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'Helicopter parents If you let your child fall down they might just learn to get back up again'

21st-century parenting is the reason that many young people today have remarkably poor coping skills, writes Shane Dunphy.

A COUPLE OF Sundays ago I was in the park with my grandson who is five.

It was a pleasant winter’s afternoon, and the swings and slides were crowded with children of all sizes, clambering here and there. The sound of chatter and laughter, as well as one or two sobs and wails, could be heard from all sides.

The park is the exact same one I used to frequent when I was a kid, and as I watched my grandson make his way up the climbing frame, a look of happy determination on his face, my mind flashed back forty years to when my friends and I had embarked on similar adventures.

In a moment of something close to enlightenment, I saw the park as it had been then: much less play equipment, the lawns not quite as well manicured, the surface rough tarmacadam instead of the softer, synthetic matting legislation now dictates to prevent injuries.

All these differences were profound, but what struck me most as I pondered this mental picture was one major factor was very different.

My park of the late 1970s and early 1980s was largely devoid of parents, and the few that would have been present would have sat on benches (probably smoking), watching their children from a distance.

The adults of the 21st century, myself included, were all following their children around, staying within arms-reach as they played, ready to catch them in case they fell and coax them over the tougher bits of the various pieces of equipment.

Some were literally following their progeny around with a hand laying on their backs, or loosely holding an arm. Which meant that the play was different, too – it seemed more sedate, slower, less free somehow.

It was the perfect image to illustrate what has come to be known as ‘helicopter parenting’ – these Mums, Dads and grandparents were, literally, hovering over the child in case they became distressed.

How has this controversial parenting style become the norm? And I am as guilty of it as anyone.

Helicopter Parenting

The concept of ‘helicopter parenting’ has been around since the late sixties, evolving from the term ‘cosseting parents’, but did not come into wide usage until it was identified by the psychologist Foster Cline in the late 1990s.

He reported a teenager he was working with describing his parents ‘hanging in the air over him, like helicopters’ and how he felt smothered and helpless by their ‘crushing kind of love and protection’.

The phrase passed into widespread usage in the early years of the 21st century, when college administrators and lecturers began noting that the millennials they were working with seemed to have remarkably poor coping skills and little resilience.

This is something I can identify with. I have taught college for 16 years and can recognise the gradual increase in parents advocating for, and in some cases doing actual course work for, their adult children.

I have, on more than one occasion, had to ask a parent to leave the room when they accompanied their son or daughter to an admissions interview.

But there is a much darker side to all of this, too.

Resilience

I am paid to teach, but in recent years, I have probably spent as much time supporting students in crisis. Of course, some of these crises are based around very real, very serious issues like domestic violence, homelessness, abuse or addiction.

But many more are rooted in something else entirely, something far less tangible. They are rooted in an inability to cope with the normal obstacles and challenges of life.

College is designed to be something of a combative environment – people are competing for grades and working to deadlines – and doing an assignment or a project is all about having someone, an expert in their field, assess how good or bad you are at their topic, which isn’t very nice.

But then, the world that awaits once students receive their parchments – the world college is supposed to be preparing them for – is even more of a challenge.

The young person will be struggling to find a job among the myriad of others who have the same degree they do. They will need to be ruthless, resilient and strive to excel.

And it’s not just assignment pressure that causes these bouts of anxiety.

Breaking up with boyfriends or girlfriends, body image issues, arguments about any range of subject matter on social media or being triggered by the material being discussed in class. Rarely a day goes by when at least one student is not in tears in my office.

Their capacity to cope when life gets tough (even if the issue at hand is a quite normal, if mildly upsetting, milestone that everyone goes through) seems to not be part of many of our young adult’s skills set these days.

Searching desperately for a way of dealing with the pain, some of them turn to self-harm, eating disorders and substance abuse.

And my colleagues in other institutions are experiencing the same thing.

Organisations like Pieta House, which offer free counselling for people exhibiting self-harming and suicidal ideologies, are snowed under from the demand. I find myself referring people to them on an almost weekly basis.

The only way we can stem this tide is, I believe, to be aware of the pitfalls we can so easily fall into as parents. Don’t worry, I am not holding myself up as a shining beacon – I’ve admitted to ‘helicoptering’.

Madeline Levine, a psychologist who has written about parenting in the information age, offers a checklist of 10 warning signs and clues that you may be a helicopter parent.

  • You will only allow your child to play on playgrounds with rubber flooring.
  • The first thing you do when your child comes in crying having fought with another child is to ring their parents to ‘talk it out’.
  • You find yourself up at 11pm rewriting your child’s homework (or college assignment) because you know they would have done a better job if they hadn’t been so tired.
  • Your 8-year-old still has training wheels on his/her bike.
  • You have bad back from stooping to follow your toddler around the room to catch them if they fall.
  • You experience anxiety when your child goes on a sleepover to a friend’s house, and always stay if they go on a play-date.
  • Having them clean up, help prepare dinner, or mow the lawn is something you would not even consider (cleaning fluids are toxic, knives are sharp, and what if they tripped and fell under the lawnmower?)
  • You use a baby monitor with a camera on it (but your child is six years old). 
  • You answer for him or her when they are asked a question by teachers, youth-leaders or friend’s parents in your presence.
  • Your child didn’t get the school/college/place on the sports team they wanted, and you ring the administration office to negotiate an exception be made for them.

Full disclosure, I probably fit five of these. What about you?

Shane Dunphy is a child protection expert, author and broadcaster. He is Head of the Social Studies Department at Waterford College of Further Education.

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    Mute Silent Majority
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:21 PM

    I find this truly shocking – 24 people actually watched that show?

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    Mute David Dolan
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:57 PM

    Unfortunately I watched it. I found the whole show offensive if only because it was so bad. Absolute muck. I don’t think TENI have anything to worry about. Not many will watch this more than once.

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    Mute John O'Neill
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    Mar 26th 2014, 12:06 AM

    ‘…a female led COMEDY cast…’ Spot the mistake….

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 8:42 AM

    There’s about 4000 of us in Ireland. You’ve probably driven a trans person in your taxi. We’re just normal people. Btw, don’t use the word ‘tranny’. It’s really offensive

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    Mute Feargal Garvin
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    Mar 26th 2014, 1:41 PM

    Bill, you’ve probably fallen for the ‘toupée fallacy’.

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 27th 2014, 9:20 AM

    @Feargal: Exactly.

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    Mute Stephen
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:41 PM

    Yet Mrs Browne offends everybody

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 8:47 AM

    Mrs. Browne is different, cause she’s not a trans character and the other characters don’t keep referring to her as a ‘man in a dress’ Besides, the problems arise when the dialogue in a show focuses on the character being trans, rather than showing that transgender is just normal. I myself am trans, by the way. There’s nothing weird about it. It’s just normal

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    Mute Setanta Landers
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:39 PM

    Think Bill Hicks said it best. “So you’re offended. So what”

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    Mute Spoddgy
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:39 PM

    Go to bed sheena!

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    Mute AdrianMacPartland
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:42 PM

    What you talkin bout Willis? Sorry Sheena

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    Mute Amphroaí Ó hAipilbí
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:48 PM

    Suddenly deciding to use the Irish form of your name in your late teens, in a fit of middle class, third level pretension, because all the other Fíachras and Odhrans are doing it too, is also offensive. Or annoying. To someone, I’m sure.

    Yours, An tUasal Ó hAipilbí.

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 8:51 AM

    Ummmm…. Trans people have an 82% chance of seriously considering suicide. That’s not down to us being trans. It’s cause the wider population doesn’t understand it. I don’t mind being offended, but I do mind the media broadcasting mis-information so that people understand my community even less than they already do!

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    Mute James St John Smith
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:21 PM

    This argument gets dragged out quite often.

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    Mute Paul Roche
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:28 PM

    I saw what you did there…

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    Mute John Curry
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:30 PM

    Get a wife…… sorry life

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    Mute Jesco White
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:35 PM

    It’s gross.

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    Mute King Olaf
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:29 PM

    Meh.

    Its a comedy (apparently). Deal with it.

    I hate when people go nuts over stuff like this. The amount of times I have seen the sly drunken paddy stereotype in films and videogames…it has never offended me. There are Irish people like that in the real world, just like there are transgender people similar to what is being portrayed in the tv show.

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 9:05 AM

    The problem isn’t that we’re offended. I can put up with a lot of offense. The problem is that RTE should stop spreading badly-reached portrayals of trans-people. Our community has astronomical unemployment, suicide, poverty and homelessness, but it’s not caused by us being trans. It’s by the wider population being fed mis-information about what trans is.

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    Mute King Olaf
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    Mar 26th 2014, 4:48 PM

    As a male I take exception that. My whole gender has astronomical unemployment, disgraceful rates of suicide, almost exclusively the majority of the homeless population and unreal financial stress/pressure. Not that it comes down to numbers at all but the trans community are not the only ones in Ireland having to deal with negativity and problems.

    I understand that there are trans people that I walk by on a daily basis and wouldn’t ever know but at the same time I have seen trans people who are 6ft 8, built like Paul O’Connell and project unrealistic notions of what a woman should act like.

    I don’t like to see people feeling offended or hurt by something that is in a tv show or film but I treasure the ability to write anything, say anything, act like anything more than I do other peoples feelings. I don’t want to see words, pictures or books banned or censored because someone else doesn’t like it. If you give in now, it will only progress to that stage.

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 27th 2014, 9:13 AM

    Why would you take exception to that? I understand that life is tough for lots of people. My point is that trans people are a marginalised community and the more that the media portrays us as freaks, the more the suicide rate will rise. Trans people are 24 times more likely to commit suicide. We get kicked out of our families for being ourselves; we get turned away from jobs; we can’t use public bathrooms unless, as you say, we project a realistic embodiment of ‘what a woman should be’.

    These problems aren’t caused by us. There’s nothing wrong with us. The problems come from widespread mis-information that’s fed by the media.

    Everyone has it tough. Life is tough. There are enough social problems in the country already. RTE broadcasting lazy jokes only adds to that. Surely that’s not censorship. It’s just letting everyone know that there are normal people in Ireland who happen to be gay and normal people who happen to be trans. Some trans-men are 5’2, some trans-women are 6’8 and built like rugby players. Regardless, they’re all people who pay their taxes, do their shopping and just want to get on with their day.

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    Mute Leigh Walsh
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    Apr 11th 2014, 2:05 AM

    Oh cop on, if you think being a cisman is as hard as being trans then you are sheltered as hell. There are definitely unaddressed issues in terms of suicide rates with men due to oppressive gender roles telling them talking about their feelings is weak and girly, but straight white male is still the easiest difficulty setting overall.

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    Mute Hound of Cooley
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:23 PM

    It’ll get to the stage where satire will be extinct..idiots.

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    Mute paudi
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:42 PM

    ah f**k off and stop whinging about nothing

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    Mute Leigh Walsh
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    Apr 11th 2014, 2:06 AM

    It’s not nothing. It’s nothing to you because you are not trans, and are not affected by this. And couldn’t care less if a show resulted in a trans person being killed if there was a way for that to happen(I’m sure a lot of trans people have been killed due to the terrible stereotypes put out there by the likes of Jerry Springer…).

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    Mute Dara O'Brien
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:08 PM

    Why would anyone watch a show with Catherine lynch in it

    And then complain that they were offended

    Sorry about the Freudian stutter

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    Mute White Fang
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:02 PM

    It’s worth nothing that there are defined limits on what is considered acceptable in comedy. Blackface was considered ‘comedy’ at one point, but is now off limits.

    At the same time, this reaction is over the top. Talk about making a mountain from a molehill.

    The most offensive thing about this show is how sh!t it is.

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    Mute White Fang
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:02 PM

    *noting

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    Mute Silent Majority
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:11 PM

    Who says blackface is considered off limits? Character in the league of gentleman was always in blackface, a sketch in Mitchell & Webb is done in blackface. The old style blackface comedy just isn’t considered funny anymore rather than being too risqué. Nothing can be, or should be, considered off limits in comedy. If a joke offends you you either didn’t get the joke, or are free to be as offended as you like if you did get it – but don’t try and tell me that I shouldn’t find it funny because you didn’t like it.

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    Mute SinAssist
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    Mar 26th 2014, 1:39 AM

    Oh maaamy……this is just a saga nauuw!!

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    Mute White Fang
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    Mar 26th 2014, 2:51 AM

    Great point, Silent Majority.

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 9:00 AM

    It’s not so much about trans-people being offended. I can put up with a lot of offense. It’s more to do with us having to deal with being misunderstood every day of the week. You know, we have an 82% chance of seriously considering suicide at some point in our lives. That’s not down to being trans. It’s down to thw wider population being fed mis-information about what transgender means. Can’t RTE for once broadcast something REAL about trans people and quit making cheap jokes

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    Mute Leigh Walsh
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    Apr 11th 2014, 2:03 AM

    How amazingly white are you? Even if Mitchell & Webb did it, blackface is not considerable acceptable by people who are not white.

    From your position, nothing should be considered off limits to comedy because it does not affect you. You are speaking from a position of privilege here.

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    Mute George White
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    May 19th 2014, 6:49 PM

    Yes, but Papa Lazarou in League wasn’t black. He was a gypsy circus entertainer, hundreds of years ago, whose makeup was actually stuck to his face and couldn’t be removed a la the Joker.

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    Mute Jason Ebbs
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:45 PM

    For God sake have people nothing better or more important to complain about !

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 9:11 AM

    ummmm….. Really? The way trans people are portrayed has a massive impact on our community. If more people saw REAL accurate portrayals of trans-characters (i.e. Hayley from coronation st) then we trans-people would be better understood and we’d find it easier to be allowed to get on with our normal, everyday lives. Transition is pretty normal, if you’re a person who happens to be trans

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    Mute chateau nove de pope
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:22 PM

    Seriously come on , les Dawson would have loved this

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    Mute Richard boyle
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:10 PM

    Les was a comic genius , this was more Benny hill but without the laughs

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    Mute George White
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    May 19th 2014, 6:50 PM

    Les Dawson didn’t play a transwoman though. He played a woman.

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    Mute Stephen
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:50 PM

    Don’t think Joan Burton’s going to be too happy about it.

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    Mute Tony Moran
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:51 PM

    Never heard of TENI before in my life, must add it to my list of wildly sensitive organisations, right beside the IONA crowd but I don’t think they’ll like being next to each other. I wonder if there’d be about 24 staff in TENI ….

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 9:17 AM

    Wildly sensitive?! TENI sticks up for the 4000 trans people in Ireland, unlike RTE who can’t do better than make cheap cracks at a marginalised community. Just cause there aren’t many trans people in Ireland, doesn’t mean it’s ok to laugh at us! We’re just normal people too, ya know

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    Mute Leigh Walsh
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    Apr 11th 2014, 2:07 AM

    IONA crowd are oppressive, TENI are the opposite. I’m sorry you think that the idea of an organisation for transgender rights is “wildly sensitive” but I would suggest that this is because you are a sheltered brat who’s never had to fight for equal representation in the media or rights or any of that shite.

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    Mute Ancient History
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:12 PM

    Panti looks rougher than usual.

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    Mute John
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:27 PM

    Ye he seriously needs to check herself

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    Mute Amphroaí Ó hAipilbí
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:29 PM

    What a coincidence, Lisa Mac’s article gets trotted out to the usual disdain, and then we get this…

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    Mute TheLoneHurler
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:40 PM

    Good ol’ Journal, flying the rainbow flag.

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    Mute Richard boyle
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:12 PM

    You do everything alone ?

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    Mute Shanti
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    Mar 25th 2014, 11:04 PM

    Lisa Mac is back?

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    Mute Sarah Sue
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    Mar 25th 2014, 8:36 PM

    Had recorded it on Sky+ have just watched 10 mins and turned it off, love Katherine Lynch how on earth did she get dragged into that drivel!

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    Mute Marcello Mobelli
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:37 PM

    Funny how RTE dismisses accusations of stereotyping by boasting about how the show has a character they describe as someone “who represents all that is wrong with society”.

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    Mute Deirdre O'Byrne
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    Mar 26th 2014, 11:26 AM

    Also, the statement from them that “Nualla is a Transgendered character accepted unreservedly by her co-workers and those who use ‘The Centre’” is false.

    She received grief from one of her male co-workers over Thai women, and even the narrator over hormone levels. Both of which are cheap shots at transgender people.

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    Mute Deirdre O'Byrne
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    Mar 26th 2014, 11:35 AM

    … of course I’m leaving out the swipes made at her by what RTE are calling the repulsive Amanda Menton.

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    Mute Elaine Donegan
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:06 PM

    It’s typical RTE shite..
    Ya think they would learn there lesson with fair city..

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    Mute Amphroaí Ó hAipilbí
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:36 PM

    Ah, if only my dear Amazonian angel!

    I am sorry to say that the gutters outside the theatrical establishments of Ireland are a veritable throng of wooden actors, shrill “comediennes” and self important writers who think they are the next Arthur Miller.

    There is no shortage of mediocrity among the luvvies.

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    Mute Turlough O' Connor
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:13 PM

    @sarah….
    Lathering Lynch wrote it

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    Mute Joe Curran
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    Mar 26th 2014, 6:50 AM

    TENI chief executive Giambrone said that “at no point is the audience laughing with Nuala, they are laughing at her,” …..its more likely that at no point is the audience laughing ………

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    Mute Patricia Ann McCarthy Moore
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    Mar 25th 2014, 10:36 PM

    Good publicity, but what about doing something really shocking on the show; Just as a publicity stunt, get one of the characters to smoke a cigarette. :-) Plain packaging, of course.

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    Mute gary banner
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    Mar 26th 2014, 1:04 AM

    I cannot believe people are making a mockery of this, I thought Nuala looked lovely and how dare anybody laugh at her given the huge strides we as a society have made since miss panties nobel cause received worldwide acclaim for anybody that listened to it,.
    Mocking Nuala just shows how intolerant society is towards men that just want to wear dresses & look like women , I for one will not laugh at Nuala no matter how silly people think he was portrayed ., I’f team panti show her how to apply her make up .. lets see how the shallow minded people of the ring wing conservatives laugh then :-).

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    Mute Kate Langham
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    Mar 26th 2014, 8:26 AM

    There are about 4,000 of us trans-people in Ireland. It’s terrible that RTE never present us as people, just laughing stocks. We are just people trying to get on with our day. Look at the way Hayley was portrayed in Coronation st. She was a trans-woman, but treated as a WOMAN, rather than ‘TRANS’. By the way, the media wouldn’t be so fascinated by gender transition if people knew how boring, slow and drawn-out the process actually is. It takes about 5-10 years and, for the most part, it’s rather dull and uneventful. Not just ‘a guy wearing a dress’. We’re just trying to get on with our day.

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    Mute Turlough O' Connor
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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:14 PM

    Katherine I mean

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    Mar 25th 2014, 11:06 PM

    Lathering Lynch was funnier :)

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    Mar 25th 2014, 9:14 PM
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    Mute Zozzy Zozimus
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    Mar 25th 2014, 11:01 PM

    Good analysis and an enjoyable read.

    “RTÉ and The Centre and its writers don’t make trans people look bad. They just make themselves look bad.”

    Burn. LOL.

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    Mute Richard Barcoe
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    Mar 26th 2014, 7:25 AM

    If it offends, then don’t watch it again. There you go easy.

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    Mute Leigh Walsh
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    Apr 11th 2014, 2:07 AM

    Except it’s not easy – whether I watch it or not does not change the fact that these media portrayals influence public perception of trans issues and ultimately affects our legal rights.

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    Mute johngahan
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    Mar 26th 2014, 1:05 AM

    We’ll be protecting people who have a fetish for dressing as cosplay characters next. You go to a job interview dressed as Darth Vader and then sue because you didn’t get hired.

    If you want to indulge yourself in selfserving fetishes, expect to get some pushback.

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    Mute Max Krzyzanowski
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    Mar 26th 2014, 3:44 AM

    @johngahan:
    How about this for pushback?

    Flaunting your prejudice by describing trans identity as “a self serving fetish” is precisely the stereotype that I and many others object to being reinforced by RTÉ in its show.

    I have zero difficulty with any character being the object of humor, but when the joke panders to the lazy stereotype that you clearly believe is true about trans people, it amplifies risk for a minority that already suffers heightened violence and marginalization.

    In a way I should thank you john, because your comment is proof of the need to complain about this unfunny show.

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    Mute johngahan
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    Mar 26th 2014, 7:57 AM

    Max – for some people the urge to cross dress is fetishistic. Unless done for someone else’s enjoyment, then it is selfserving. Nothing wrong with that, but it is hardly a human rights/antidiscrimination issue.

    I take your point though that there are those with gender identity issues who aren’t dressing up for the thrill of it, but instead just to feel comfortable with themselves mentally.

    I suppose the T in the LGBT is the category that society is still a bit underappreciative of.

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    Mute Louise Hannon Fotos
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    Mar 26th 2014, 12:11 PM

    It was the worst load of garbage I’ve seen in a long time. It was an insult to every trans person in Ireland and by extension caused problems for a trans friend of mine directly within their family yesterday. That is the sad effect of “comedy” of this type on a marginalised community and a marginalised human being. That is not what I pay a TV licence to our national broadcaster for. There will be others in the same position I’m very sure. Please make your concerns known to RTE.

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    Mute Louise Hannon Fotos
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    Mar 27th 2014, 1:29 PM

    Dear Frank… You are missing the point completely.. You obviously have never been abused spat on physically attacked in the street, by ignorant yobs because of your identity, or struggled with gender binary when you don’t fit the pattern. Mocking a minority of whatever hue is wrong and perpetuates the stereotype within wider society.. I won’t be watching it any more but that won’t stop abuse happening to trans people, by those who don’t know any better.

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    Mute Mary Morrissey
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    Mar 26th 2014, 9:14 AM

    Didn’t see it – don’t want to see it – Catherine lynch = not funny. I think that’s where the problem lies here, it probably just wasn’t funny – end of argument.

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    Mute Frank Lyspeak
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    Mar 26th 2014, 11:49 PM

    It’s quite funny the fact that people are complaining about the portrayal of a trans character because it’s the laughing stock of The Centre.
    Shouldn’t we then complain about the portrayal of the Traveler community, the fact that the first communion is all about money, the TD who allegedly had a fling with an underage girl and many other things. Why aren’t people complaining about that?
    If you don’t like it don’t watch it.
    How about the ‘Wrestlers’ ad where the two kids catch their parents in a middle of the ‘wrestling scene’?
    The ad is still on, surely that’s more offensive.
    There are ads or programmes I don’t like so guess what I do? I DON’T WATCH.

    Get a life, TENI.

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    Mute Keith Mills
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    Mar 26th 2014, 1:05 PM

    The only criticism that any comedy show should get is to whether it’s funny or not. By it’s nature comedy is going to offend some people.

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    Mute Anthony Byrne
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    Mar 26th 2014, 9:01 PM

    For fcuk sake !

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    Mute John Harrington
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    Apr 1st 2014, 12:38 PM

    The Centre is really an awful show. It is an equal opportunities insulter. It is not funny; there are no characters just stereotypes. Its handling of the Transgender character is proof enough of this. And can anyone solve the mystery of why Katherine Lynch keeps getting shows on RTE, she is not funny.

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