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Dublin: 5 °C Sunday 15 December, 2019

6 essential rules that every Irish person should follow

Don’t sit beside me if there are other free seats on the bus. Just don’t do it.

IF WE RULED the world, paths would be conveyor belts.

Mattress testing would be a course on the CAO.

Listen, there are a lot of things that would be different if we made the rules around here.

And in this little fantasy of ours, all of our little proposals for public life would be obeyed. If we all got a petition going on these, there’s nothing we couldn’t achieve.

(Oh and PS – if you’ve got any suggestions of your own for this wondrous utopia, you know what to do…)

1. 100 years of solitude

Proposed rule: If you walk onto a bus and there are plenty of available seats, you are henceforth no longer allowed to plonk yourself down beside someone sitting there alone, minding their own business. Just don’t do it. It’s called personal space, and its value trebles the moment you step onto public transport. Sling yer hook.

BUS Source: Flickr/sushipumpum

2. Pay it forward

Proposed rule: Speaking of the bus – citizens of Ireland must always express gratitude to the bus driver upon alighting from the bus. Always. Without fail. (If for some reason you forget or can’t say thanks, you must feel a bit guilty about it for at least five minutes.)

BUSSS Source: Darren Hall/Flickr

3. Rules help control the fun

Proposed rule: No skipping of queues. Ever. And no, not even at 3am in the queue to get chips.

No skipping the queue: The six police dogs wait patiently in an orderly line to receive their food. Source: Imgur

4. I just called to say…

Proposed rule: You know with these newfangled phones we have, we’ll see that you called. You can text us. Just please – don’t leave a voicemail. Not that.

holdme Source: Giphy

5. Double dipping

Proposed rule: If the house is to receive a tin of fancy and/or good biscuits, the first layer must be entirely consumed before the second layer is broached. Those who are found snaking down into the second layer to spirit away the nicer biscuits before the top layer is finished will be liable to pay a fine.

bvn Source:

6. Doodle dawdle

Proposed rule: For the love of God, have your money ready when you reach the top of a long queue. What did you think was going to happen once you got there?

time Source: Giphy

Got any other essential rules for Irish people in public? Leave ‘em down below. Be nice now.

Proposed rule: bin your gum when you’re done. It’s as big a no-no as anything mentioned above – in fact definitely more so, as it really is against the law. It is litter and should be considered as such by everyone. Incorrect disposal of chewing gum is a serious issue for many local authorities. Be sound and avoid a €150 litter fine for yourself. Find out more at

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