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MY WIFE AND I had a miscarriage a few years back and that was how I first became aware of this taboo.
Previously, I had thought that miscarriages were not that common. I realised then that they are extremely common but just not talked about in our society.
I wanted to know why this life-changing, emotionally devastating event – resulting in a great sense of loss – comes with a huge social pressure to keep it under wraps, almost like it’s an embarrassing secret.
I only ever had one conversation about the miscarriage with a work colleague and that was in order to coordinate time off and other work logistics.
I do not think we would have discussed the topic otherwise and even at that we conversed almost in dark shadows for fear anyone would know the content of our short discussion.
I know men are not great at talking about emotional issues but maybe that is something that needs to change too!
Personally what I felt after our miscarriage was that I wanted, almost needed to talk to people about it.
There was a profound sadness in the loss of our potential son or daughter that was necessary for us to share. There should have been an acknowledgement of what had happened and the anguish in our lives.
Then I was surprised to discover that friends and family members had gone through the same thing previously and I hadn’t known about it.
These were major events in their lives but society had deemed the topic was off-limits.
Perhaps it is understandable that deciding to terminate a pregnancy may well be something that people feel uncomfortable talking openly about it.
But miscarriages are part of nature – they just happen. There is no reason whatsoever to be ashamed or embarrassed. So why is this subject taboo?
Maybe that is an overhang from our past, remember that 50 years ago virtually anything to do with the procreation of our species was a forbidden topic of conversation.
The problem is that miscarriages can provoke feelings of guilt and cause parents to question whether they did something wrong, which of course they didn’t. That is why they need to be talked about.
I believe it is unhealthy to suppress the emotions that come with a miscarriage.
The truth is that miscarriages are completely common. It is estimated that 10% to 25% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages with the actual number estimated to exceed these figures. Happily, most women who have miscarriages do go on to become pregnant again and have a healthy child.
I remember a few years ago when Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan announced that she was expecting a baby. The couple then revealed for the first time that she had previously experienced three miscarriages. They were applauded for their openness in bringing the commonality of miscarriages to the fore.
That made me wonder though – why did this topic need a famous ambassador to tell people that it is ok to talk about it?
The grieving process after a miscarriage can be an uncertain time. People can find it difficult to grieve the loss of someone that they have never seen. A considerable amount of your emotional reaction will depend on your spiritual views on life – when it begins and what constitutes a human loss.
We received a range of different reactions from people. Some people gave me a pat on the back as a ‘hard luck’ gesture and that was it. Others grieved with us openly.
Some people, touchingly, gave us reminders to hang up for the ‘soul’ that didn’t make it but who they felt would be watching over us.
Some others were expecting a funeral service for the life that was lost.
It can be hard to know where exactly to fit in on that spectrum yourself. I found that difficult. Should I have simply moved on? Did I cry enough? Should we perhaps have had a funeral service?
I think the importance of allowing miscarriages to be discussed in an open and honest way cannot be overemphasized.
It is difficult enough that you are going through the experience with all the confused emotions that are aligned with it, the misguided guilt, the loss, the remorse and the misconceptions.
The way to deal with these emotions effectively is not by hiding them or pushing them away, we should not feel ashamed to talk about miscarriages openly.
I still don’t know why the subject of miscarriage is taboo. Do you?
Let’s break the silence.
Darragh Quinn is a freelance writer, see darraghquinn.com
It’s not a taboo and you answered your own question in the article. Each individual reacts different just like many things in life.
Strange article.
Miscarriages are a difficult subject because people may not want to share their grief or medical details.
Also, miscarriages are acknowledged as a personal tragedy but abortions are just dandy, according to those in charge of society. Acknowledging the pain of the former is acknowledging the the latter is not simply another medical procedure like having a veruka removed.
@Goban Saor: Cheap dig to get your view across. Noone believes an abortion is that inconsequential. Dandy, honestly?
@Goban Saor: “Acknowledging the pain of the former is acknowledging the the latter is not simply another medical procedure like having a veruka removed.”
Tell that to the “pro life” crowd. They seem to think it’s the same as wearing a condom.
It stems from a fear of upsetting someone like with any form of grief. The easier thing to do is say nothing so that’s what most people do. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s what people do.
I don’t agree at all with a miscarriage being taboo. I had one some years ago between other pregnancies but I didn’t tell people other than close family as they wouldn’t have known I was pregnant. It’s just not something you shout about from the rooftops but not because it’s taboo. More because it’s personal and people deal with it differently
@@UK: We had 2 miscarriages. Typically couples don’t share with the world that they are pregnant until after the 1st trimester. The majority of miscarriages happen in the 1st trimester. It’s not about taboo.
Much of Irelands attitudes to sex, pregnancy etc are from decades of teachings from the church. Sex was seen as dirty, pregnant women were seen as unclean and even after birth had to be “churched”. Anything outside of that was hardly spoken about. Some people still see women who have had miscarriages has failed women (a disgusting view to have)
We are very very slowly moving on from these views and our attitudes to miscarriages must change too.
@Barry Somers: you are so wrong. The women/couples involved just lost their child, most people will be very upset about this and will grieve as is their need.
Blame the church says Barry
@Barry Somers: You are of course so right! Those two numbskulls are obviously too young or too ignorant to see that. Women of a certain era were made feel ashamed of their own bodies and it was filtered down to their daughters. I am breaking that cycle with my daughter. It did indeed come from the church.
@Barry Somers: Those are probably your views seeing as you’re the only one who brought it up buddy
@samstheman: Your mother was very lucky and indeed i’m sure there was lots of strong women who didn’t let anything quash their need to express their loss but that doesn’t take from Barry’s comment at all. Or mine.
@Barry Somers:
The practice of Churching women after childbirth was dropped in the sixties, after the Second Vatican Council over 50 years ago.
@samstheman: someone I know very well, now in her 50s, had a miscarriage in the 1980s. It took until the 2000s before she opened up about it precisely because she felt as if she was a failed person. Even as a teenager in the 90s, I grew up surrounded by people who would refuse to talk about the concept of miscarriages and believed if you had one, then God was punishing you for something you must have done. I heard similar as recent as just a couple of years ago, albeit by a religious loon. It’s great that those you know didn’t feel that societal pressure, but please don’t use your anecdotes as representative of the whole country.
@Aine O Connor: and it takes about that time to fully eradicate strongly held and pushed beliefs in a society.
@Aine O Connor: Wrong
@Barry Somers: who’s attitude needs to change? There is no taboo – it’s an individuals or couple choice if they wish discuss their abortion with no one, close family/friends or the whole world….. there is no restriction on who they tell…
@Rob Cahill:
I am not wrong. I had 3 children in the sixties and I never received that Blessing.
7/5/2003…i was devastated…you never forget….went on to have beautiful son in 2004….i never really spoke about it…
@Jacqui Curtis-owens: My sincerest sympathy, if you cope best by not talking then do whatever works for you. When my wife had a miscarriage about 25 years ago this was what she did initially because it was what was expected. It didn’t help her, she needed to talk about our baby, and eventually began to. We found however it made some people uncomfortable and one point she blurted out that she didn’t have a miscarriage, we did. Up until that point nobody acknowledged that I had suffered a loss too. We found that that, while, of course, mothers grieve terribly it’s forgotten that fathers lose a wanted baby too. Very often they’re trying to support their partners as much as possible and, as society expects, and don’t know how to react or grieve.
Subject is still taboo because to acknowledge how precious and heartbreaking the death of a son or daughter in the womb is – is to acknowledge how horrific the intentional killing of such a child is. And that wouldnt suit -now would it?
@Ismise Máire: it was taboo long before discussions about abortion started. And if it’s still taboo to grieve for the loss of a much wanted and expected child. That was a fairy weak shot. and cheap.
@Marie Broomfield: Don’t expect any shame on their part.. bloody parasites have none.
Thanks for sharing. Great article. It didn’t seem like a taboo in your situation as your community did acknowledge you and your partners loss. Taboo is too strong a word. The condemnation or the shame or whatever is was is no longer coming from society or religion. The only remnant is our own individual uncomfortableness talking about the issue and it’s up to us not to whisper in corners about it. You have done that so fair dues to you. Sorry for your loss. I believe you will meet again one day.
I had a few miscarriages but I never felt the need to keep them a secret. Granted it would only be friends and family but that’s fine as at times like that a woman needs the support of the people who care about her.
One point I would make though is that I will never forget the trauma each time followed by the grieving process . There are about 10,000 miscarriages in Ireland every year.
Describing something as “taboo” surely helps to keeps it “taboo”??
It is best to describe miscarriages as “private”, that is, like many other events, they are none of your or my business, unless those affected decide to make it so, and it is not our place to force project our care and concern beyond letting someone know that we are there for them.
Ah sure get over it will ye. It’s only a fetus and not a real baby according to some on here.
I had a misscarrige on our first child and found it very very hard to talk about losing our first child .But I do agree it is part of nature . I began to talk about it and I was astonished at how many of my friends and family went through misscarrige .No shame or taboo it so hard to talk about it x
I don’t think it’s taboo but also it’s a deeply personal and private thing for some people so they don’t want to talk about it out and open. Or it takes them time to be able to. Slightly different to losing another person you love as you have to involve other people in that process (funeral, informing friends and other family) with a miscarriage it is all up to the couple as to how, when and if they want to tell people. I know some who were happy enough to talk about it a few months later and others who didn’t want to mention it ever again. Both reactions are allowed.
The only thing I would say is about being mindful of who you are talking to and their own situation. I’ve experienced first hand being pregnant and being told about a horrible late term miscarriage by someone. Now I have complete sympathy for them in their loss but telling a pregnant woman (who wouldn’t be that close to you) about it all is as insensitive as people ignoring the deep loss of a miscarriage.
Another stupid headline. Miscarriage is not a taboo subject.
Another rediculous headline. Misscarraige is not a taboo subject.
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