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AS THE SUMMER break draws almost to a close, how has it been for you and your family?
If like many, you dread the juggle of working and entertaining kids, it can lead to long, exhausting days. When you take a moment to think about it, it is a pretty impossible equation; 24 hours a day you work, cook, be a snack provider, entertain children… there literally aren’t enough hours in the day.
And let’s be clear about work — work for parents is both paid formal employment and unpaid work of keeping a home ticking over.
As mothers in Italy this week pushed for shorter summer breaks, it’s worth looking at ways in which we can at least make the summer a bit more manageable for all.
My experience as a therapist is that summers can be exceptionally long for families with children with additional needs and diagnoses. To have the capacity for your child’s needs and tolerate the parenting that is demanded from you, your self-care is vital. I hope you glean some tips here for the next couple of weeks and hopefully, for future summer breaks.
The summer holidays in Ireland are particularly long compared to those of our fellow parent companions across the water and up north. English holidays are roughly five weeks, while the Scottish are about six weeks; perhaps too short for some and not long enough for others. And whatever you feel about the length of holidays, every parent has their parenting limits, which are often maxed out before the summer even begins.
Whichever camp you fall into (holidays too short, holidays too long) or whether you dance a merry dance between the two, here’s some tips to help ease the mental and logistical load and keep on the right side of those parenting limits.
While the routine of school and afterschool activities can be a whirlwind, when children are out of school, the usual routines are disrupted, and the demands on parents’ time and energy increase significantly. This can be particularly taxing for working parents who must juggle their professional responsibilities with the need to keep their children engaged and entertained.
Burnout can present physically but also emotionally, and it’s important to remember that it’s the quality, not quantity, of your parenting that makes the real difference. A simple way of working out the summer is to ask yourself, “what do I need to do to get through?”.
Remember that you are the most important person in your life and your family. Those around you are at their best because of you. So this means you, realistically (remember there are only so many hours in the day), figuring out what you need, to be well. To do this, think of the things you can do that fill your internal reservoir. This might be a cup of tea alone in the mornings, a walk, catching up with friends, reading, music, the gym, your yoga or pilates class, a morning meditation… even an afternoon nap!
Whatever makes you feel replenished is the thing you’ve to keep going throughout the summer. These moments for you don’t have to cost anything, but if you don’t do them, then they will come at a cost to you and your family. And yes, there are so many reasons why you could use your time to do other things, or why you’re too busy for these things.
But if you don’t mind you, then who will? And we are mirroring how to cope with life and stress to our children too, so there’s another reason to make you a priority. So once you’ve made a little space for you in your life, let’s think about making the logistics work too. And this bit is a bit of a juggle between your needs and the children’s needs, but it’s important to keep at the front of your mind that when you’re OK, children are OK.
Children feel how you feel, so making the logistics work for you is making great headway into making it work for your children too. Are you a person who needs structure and a schedule? Then make one! Even scheduling “free time” for the children might help reduce your stress. Pick certain times/activities/day trips/holidays/games at home that will provide the fun and memorable summer that you’re looking to create.
The pressure to provide a fun and memorable summer can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration, further exacerbating burnout, and make sure that you pick things that you like doing with your children. Secure attachment and happy children are all about families who have fun together. When you’re with the kids, be with the kids distraction-free. Turn off the phone/put it on silent/turn off notifications. That’s easier said than done if you’re waiting for your teen to tell you when they need to be collected, but not impossible, either.
Lean on friends and family. I know people say there’s no parenting village, no tribe, but most people have friends and/or family they can ask for a dig out. Share responsibilities.
Children can also do things that are helpful! Yes, it takes time to show them these skills, but whether it’s loading dishwashers or washing machines, pairing socks, stripping beds or putting clothes into (not around or vaguely in the vicinity of) the wash basket, children can help out. And making sure these are done before screen time can be incredibly motivating too.
And finally – set realistic expectations for yourself and your family. What we’re aiming for is good enough parenting. There is no escaping the fact that children need to spend time with their parents, but this doesn’t have to come at a cost to you. Parenting is time and emotionally consuming, so parent in the way that feels right for you. When you find your good enough spot, it helps your child feel that they are good enough too. Enjoy the last couple of weeks, savour the time as once school kicks back in, we’re all back on the merry-go-round. Go gently.
If you or someone you know needs to talk to somebody professional about this topic, make sure that you go to a qualified and accredited professional. The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy www.iacp.ie has a register of qualified, accredited and experienced counsellors and psychotherapists nationwide.
Bethan O’Riordan, Psychotherapist and author of the Self-Care Planner, how to live a balanced life. www.bethanoriordan.com
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