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MY PHONE VIBRATED on the bedside locker. Picking it up, I saw her name, and sobered up immediately. ”There’s nothing to talk about,” her text read. “It’s over.”
That abrupt message was sent by my now ex, after three days of radio silence.
Her lack of communication had begun without warning, and upon reading that message, it became clear that her sudden refusal to communicate was her way of ending our relationship.
To say it hurt would be an understatement. It was, in my view, the coward’s way out. For months after the break-up, I continued to wonder why she left, what I could have done wrong and whether there was someone else.
To use that awful American phrase, I longed for closure.
Looking for answers
Back to the present day and I’m reading online that former One Direction star Zayn Malik has dumped his fiancée, Little Mix’s Perrie Edwards, via text.
With this, the anger, the unanswered questions and the endless replaying of Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger on my MP3 player (choon!) all come flooding back.
And so, as I read the details of their break-up, I fully empathise with what Perrie must be going through. I also can’t help but wonder how Malik could believe that a text message was an appropriate way in which to end a three-year relationship.
And so I decide, ironically perhaps, to look to technology for my answer – Facebook to be exact.
The responses I get to the question I post on my profile are interesting, to say the least.
While many who comment admit they’d be too cowardly to break up with someone in person, others go a step further and claim that breaking up with their partner online gave the dumpee “more control’” over the situation.
“Rather than having to put on a brave face, or losing the head, a text gives the person being broken up with the time to collect themselves and decide how they want respond,” says Sarah, who says she’d in fact prefer to be broken up with online.
Despite my initial belief that a break-up should always be carried out face-to-face, her logic makes me pause for thought.
After all, isn’t listening to the reasons why your partner wants to leave you a little excruciating, not to mention humiliating, if you find yourself crying a river? Is being dumped by text in fact a caring gesture on your ex’s behalf?
Making things less awkward
Speaking of tears, should someone be vilified for wanting to avoid the drama that an in person break-up inevitably brings? And is a dumpee’s demand for a face-to-face explanation really going to heal the heartache?
Looking at break-ups from another viewpoint, can something that’s so often fraught with mixed emotions and indecisiveness really be controlled? Isn’t a break-up too fluid a process? Can’t break-ups just, well, happen?
“I accidentally broke up with someone through text,” another Facebook friend weighs in. “I sent the cliché ‘we need to talk message’ and he replied ‘are you breaking up with me?’ In a panic I replied ‘yeah’ and we haven’t spoken since.”
According to a study conducted by US money saving brand VoucherCloud, more than half (56%) of those who went through a break up in 2013, ended their relationship digitally – whether over text message, social media or email.
The majority (55%) who ended their relationship via text message explained that it made the process “less awkward”, while more than half (58%) of those who broke up over email claimed that they had chosen the method as it allowed them to “fully explain their reasons”.
Tellingly, however, when asked if they themselves would be annoyed if dumped over text or email, 73% answered in the affirmative, saying it’d be “too impersonal”.
Lack of respect
While there were no warning signs that my relationship was on the rocks, reports that Malik had cheated on Edwards in the months leading up to his now infamous break-up text were rife.
With this in mind, when there are red flags such as bad behaviour before a break-up, are those of us who stay in the relationship partly to blame for our partners’ lack of respect in dumping us?
Whether you think the length of a relationship should dictate the manner in which a person is broken up with, or feel that a faceless break-up is inexcusable no matter the circumstance, breaking up is never easy – for either party.
Sure, there will be partners who have zero empathy and feel no guilt before pressing that send button, but is such a heartless individual really the type of person that you want to be in a relationship with in any event?
It is a fact of life that all good (and sometimes not so good) things come to an end, and our relationships are no exception.
Perhaps the best thing that we can do in order to avoid being dumped unpleasantly and unexpectedly is to monitor the health of our relationship through effective communication and find the strength to walk away if we are unhappy – before our other half beats us to it on Facebook chat.
Christine Allen is 27 and has just completed a three-year IT course at DCU. Her writing has been published by Gay Community News and DIVA magazine. You can follow her on Twitter here.
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I think that if you still have respect for the other person you will at least do them the honour of taking the time to end a relationship in person.
Text message is okay for fleeting affairs that you don’t really care about.
It’s an immature and cowardly way to end a relationship
Nope.
Believing and hoping the other party will change their mind is immature and cowardly.
Once, I came back to an empty flat and a letter on the mantelpiece. The boyfriend left me a stack of newspapers opened at pages with headlines which added insult to injury, but as far as I am concerned they are welcome to each other.
It’s not the last relationship that is important, it’s the next one.
Mindfulness.
I’ll take you out for a quart of overpriced Australian beer sometimes and cheer you up Paul. You can pick up the tab.
Paul , I like the last part if your comment , very meaningful .
If someone dumps you by text message then you haven’t exactly lost a valuable person in your life though have you???
Personally I think I would prefer to be dumped by text for the reasons mentioned above like being able to collect my thoughts and formulate my response better but if you’re engaged to someone and/or living with them like Zayn and Perry were then I think that’s just really spineless to dump someone over text. If your relationship was that serious then the person being dumped at least deserves to be able to have a conversation about it!
Breaking up online or by text is really only less awkward for the dumper . They don’t want to deal with the fallout . As they are exiting the relationship I suppose this stands to reason. Regardless it is cowardly especially when you have been in a relationship for a long time . I think you do owe them a goodbye face to face . I broke up with someone by text . Or more accurately re broke up . I had initially been pursuaded to give it another go but immediately knew I could never go through with second try . I do regret it . I didn’t want to cause pain but I did. To be brutally honest I just wanted to move on. It’s not really just the dumpees fault for staying in a relationship with red flags everywhere. It’s the dumpers fault too for not communicating they were no longer happy with the way things were. There’s no easy way but I think being brave and honest and accepting responsibility is probably the best way. You may be dumping someone but at least if you do it in person they know you respected them and what you had with them and it meant something. They meant something. That they weren’t disposable .
Too long to read
And I apologise for my lack of patience Catherine, I read your post and very true and well written.
Explain?
“Being dumped by text was heartbreaking, but I can see why people do it”
I can’t – can’t see it as anything less than gutless.
I’m not sure if this is a generational thing but there are certain people who find it easier to live their life online. They would never dream of saying some things directly to someone’s face but will rant and rave in a text message or email. I think it’s a cowardly way to end a relationship but if this is the way someone decides to treat you maybe you’re better off without them.
Brings back memories of a previous boyfriend who I was with for 2 years who panicked after we planned to get engaged. He went AWOL for a few days and then sent me a text to say he was going on a blind date. I replied “are you kidding” and he didn’t text back. He didn’t answer my calls either. I was flummoxed and devastated. After a month had passed I borrowed a phone and rang him and asked him how the blind date went. He was so shocked to hear me he couldn’t answer. I called him a coward and b@stard and told him to f@ck off and if he sees me on the street he better hide cos I won’t be responsible for what I will do to him….. I was never going to do anything but I sure had fun watching him squirm whenever we ran into one another
Whatever about breaking up with someone by text, the texts that follow a break up can be quite harrowing.
so true , then you just keep reading them over and over again !
It’s not you: it’s me!
Toodle do!
It’s cowardly, when you put time in to a relationship at least give it enough respect when wanting to break it tell the person to their face.
When new forms of communication come along, why are people surprised when people use it?
People aren’t but it doesn’t mean it’s appropriate. Intimacy, true intimacy, requires honesty and a willingness to embrace the consequences. A “breakup” conversation requires a very difficult sharing. But it is a sharing which stretches and shapes both parties. Avoidance is just that. Text messaging is just that. And it means you avoid both the “pain”, the learning and possibly the self discovery.
It’s still a bona fide medium of expression in my view. Many get tongue tied and brain freeze in the heat of the moment and it all comes out wrong, or nothing at all comes out through fear.
Doesn’t really matter how it’s done, you acknowledge their decision.. ask no questions. Then walk and never look back.
I both did it and had it done to me at the same time. He lived in Waterford and I in Kilkenny and it seems we both decided it wasn’t working and texted each other on the same day. Kinda raging he texted first when I was just about to pick up my phone to text him haha
yeah I’m sure you were Gavin ! I believe you !
I’m sensing sarcasm?
not at all Gavin !
Women get so emotional, I just can’t stand the grief.
Easier to send a text.
Their friends will help them through the crisis.
im surprised at the amount of adults that are affected by a teen problem. look who wrote the article for gods sake
how is it a teen problem ? the author is 27 , she’s not a teenage either ?
yep crying over kelly clarkson and checking out the break up online of the one direction guy is so so mature.now if you Will excuse me there is a Taylor swift concert on tv
Hit , enjoy the concert , ya can’t beat teenage crushes !
Oh, teenage loving was so so good.
Breaking up by email is perfectly fine if you are respectful, honest, clear, and have solid genuine reasons.
They have no choice…. That is their method of communication …. As they never leave their abode any way.. Most have never seen the sun set or rise….
texts and any form of non face to face communication is always the cowards way out in these situations don’t care what anyone says
I send, you receive….Communication process complete..
So the author really had no idea why she was given a digital P45…I’ve never met her but I’ve already got a few ideas after reading that article
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