of their eviction by text message rather than the legal documentation required. He was offered market value for the property by DCC but not only refused to sell to them but refused to engage with them at all. He used dubious tactics to try and get around the tryellstown agreement until he gave up the other day knowing he couldn’t prove hardship when DCC were offering market value. Decent landlords won’t leave the market because of this because decent landlords would never treat their tenants like he has.
@Peter Laurent: International Equities in case they start nationalising Irish companies. Venezuela, which has “friends” amongst irish politicians nationalised Smurfit’s branch there. Irish media didn’t publicise for whatever reason ?
@MTB Mayo: imagine believing such insanity… Ireland’s rental market is very mildly regulated… Germany has far less housing issues with a market that is infinitely more regulated. In some places they have excess stock.
More regulation, more housing, less problems.
This guy ^^^ wants you to believe that the market must be given free reign… Well it essentially has been, for decsdes. The result? 10k homeless people. Most of whom are Irish.
Maybe stop listening to people when their arguements are based on a profit motive. Crazy right?
Stop believing right wing nonsense. Better systems exist, and produce better results.
@Chris O’Brien: U could not compare Germany with Ireland Most people rent there U have to look after the property if u are a tenent, The house or appartment is painted mostly white when u move in you can paint it whatever colour u want but u must paint it white before u leave plus its inspected before u go with no breakages or damage
@Peter Laurent: a lot of capital is already on the move ahead of a possible IRA government. Anyone with savings would be mad to leave them in an Irish bank.
I’m glad for those tenants but don’t agree the building should become social housing.
@GVR: Sets a bad precedent, refuse to leave and get the council to buy the house for you.
Good luck to them though, good win for them.
@GVR: the alternative was making multiple families homeless. He could have sold the building to a another private landlord and kept his tennents in situ but he refused to do that. So Dublin city council did their job and stepped in to offer to buy it. The alternative was multiple families in emergency accommodation which costs a fortune and eventuality rehomed in council houses anyway.
@Gearoid MacEachaidh: Sure why don’t the council just house everyone?…..why do some people get handed a gaff for a pittance and have it maintained for life and the rest of us in the real world have to do it on our own?
@Gearoid MacEachaidh: That’s the catch 22 situation with social/council housing. Unless the council can deduct the outstanding (low) rent directly at source, there’s zero incentive to pay the rent in the first place, because the council would have to put you in emergency accommodation at a much higher cost. Therefore, it will never happen.
In addition to this is the issue that you can “inherit” the council tenancy.
As far as as know, that’s independent on whatever income you are and if you really need the 3-bedroom house as a single.
@uUleRhCu: anyone under a certain income is entitled to apply for social housing. It’s always been the case and always will. That’s not what this discussion is about. But if you want to do away with social housing feel free to run for office on that platform and see how far you’ll get.
@Wolfgang Bonow: yeah for sure there are issues with the system the ones you mentioned probably being the biggest.
@Gearoid MacEachaidh: nobody is “entitled” to anything. You apply and if you are “eligible” you will be approved and put in the housing list.
@Gearoid MacEachaidh: could he have sold to another landlord ? Don’t think there are many jumping in to buy property for renting as for the Council were they giving the market value? , nothing is clear here If this guy was anxious to sell the property why not sell with tennents in place He must not be getting the market value why would he put himself through a load of crap with the RTB & evicting a lot of people
@Helen McKernan: read what I wrote again. I LITERALLY said the same thing as you. Some people just love to argue.
@Sheila McNulty: yes, the council did offer him market value. I agree, there aren’t many private buyers at that level wanting to buy to let, I was just giving an example. But he was offered market value by the council, that I know for a fact. I am also aware of the income he was making from letting those apartments, that’s public information. Not exactly an amount that would cause “financial hardship”. I’m assuming he had an offer for the building from someone else, maybe more for the site than the building, otherwise he would have engaged with the DCC. It was his choice to get in the mess with the RTB, by issuing illegal evictions. I still don’t think he’ll sell to the council though. If I were to guess I’d say he will reissue evections but do it legally this time.
@Helen McKernan: She said ‘entitled to apply’. Best to actually read comments before replying to them.
What makes it ok to be allowed to comment on this article? Some kind of agenda?
Stephen Donnelly is the best health minister ever, also Darragh O Brien is the best housing minister
@Paul Gorry:
That you Mary Richard Bluebot Mongo McNeill of FG FrapeRoom infamy infamy….they all have itsh in for me!?! €;@)
Build more houses = more homes available
Its not rocket science. 4 thousand children will spent Christmas in a cramped hotel room, not for their first time either.
Half a billion. Half a billion. Not spent by Mr. Housing minister not spent this year on housing.
Disgraceful, absolute disgrace the government are.
Half a billion. How many homes could that provide?
Record numbers of (registered) homeless. The figure is more like double that with people sleeping on couches, floors etc. of friends.
Time for change real change enough is enough.
@Denis Rathsallagh Brady: Don’t think u have the true picture or that its as simple as u say How many places were there where people objected to housing in Dublin Which would have caused terrible delays also places to build & full planning permission It takes a lot of time plus not easy to get builders or any tradespeople don’t imagine a billion was left just sitting in the Bank just to anoy u or me
@Denis Rathsallagh Brady: not the housing minister, the local authorities are the ones that failed to spend the money.
But it’s hard to build houses when you can’t get people to do the work. 85,000 long term unemployed won’t work on building sites, it’s too hard and you have to get out of bed every morning.
have your say