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Dublin: 21 °C Wednesday 12 August, 2020

8 of the most bizarre things you can buy online right now

From earthworm jerky to bacon-scented beard oil.

Image: Amazon

ONLINE SHOPPING IS one of the greatest things about the modern world. It also carries a high risk of regrets.

Whether it’s buying something totally unnecessary when you stayed up too late with the laptop, or just making an unfortunate decision… mistakes are surprisingly easy to make.

And this is made even trickier by the incredible range of objects on sale around the world, promising to solve problems that – in many cases – you didn’t even know you had.

The good news is that returning purchases you regret has never been easier. The bad news is that the range of temptingly weird gadgets is growing all the time.

So we’ve rounded up some of the best for your consideration:

1. A gun that shoots condiments at your food (€21)

condiment_gun_3_designist_lr_grande Source: Designist

Have you spent too long not worrying about the possibility of someone in your house shooting mustard in your eye? Fear not, the excitement/terror of that can all be arranged.

This ‘cartoon-like condiment gun‘ comes with two reusable colour-coded cartridges so that you don’t mix up your favourite sauces. Keep this item well away from anyone the age of 10, who may insist on destroying your kitchen with it.

2. Turntables for your favourite feline (€23)

slide_388578_4686788_free Source: Amazon

Reckon your cat fancies themselves as a real Catvin Harris/deadmau5? Or they just won’t stop scratching the living daylights out of the couch legs? Either way, these kitty-friendly turntables could be the answer.

Except for the fact that cats don’t really have an understanding of what turntables are, how to DJ or that this has been bought specifically for them to scratch their claws on. In fact, one confused cat customer didn’t really do much but lick it.

3. A fog-free shower mirror with squeegee (€23)

1459877443_2259 Source: Amazon

Just in case you’ve ever felt compelled to watch yourself make the awful mistake of washing your face with bar soap undeterred by steam on the mirror, there is a perfect product available for you.

This fog-free mirror is designed to give you visibility for all your face-washing and face-shaving needs, and to do all the things you could usually do while standing in front of your sink – but in your shower. The good news is, it even comes with a free squeegee.

4. A knife that just kind of grates butter (€13)

71JxgMJB2VL._SL1500_ Source: Amazon

Accidentally ripping bread by trying to spread fridge-cold butter onto it is extremely irritating but this stainless steel knife claims to “shred even the hardest butter into delightful thin ‘noodles’ of easily spreadable butter”.

Noodles of butter doesn’t really sound like the epitome of delicious breakfast dining and we’re not even that convinced that having a load of grated, hard butter would make it any easier to get onto your toast. Return this immediately.

5. Cruelty-free, bacon-scented beard oil (€17)

61dl-UsvjmL._SY679_ Source: Amazon

Nothing attracts the ladies (or lads) like the smell of bacon emanating from the thick hair on your chin and around your mouth. As this beard oil‘s site eloquently states, it’s “full of smoky, salty and savory notes [...] gentlemen, try not to eat your beard off.”

If you really love bacon, there is absolutely no need to rub a vegan oil version of it into your facial hair – step away from your computer and just throw some rashers on, everyone around you will thank you.

6. A book to teach you how to make things out of cat hair (€9)

9781594745256 Source: Amazon

Has your cat been losing more and more hair ever since you presented it with a full DJ desk? I bet you’re wondering what to do with all of that cat hair that clogs your hoover. Well, there’s a nauseating answer.

This book encourages you to “transform stray clumps of fur into soft and adorable handicrafts, from kitty tote bags and finger puppets to fluffy cat toys [and] picture frames.” We’d rather it just stayed safely in the hoover to be honest.

7. This (probably indigestible) earthworm jerky (€12)

71GjERTOXML._SL1500_ Source: Amazon

Did you used to watch I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here with severe jealousy that it wasn’t you in the jungle, being forced to swallow kangaroo anus and crocodile eyes for the world’s entertainment? Well, the tables are about to turn.

According to its listing on Amazon, this earthworm jerky is “boiled and dehydrated not fried” and is a “great gift!”. Maybe as a not-so-subtle Kris Kindle for someone you despise?

8. A plastic arm to catch spiders from a safe distance (€17)

71b9-iVPgbL._SL1500_ Source: Amazon

Do you have a monstrous, hairy-legged bathroom resident that loves to pop out at unexpected moments? Well, that terrifying ordeal could be made easier by a plastic arm extension that promises to capture insects without having to squish or anger them.

It claims to catch and remove “spiders, roaches, scorpions (!), flies, crickets, stink bugs, millipedes, centipedes, wasps, [...] bees, moths and more”. However, you’ll still be a mere metre away and they may still fall on your feet. Eek! Stay within a safe distance instead.

Whether you love these items or not, An Post has created a number of brilliant services to simplify your online shopping. ReturnPal takes the stress out of sending back the buys you regret, while AddressPal enables delivery from UK and US companies that don’t ship to Ireland.

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