Skip to content
Support Us

We need your help now

Support from readers like you keeps The Journal open.

You are visiting us because we have something you value. Independent, unbiased news that tells the truth. Advertising revenue goes some way to support our mission, but this year it has not been enough.

If you've seen value in our reporting, please contribute what you can, so we can continue to produce accurate and meaningful journalism. For everyone who needs it.

Tracy and Brendan. COLM QUINN

'I used to have dreams when he was little about him walking and talking. I would wake up sobbing'

It is dangerous and upsetting to wonder what it would be like, if only, writes Tracy McGinnis.

I HAVE A confession to make to my fellow special needs parents. This evening, I broke one of our unspoken cardinal rules. I let my mind wonder what it would be like if my son wasn’t severely disabled.

Twelve years plus into this journey and I know better, but something came over me tonight when I was getting him sorted in his bed. I lost control and it happened.

My mind wandered into that place that can only bring sadness and heartbreak, that place of imagining him with no brain damage, no resulting disabilities, and completely healthy.

It is dangerous to wonder what it would be like, if only.

If only…

I am a mother to two amazing boys: Declan who is 8 and Brendan Bjorn who is 12. Brendan was born with congenital CMV, which has left him severely disabled and medically fragile. He is my angel.

If only that microscopic, common virus (CMV/cytomegalovirus) didn’t enter my body while I was pregnant. If only that virus didn’t cross through the placenta and into his just developing body. If only that virus didn’t attack his brain just as it was forming in the first trimester. If only.

Tonight, I looked down at him in his bed, smiling happily at his favourite teddy. I see his thick, dark brown hair and his beaming blue eyes. I see his high cheekbones and those eyelashes that all the girls drool over. I see his perfectly shaped nose and beautifully smiling mouth. And then it happened.

That was the moment I slipped up and my mind went racing carelessly into the danger-zone of wondering what would it be like.

Imagining a different life for him

unnamed (9)

I imagine him walking and talking, and laughing at winding me up by telling me what happened at school today with a girl he likes.

I imagine him standing at the altar waiting for his soon to be bride as she walks down the aisle toward him. I imagine him looking lovingly at her, the way he always looked at me.

I wondered would he be smart or sporty or both. Would he be well mannered and kind? Would he be interested in maths or science or literature or another subject? Would he be affectionate and open, or quiet and shy? Would he love me as he does today, as he is now?

I wandered where I shouldn’t have and I wondered far too much.

What can never be

I looked back down at him when, with his much loved laughter, he brought me thankfully back to reality. You see, as difficult as this reality is, wondering what it would be like if it were different is even more difficult, because that reality can never happen.

I used to have dreams when he was little about him walking and talking, and I would always wake up sobbing. As the years have passed, those dreams simply don’t happen anymore.

I think that reality seems to have a way of invading even our dreams. But, I also think that it is for self-preservation, for if we let our minds wander into the land of what can never be, we risk losing our footing on this frequently rocky path.

Tracy is a lone parent to two sons, aged 12 and 8. Brendan Bjorn (12) is severely disabled, medically fragile, and has very high palliative care requirements. She works 24/7 as his full-time (unpaid) carer, having had to give up her career as a professional child and family counsellor to care for Brendan. In her blog, Transitioning Angels, she writes about the journey of caring for a fragile child like Brendan. She is active in the special needs community in Ireland, working for reform in services, supports, and care for children with disabilities, and for their family carers. 

download

Readers like you are keeping these stories free for everyone...
A mix of advertising and supporting contributions helps keep paywalls away from valuable information like this article. Over 5,000 readers like you have already stepped up and support us with a monthly payment or a once-off donation.

Close
16 Comments
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute The Todd
    Favourite The Todd
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:12 PM

    Find a candidate who is both charismatic and a genius at stroke politics and deception. You have your TD

    306
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Mick Hannigan
    Favourite Mick Hannigan
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:13 PM

    Class Todd

    100
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Joe Conlon
    Favourite Joe Conlon
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:19 PM

    It’s about time that Chambers learns that politicians are back stabbers and that fairness and integrity doesn’t come into it!!

    169
    See 5 more replies ▾
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Joe
    Favourite Joe
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:23 PM

    They could be wasting their time.

    93
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Louis Jacob
    Favourite Louis Jacob
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:26 PM

    Modus operandi in a nutshell Todd

    55
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute alan donnelly
    Favourite alan donnelly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:04 PM

    Then why does he hire a P.R consultant to bring this in to the media? Hollystown is in Dublinwest. in fact it’s where the convention is going to take place.

    54
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Richard Cynical
    Favourite Richard Cynical
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 10:37 AM

    He fixed de roooad

    32
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Tommy Berry
    Favourite Tommy Berry
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 9:55 PM

    I hate that. Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha

    1
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Tom Red
    Favourite Tom Red
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:26 PM

    No offence David McGuinness ,
    But if the public didn’t want you the first 2 times, then I don’t think it’s going to be 3rd time lucky for you…..

    200
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Peter King
    Favourite Peter King
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:42 PM

    Speaking of people who have been roundly rejected by the electorate multiple times but keep trying to be elected, Fidelma Healy Eames announced today that’ll she’ll be running as an independent.

    121
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Joe Simpson
    Favourite Joe Simpson
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:13 PM

    Thats unfair, he finished second each time for a single seat, in a 4 seater he’s now a shoe in. You’d be upset if you campaigned twice(both hopeless cases) and did the groundwork for the party in the constituency and then when a proper election comes along your place is given to someone else.

    53
    See 3 more replies ▾
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Prince of Burren
    Favourite Prince of Burren
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:21 PM

    I have always heard that your own party is the one that you should watch your back, the gravy train is too attractive looks like nothing is going to change if this is what is going into politics

    57
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Prince of Burren
    Favourite Prince of Burren
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:23 PM

    I have always heard that your own party is the one that you should watch your back, the gravy train is too attractive looks like nothing is going to change if this is what is going into politics. Gods help our country.

    19
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute An Ciarraioch
    Favourite An Ciarraioch
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:31 PM

    Alan – Are there no Caps in FF Dublin ?

    14
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Reg
    Favourite Reg
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:37 PM

    No Fianna Fail TDs in Dublin. Let’s keep it that way!!

    142
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Derek Poutch
    Favourite Derek Poutch
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:16 PM

    Or fg/liebor

    64
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Were Jammin
    Favourite Were Jammin
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:17 PM

    Do my eyes deceive me, FF trying to manipulate a vote?? Say it aint so!

    Don’t worry councillor Chambers, if you lose just get the party to make everybody vote again until you get the answer you want, just like yiz did with Lisbon.

    129
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Shane McGettrick
    Favourite Shane McGettrick
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:36 PM

    Ah bless, its great to see youth given its chance (the youth that coincidentally didn’t need to leave the country to find a job as a teacher, or have the cash to undertake postgrad entry to medicine a la Messers McGuiness and Chambers respectively). It never ceases to amaze me that there are people of my generation, a generation which is better educated, more world weary and ultimately more cynical than ever before, who want to engage in the farce that is Irish politics, and who will fight for the privilege to do so under the aegis of a party which is at the core of the countries near destruction.
    If you want to know just where we are as a people, take a look at Cllr. Chambers twitter feed. The last tweet thanks him for arranging road sweeping. Road sweeping. Truly something requiring the oversight of an elected official, “looking after his constituents” as its put.

    126
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Daryl Walsh
    Favourite Daryl Walsh
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:13 PM

    Jaysus ya know things are tough when your fighting someone to be selected as a FF candidate

    113
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Derek Poutch
    Favourite Derek Poutch
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:15 PM

    Do you really mean it when you say there is actually a ff organisation in dublin west?

    34
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Declan Carr
    Favourite Declan Carr
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:22 PM

    I think it’s safe to say that Paul Donnelly sinn fein will take it this time around.

    104
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Pepper Brooks
    Favourite Pepper Brooks
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 10:39 PM

    He’s been rejected countless times by the electorate too so I wouldn’t be so confident either..

    31
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute The Throwaway
    Favourite The Throwaway
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:21 PM

    Someone hand Chambers a tissue. You seriously mean to tell me that he’s complaining that FF did something unfair, against core values and unjust? What the füćk party did he think he joined? FF isn’t exactly the beacon of good policy and fairness, it’s FF for christs sake.

    90
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute dj dangermouse
    Favourite dj dangermouse
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:13 PM

    Hopefully they’ll row themselves off a cliff.

    79
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute David Fleming
    Favourite David Fleming
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:32 PM

    Two bald men fighting over a comb.

    76
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute alan donnelly
    Favourite alan donnelly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:43 PM

    Terrible to see the posh young chambers fella trying to stop people living in his own constituency from voting in a convention. That’s a great marker for his commitment to democracy. He has more money behind him than integrity.

    63
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Deco James Connolly
    Favourite Deco James Connolly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:21 PM

    Politicians shafting each other, how unusual .

    59
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Louis Jacob
    Favourite Louis Jacob
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:22 PM

    Oh God! Just the sight of them…

    50
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Dave Byrne
    Favourite Dave Byrne
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:30 PM

    FF have no seats in Dublin let’s try and keep it that way,In the unlikely event that the school teacher gets elected will he be giving up the teaching job?

    47
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Cllr Malachy Quinn
    Favourite Cllr Malachy Quinn
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 11:35 PM

    According to a fellow FF Cllr, Chambers is stuffed with monies as both his parents are Consultants looked after by Mary Harney.
    Typical FF carry on- more concerned with themselves rather than the people.

    37
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Martin Bonner
    Favourite Martin Bonner
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 11:03 AM

    Do you have a little bit of Job envy Cllr?
    Or perhaps a bit envious of the work dedication and talent required to become a consultant?

    16
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Martin Bonner
    Favourite Martin Bonner
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 11:06 AM

    Sorry, I just realised you are SF.
    In your utopia, those that have work ethic, talent and dried to become hospital consultants should not be rewarded anything more that a road sweeper would be.

    Long live the Utpoia.

    14
    See 1 more reply ▾
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Patrick Masterson
    Favourite Patrick Masterson
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 2:53 PM

    Joke of a comment,

    2
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Al Ca
    Favourite Al Ca
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:30 PM

    We should give them boxing gloves and let them fight it out for the privilege….not that they’ll get the seat…..but at least we could enjoy them thumping the head off each other.

    37
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Gary Gary
    Favourite Gary Gary
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:19 PM

    I said months ago FF would shaft mcguinness.
    Chambers will get castleknock vote and that’s what gets you elected in Dublin west.
    McGuinness should have defected to Sinn fein years ago.
    He would be more suited to this party him and Paul Donnely could run and win two seats.
    Sinn fein would support him the way FF never have.

    36
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Sarah Molloy
    Favourite Sarah Molloy
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:51 PM

    Chambers won’t get the Castleknock vote. Well certianly not all of it anyway. He’s in his first term as a local representative and has done very little. The ‘castleknock vote’ was Lenihans because he actually gave a damn about us. The Castleknock area has absolutely no representative in Dáil Éireann because the constituency is far too large. Every single TD in this constutuency are too concerned with the goings on in the Mulhuddart/Hartstown areas to even care about the fact that there is a whole other part of this constituency. Personally I believe that Chambers is mentioning this now to get his name out there, so he’s known in the constituency for the election, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to do him any good or gain him any support. If anything it’s completely turned me off voting for him.

    50
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute alan donnelly
    Favourite alan donnelly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:54 PM

    apparently chambers has hired a P.R consultant in the last few days to try and halt convention, that’s what money does.

    34
    See 9 more replies ▾
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute alan donnelly
    Favourite alan donnelly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:03 PM

    McGuinness can think for himself so wouldn’t fit in with the Shinners.

    29
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Gary Gary
    Favourite Gary Gary
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:15 PM

    No he can’t he trots out the FF party rehersed line.
    Also he has been involved in a few scandals that the party HQ might frown apon.

    39
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Gary Gary
    Favourite Gary Gary
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 6:21 PM

    Also Alan you seem like mcguinness’s own or agent :)

    27
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Tommy Berry
    Favourite Tommy Berry
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:00 PM

    Or relation maybe?

    24
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Alain O Donaile
    Favourite Alain O Donaile
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:19 PM

    Gary, that’s David McGuinness’s campaign manager using a fake accounting my name to desperately support his bro. It’s quite hilarious TBH.

    41
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Gary Gary
    Favourite Gary Gary
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:23 PM

    @ the real Alan
    That’s makes sense his posts sounded like a PR agent alright.
    Must be a panic in the mcguinness camp.

    24
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Tommy Berry
    Favourite Tommy Berry
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:47 PM

    Was there some issue around racism in that camp?

    16
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Fergal Connolly
    Favourite Fergal Connolly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 10:21 PM

    He is known in the constituency. He topped the poll in the local election by a distance. He’s doing this now to simply get the chance to run in the election, not “to get his name out there” for the election. It’s one thing for a teenager to misunderstand the selection committee scenarion, but for mindless drones to then like the comment makes very little sense.

    13
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Declan Carr
    Favourite Declan Carr
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 12:23 PM

    Will he do your work as well?

    5
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Patrick O'Brien
    Favourite Patrick O'Brien
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:12 PM

    And this crowd want to run the country!

    36
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Steo Dowd
    Favourite Steo Dowd
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 7:48 PM

    I don’t know the man but being in The party that destroyed the country says all I need to know.

    36
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Martin Smith
    Favourite Martin Smith
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:40 PM

    That’s the seat that lenihan failed to reach to necessary quota to be elected got in as he was last man standing

    30
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Paul Whelan
    Favourite Paul Whelan
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 8:05 PM

    Margret Thacher would have a better chance of getting elected.

    29
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Marian Doherty
    Favourite Marian Doherty
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:46 PM

    David mcguiness is a good man and he’s good for the community I see the good work he does! He deserves this ,

    27
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute alan donnelly
    Favourite alan donnelly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:49 PM

    he has worked as a councillor for years now and is still in his 20s. there is no one else in FF who could finish 2nd in two by-elections.

    28
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Petr Tarasov
    Favourite Petr Tarasov
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 9:02 PM

    FF are gangsters who looted this country.

    40
    See 4 more replies ▾
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Fergal Connolly
    Favourite Fergal Connolly
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 10:15 PM

    Except of course the guy whose seat it was, the one who won the last seat in Dublin for FF. But he was from Castleknock, God forbid.

    5
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Pepper Brooks
    Favourite Pepper Brooks
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 10:41 PM

    How many elections has Paul Donnelly failed to get elected in?

    17
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Alain O Donaile
    Favourite Alain O Donaile
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 12:45 PM

    Fianna Fáil chappies squabbling over who gets their big nose in the trough is the outstanding glaringly obvious end result here. Another exposé of the real mindset of Fianna Failers. This has nothing to do with whats best for their own party, the community or the country, and all simply about a power lust that’s inherent in them . As David’s campaign manager posted recently on social media,in reference to the possibility of David missing out on selection.
    “I’ll be getting my ladders and posters out, because one way or the other, we’ll be running”

    I’m presuming this threat to the FF stalwarts didn’t go unnoticed, and again this attitude is probably whats most symptomatic of what is wrong in politics, The seat is MINE, Mine , all mine.
    ……..Time for the popcorn.

    16
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Gary Gary
    Favourite Gary Gary
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 6:54 PM

    I think the whole Nulty affair left a bad taste in people’s mouths could really effect the McGiinness vote.

    2
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Tod Moneen
    Favourite Tod Moneen
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:27 PM

    Let them both stand.. Hopefully this will split the vote and both remain unelected

    25
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Fergal Connolly
    Favourite Fergal Connolly
    Report
    Feb 24th 2015, 2:02 PM

    Lots and lots of comments on the fact Chambers’ parents are doctors and I couldn’t agree more. After all, all of the best run societies in the world follow a system that shows disdain to the educated.

    Don’t be fooled by the idea that we should judge this charlatan on his merits, I mean come on now- a degree in Law and Political Science from the top university in the country, studying Medicine and winning a local election by a country mile all within 18 months- does this guy think we want intelligence in politics? Pfft.

    It makes far more sense to judge him on what his parent’s do by profession. That’s the real measure of a man.

    In fact I go one further and say it’s high time we indulded in Sinn Fein’s Pol Pot-esque vision and slaughter doctors, other professionals and then their young- sure what can they offer us anyway? Let’s hear it for our own Khmer Rouge! Hip Hip Hooray!

    24
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Caoimhin O Hailpin
    Favourite Caoimhin O Hailpin
    Report
    Feb 24th 2015, 12:34 AM

    nice to see the Fianna Faied priorities have not changed

    22
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute ShinnerbotArgo
    Favourite ShinnerbotArgo
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 4:17 PM

    Bit Ironic seeing your “yes equality” pic.

    1
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Niall Moran
    Favourite Niall Moran
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 10:48 AM

    Chambers is a clown

    16
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Grim Reaper
    Favourite Grim Reaper
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 1:17 PM

    Could not care less about FF gangsters

    13
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute James Horkan
    Favourite James Horkan
    Report
    Feb 23rd 2015, 5:31 PM

    where are members of the Lenihan family

    12
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Mark O'Hagan
    Favourite Mark O'Hagan
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 1:18 PM

    A lot of fighting over who gets to lose their deposit first.

    10
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute RR85
    Favourite RR85
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 1:22 PM

    Hahahaha they’ll be winnin nowt

    10
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute @mdmak33
    Favourite @mdmak33
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 12:30 PM

    Destroy all big parties in election

    9
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Francid Dooley
    Favourite Francid Dooley
    Report
    Feb 24th 2015, 7:32 AM

    Clenched fists …… Are you ducking joking.

    7
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Adrian
    Favourite Adrian
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 5:31 PM

    Seeing Fianna fail and that photo of yer man with his hand up, i’m getting an image of a bunch of eejits you’d find in a father ted episode. And i’d say i wouldn’t be far off!

    2
    Install the app to use these features.
    Mute Nicholas
    Favourite Nicholas
    Report
    Feb 25th 2015, 10:58 AM

    who cares?

    1
Submit a report
Please help us understand how this comment violates our community guidelines.
Thank you for the feedback
Your feedback has been sent to our team for review.
JournalTv
News in 60 seconds