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IN SEPTEMBER OF this year, I published my memoir called “The Best Is Yet To Come”, a book about my journey through dark spells of depression.
Within those pages I described how I’ve had countless suicidal thoughts and feelings over the last five years. Twice those feelings became a suicidal urge. I am writing this piece for TheJournal.ie today because those two lowest moments came around Christmas.
And I want to strongly encourage anyone reading this piece to mind themselves during the festive season, but also to look out for friends and family.
Our outward masks
Christmas can be a time when many feel obligated to be happy and project the best version of ourselves onto family and friends. As a young male and an inter-county footballer, consumed by deep waves of depression, I tried to keep a smile on my face to paper over the cracks when depression had taken hold of me. But on the inside I was in a complete state of flux.
In the very first chapter of my book, I describe what it was like to stand in my local pub in Bailieborough, Co Cavan, surrounded by my closest friends yet feel completely alone and depressed.
“As the hours ticked by, I grew more and more self-conscious. I was expending most of my energy forcing the tears in my eyes back down the pipes they had risen up, a special talent I had developed. The familiar voices that surrounded me intertwined naturally, and as the many strands of conversations and stories flowed effortlessly from my friends, I fought the sporadic urge to cry. Unfortunately, they weren’t the tears of laughter that everyone else seemed to be sharing. Everyone else stood there interacting effortlessly, engaging and mingling with one another, which only added to my self-consciousness. Why couldn’t I feel like them? Why couldn’t I enjoy my Christmas? Everyone else made it look so easy.”
I was embarrassed and ashamed for feeling the way I did when everyone else seemed so content and carefree. I did my best to reassure my mates that everything was going well in my life. I wanted them to think I was thriving when the reality was that I was barely surviving.
Struggling
In my drunken state, I convinced myself that quietly slipping away from the celebrations was the best thing for me and for the others, because I didn’t want to be a drain on their night. I knew I couldn’t keep the act up for one more second. All the energy I had spent keeping up my act had taken its toll.
“I wandered out of the town and past the fields, taking no heed of time, drifting farther and farther from the party and my friends. I went deeper into the darkness and cold, happy in the knowledge that every step I took seemed like one more away from the anxiety and pain I had been enduring all evening. I wanted to feel happy for a few minutes. Even just for one minute. All I wanted was a short reprieve from my inner torture. Please just go away and let me enjoy Christmas like everybody else. Can you not let me be happy?”
Full of alcohol and hopelessness, I wandered through the countryside of Cavan questioning the purpose of my life and wondered if there any point in me staying in this world any longer. I was zapped out of my disillusionment by a car coming towards me with its headlights ablaze.
“I clearly imagined throwing myself in front of the oncoming car and letting it knock me out of this world. I wasn’t dreaming or, more accurately, having a nightmare. Jump. Bang. Gone.”
On that night, I took half a step towards the middle of the road, but then I flung myself behind a nearby wall and slumped miserably to the ground. It took all my willpower not to burst into tears.
Depression doesn’t thrive in the realm of logic or rationale, and once again I had let it fool me into thinking that I was the only person in the world not enjoying the Christmas season. However, the reality is I was not alone and I now know that my family and friends would have rallied around me if I had just been honest with them.
They have been an amazing source of support to me as I undertook my journey of recovery. That has led me to my first sustained period of wellness for some time.
Don’t forget to look after yourself this festive season. Don’t feel obligated to wear a mask like I did for far too long. Trust me, I had to learn the hard way that was not the way to deal with times of difficulty. This is Christmas, not Halloween.
In a world dominated by consumerism and expensive gifts, I think the biggest gift we can give to anyone we care about is our compassion, empathy, time and attention. Don’t be afraid to ask those around how they are and really mean it. Pause to hear the answer. Have real talks and meaningful conversations.
Let’s ask questions of each other and talk about what is going on in our lives, regardless of whether things are going brilliantly, okay or if you are struggling in some way. Let’s come together and mind each other. Let’s care for each other. Let’s support each other. Let’s talk but also listen.
Alan O’Mara is the founder of Real Talks and the author of the best-selling memoir ‘The Best Is Yet To Come.’ A current Gaelic footballer with Cavan and an Ulster U21 champion, he became the first active senior inter-county player to go public about experiencing depression in 2013.
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I’ve never been depressed.
I had hard times and been low but I don’t think if i’ve ever been depressed. My brother took his own life last year outta the blue. We don’t know why. I think for him it was just a spur of the moment thing. But in the days after when family and friends were looking for answers it was blamed on depression by a lot of people but I never saw that in him. Over pints of Coors and 12 hour shifts I’ve had a lot of time to think about my brother. And I just don’t know what was going through his head that second. But I also realised that I don’t understand depression. I want too understand it. I want to understand why our brothers, sisters our mams our dads our old friends our new friends wake up one day and decide to end there life. I’m 35 and I’ve been at 5 funerals since my grandad died when I was 15. All 5 took there own life’s. All 5 we’re young men under 40. None of them had a history of mental health problems or depression. They all had loads of friends good familys good jobs. 4 of them had girlfriends 2 of those lads were engaged. And there’s probably a guy or girl reading this now that all these things and more the things that make us happy and content take it’s bred into us since we we’re kids. That’s what I feel. I just want to understand why so many young people in Ireland kill themselves. To many do. I think if my brother just got through that second he felt there he’d still be hear.
desperation by
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Ireland is a very difficult place to deal with depression as a young man and in the particular scenario described by the writer. Firstly alcohol is the worst thing for a depressed mind. Then the social scenario where everyone is having great fun pushing you further and further into isolation. The issue is prob about half the other young men are uncomfortable and also dealing with depression and self doubt yet continue the act. Seek help from family if you can. Then the GP. Or both. Talking helps share the problem and halve the burden. Don’t drink and take time out from the pub. Go for an hour and make excuses. Stop pretending to like the pub if it makes you unhappy. Exercise – like a long walk is also very helpful. Depression can be managed with simple steps. First step.. accept it’s happening to you
How is Ireland any different from any other country Shane. I know our mental health system could be better but I think from my experience the lads that took there life’s was down to heart break. I think girls are mentally stronger than guys and emotionally stronger than guys.
I have it all wife who loves me 2 beautiful kids a dog my own home , just wish I was dead. No idea why.
@John Jones:
Talk to somebody John, tell them how you feel. You are loved and there will be somebody who can help you through this
Ring Samaritans if there is nobody in the house with you now. Or post on here , I’ll get a few numbers and post them for you. Keep breathing
Joan
@John Jones:
Pieta House 1800 247 247
Aware 1890 303 302
Samaritans 1850 609090
Ring somebody now if there is nobody in the house to talk to
Take care
Joan
Guess what’s worse, when your best friend tells you they are sick of your moods and never contacts you again. It’s been a tough week
@Shane Hickey:
Cuan Mhuire is a wonderful place, it strengthens those who are fragile and softens those who have become hard and angry, not so much that opposites attract but that people borrow from each other’s strengths.
The natural rhythms of a day are the need to sleep, work, interact and enjoy the rest period and it is no different with an annual cycle however the lifestyles of today don’t make it easy to slow down and let the body and mind repair for the coming Spring and Summer.
Shane you are do right.
” so “
Alcohol is a depressant. Of course it’s good to talk about issues but I have to wonder at this point if using the blanket term ‘depression’ is of use any longer. It says so little and is such a general term for what could be a very specific and fixable problem. Christmas brings out of a lot of issues for people due to it being an emotive time of year and many people, many men in particular, can’t deal with those emotions as they were never taught how to or learned to deal with them. Outward displays of emotion make them uncomfortable. Getting older, and/or having kids really takes the edge off that as you learn and develop ways to handle this without any assistance from anyone. My advice to anyone feeling ‘depressed’ is bypass your GP, or at least don’t depend on a GP for solutions as many do, and instead go see a psychotherapist – a qualified counsellor – in your locality instead. They range in price from about 60 an hour to 80 at the upper end. Do about 8 sessions, once a week or so over 2, or 3 months. It’s worth the money. They can help you find the problems within if you yourself can’t see it, and they can help you deal with it very constructively. You have nothing to lose. Words are a form of action.
How do you mean many men weren’t taught how to deal with there emotions.
Is that not just just how we are?
Alan, you are an extremely brave man. opening up and talking about feelings that many people have, but few have the balls to talk about is Beyond tough. I’m not a GAA fan, but I’m now a fan of you as a person!!!
Anyone else think we need a committee of inquiry into the psychological implications of playing GAA?
Seems to be riddled with alcoholics, chronic gambling addicts and countless people suffering from depression.
Maybe the GAA could invest some of their billions in setting up Prory Clinics for players to help them on the road to recovery.
Depression is one of the worst illnesses someone can have, you look ok you smile you answer people bit you want to die so much, and be at peace.
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