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Tracy and Brendan. COLM QUINN

'I used to have dreams when he was little about him walking and talking. I would wake up sobbing'

It is dangerous and upsetting to wonder what it would be like, if only, writes Tracy McGinnis.

I HAVE A confession to make to my fellow special needs parents. This evening, I broke one of our unspoken cardinal rules. I let my mind wonder what it would be like if my son wasn’t severely disabled.

Twelve years plus into this journey and I know better, but something came over me tonight when I was getting him sorted in his bed. I lost control and it happened.

My mind wandered into that place that can only bring sadness and heartbreak, that place of imagining him with no brain damage, no resulting disabilities, and completely healthy.

It is dangerous to wonder what it would be like, if only.

If only…

I am a mother to two amazing boys: Declan who is 8 and Brendan Bjorn who is 12. Brendan was born with congenital CMV, which has left him severely disabled and medically fragile. He is my angel.

If only that microscopic, common virus (CMV/cytomegalovirus) didn’t enter my body while I was pregnant. If only that virus didn’t cross through the placenta and into his just developing body. If only that virus didn’t attack his brain just as it was forming in the first trimester. If only.

Tonight, I looked down at him in his bed, smiling happily at his favourite teddy. I see his thick, dark brown hair and his beaming blue eyes. I see his high cheekbones and those eyelashes that all the girls drool over. I see his perfectly shaped nose and beautifully smiling mouth. And then it happened.

That was the moment I slipped up and my mind went racing carelessly into the danger-zone of wondering what would it be like.

Imagining a different life for him

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I imagine him walking and talking, and laughing at winding me up by telling me what happened at school today with a girl he likes.

I imagine him standing at the altar waiting for his soon to be bride as she walks down the aisle toward him. I imagine him looking lovingly at her, the way he always looked at me.

I wondered would he be smart or sporty or both. Would he be well mannered and kind? Would he be interested in maths or science or literature or another subject? Would he be affectionate and open, or quiet and shy? Would he love me as he does today, as he is now?

I wandered where I shouldn’t have and I wondered far too much.

What can never be

I looked back down at him when, with his much loved laughter, he brought me thankfully back to reality. You see, as difficult as this reality is, wondering what it would be like if it were different is even more difficult, because that reality can never happen.

I used to have dreams when he was little about him walking and talking, and I would always wake up sobbing. As the years have passed, those dreams simply don’t happen anymore.

I think that reality seems to have a way of invading even our dreams. But, I also think that it is for self-preservation, for if we let our minds wander into the land of what can never be, we risk losing our footing on this frequently rocky path.

Tracy is a lone parent to two sons, aged 12 and 8. Brendan Bjorn (12) is severely disabled, medically fragile, and has very high palliative care requirements. She works 24/7 as his full-time (unpaid) carer, having had to give up her career as a professional child and family counsellor to care for Brendan. In her blog, Transitioning Angels, she writes about the journey of caring for a fragile child like Brendan. She is active in the special needs community in Ireland, working for reform in services, supports, and care for children with disabilities, and for their family carers. 

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16 Comments
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    Mute Kevin Higgins
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:34 AM

    Worst. Cycle. Ever

    176
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    Mute Jackie Caruana
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:36 AM

    I can well believe it! Keep safe!

    60
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    Mute Kevin Higgins
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    Oct 6th 2014, 8:06 AM

    That’s up to the cars driving past me

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    Mute A2 Poster
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    Oct 6th 2014, 9:49 AM

    Ooh you lost us, Kev

    39
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    Mute mcgoo
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:35 AM

    Rough night lad. I guess the summer is over then.

    148
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    Mute Sam Bartell
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:39 AM

    For defo. Even moved the coal bunker closer to the back door, time to stack up methinks.

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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:45 AM

    Remember the proposed Eircodes won’t help reporting storm damage to utility companies or County Councils at all.

    Loc8 codes on the other hand will allow any one to report faults to +/- 6m.

    IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO CHANGE THE CODE. DON’T LET THE GOVERNMENT PANDER TO VESTED INTERESTS AND GIVE US A POSTCODE ONLY USEFUL FOR JUNK MAILERS AND PROPERTY / WATER TAX.

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    Mute Irish Steven
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:47 AM

    Whaaat you talkin bout Willis??

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    Mute Alien8
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:48 AM

    Let it lie! I reported an outage last night and ESB were back within half an hour. Well done, and no loc8 required.

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    Mute Jackie Caruana
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:49 AM

    ‘Fraid you lost me there.

    41
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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:51 AM

    Talkin about an easier, more accurate, quiker way to report storm damage any where on the island of Ireland north or south to an accuracy of 6 meters ☺

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    Mute Amy gaffney
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    Oct 6th 2014, 7:55 AM

    Sure can’t all these fancy smart phones give ya GPS coordinates if ya need them.

    48
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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 8:07 AM

    Yep and there are many confusing ways to report the result. Degrees, Minutes, Seconds, Decimal Degrees, +/- Degrees, Old Irish Grid, New Irish Grid etc etc.

    Loc8 is 3,6 or 8 digits long depending on accuracy you wish to report. 8 digit version has built in error checking.

    You really should check them out on http://www.loc8code.ie

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    Mute Gabbi Johnson
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    Oct 6th 2014, 8:25 AM

    do you work for loc8.code.ie?

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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 8:34 AM

    @ Gabbi No I’m a private citizen and small business owner who is sick of poor navigation in this country.

    No financial or other beneficial interest in Loc8 other than an admiration of the simplicity and sophistication of the solution and its potential to revolutionise navigation for citizens, businesses and visitors alike and the contribution they can make to emergency services.

    Also Loc8 meet the requirements of the original Postcodes Working Group from 2005 before they were trun out the window. Eircodes only meet 11% of requirements.

    Taken to lobbying politicians, business leaders, and general public with like minded individuals who assist with their skills.

    Genuine altruistic motives.

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    Mute John Rabbett
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    Oct 6th 2014, 9:53 AM

    You want me to use Loc8, a system that I have to set up myself, as opposed to using the free system that is free.

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    Mute Gary Delaney
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    Oct 6th 2014, 9:55 AM

    Hi Gabbi,

    I am the CEO of Loc8 Code – also the developer – can I help?

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    Mute Gary Delaney
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    Oct 6th 2014, 9:59 AM

    Hi John,

    you cannot use wghat does not exist!
    Loc8 exists and has been in use for over 4 years – ues it on the web, on Garmins, in smartphone apps and other options to come – or don’t;- it’s and elective system so your choice!

    9
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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 10:09 AM

    What free system are you talking about ?

    The €25,000,000 Eircode system that is unproven and useless for reporting a downed power line. How is €25,000,000 free and how much will the constant free updates cost to keep the database on your satnav up to date.

    Download the FREE Point8 app from Google Play store if you have an android (some bugs in it at the moment) or the iOS app that costs €4.49 but won’t cost you anything after that.

    Enjjoy :)

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    Mute John Rabbett
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    Oct 6th 2014, 10:15 AM

    I have reported downed powerline many times in the past and will do in the future, never used or needed Loc8 to do it, and always had a prompt response from the ESB.

    Get Lost, my sat nav is free to update. I don’t have an Android phone, no interest in Apple toys.

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    Mute Gary Delaney
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    Oct 6th 2014, 11:12 AM

    John so please continue doing as you did before but just to be clear;- Eircode will not be able to help you unless powerlines get letterboxes!

    11
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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 12:47 PM

    @ John satnav companies are moving towards free maps but the problems is the Eircodes will require a database of 2.5 million addresses to be accessed via a database. This database will have to be on your satnav or you will have to talk to it over the air.

    Loc8 codes use a computer algorithm so 50 lines of code in a device or an app allow you to create or navigate to a Loc8 code so for example buy a Garmin and you can navigate to Loc8 codes for ever.

    The government had bulk mailers on the postcode working group, it is in their interest to have a database so they can target mails more easily but databases are very expensive to produce and maintain. So a few scenarios are likely with Eircodes.

    1. You satnav company will charge you for updates for Ireland because they have been charged.
    2. Your satnave company will not bother to support Eircodes which is looking like the case because there is not a business case for them to recoup their software engineering time and database access costs.
    3. Highly unlikely, the government will give the satnav companies the database for free. and you get free maps.

    The fact that Eircodes rely on a database is the key no database lookup no location information.

    Loc8 has the LAT/LON coded into it and does not need a database EVER.

    I think the government and postcode consortium think they will have a cash cow with everyone wanting to use the database with businesses paying €5,000 per seat for access. It’s not going to happen and we should look at the Danish model where there is a national addressing agency and all information is free to all users.

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    Mute Adrienne Lyons
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    Oct 6th 2014, 10:00 AM

    Was looking forward so much to Love Hate. Bang on 9.25 it went. I thought it was my fella flicking the switch to wind me up. Came back around ten. I then felt bad about moaning when I thought about all our homeless on streets

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    Mute Veronica
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    Oct 6th 2014, 3:34 PM

    Fair play to ESB & all emergency out in last nights atrocious weather; it cant have been easy for them esp esb crews with the high winds we had… credit where credit is due..

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    Mute Mack John
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    Oct 6th 2014, 8:32 AM

    http://WWW.openpostcode.org works even better no database to worry about, and can be scaled up for the rest of the world, Gary I do believe it was a pity that loc8 was overlooked in the past but DO YOU HAVE TO SHOUT IT’S MONDAY MORNING, what happens if the power goes in crosshaven will loc8 still work, or is database on different servers.

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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 8:38 AM

    Don’t think Gary is up yet but I’m sure he can answer for himself. loc8 doesn’t use a database it uses an algorithm, big difference.

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    Mute Get Lost Eircodes
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    Oct 6th 2014, 8:40 AM

    Storm damage not too bad up here in Kildare BTW

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    Mute Gary Delaney
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    Oct 6th 2014, 9:38 AM

    Were you looking for me Mack John?
    I think you may be just a little misinformed:
    1. Everyone that speaks in favour of Loc8 is not me and there are thousands of Loc8 Code supporters!
    2. Loc8 needs no database to operate – surely you know that after 4 years of Loc8 Codes being in general use and available on Garmin satnavs!
    3. Loc8 is open – open for everyone to use and they do!
    4. Loc8 is not a postcode, it is an address code – it can be delivered as a National postcode but so far the Department of Communications has chosen not to hear related proposals and an offer of Loc8 to the State for FREE was ignored by former Minister Rabbitte!
    5. No national postcode can be “open” – open suggests that a postcode can be generated from multiple sources including questionable ones and the coding altered by any user to generate differnt reults and different destinations – a recipe for total confusion;- even worse than random Eircodes!
    6. Loc8 Code was used many times last night and over the last 4 years as opposed to OPC;- purely an unused academic project and Eircode;- no more than an unproven concept that has never been subjected to any real world testing!

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    Mute John Rabbett
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    Oct 6th 2014, 9:56 AM

    Will Loc8 work of eircode when it comes in?

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    Mute Gary Delaney
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    Oct 6th 2014, 10:05 AM

    Eircode will only be for the centre of properties where there are letterboxes John – Loc8 will never limit itself in that way!

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    Mute Palidine Dragonrider
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    Oct 6th 2014, 10:05 AM

    There be no boats tonight!

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    Mute eastsmer
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    Oct 7th 2014, 12:18 AM

    Eircode is only for Government taxes.
    If you use any other location method (including loc8) you can pinpoint anywhere in Ireland and offshore on the sea as well if needed.

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    Mute John Rabbett
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    Oct 6th 2014, 10:11 AM

    That’s not really answering the question. I don’t see any point in have 2 systems with 2 separate codes, so will I be able to use an eircode with loc8?

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    Mute Gary Delaney
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    Oct 6th 2014, 10:56 AM

    On the matter of 2 codes;- good point – Loc8 is around for a long number of years and it would be normal for a Government and its Departments to consider existing proven systems (already used by Government agencies) before spending millions on a new one – no one has ever taken time to discuss Loc8 with its owners or consider its proposals for delivering a National postcode!

    But Loc8 is not a postcode it is an address code and there is a difference – Loc8 Can be applied to any location. Regarding a postcode, as is currently proposed by DVENR there will be two postcodes if Eircode ever sees the light of day – Eircode itself and An Post’s exitsing postal address system which they will be continuing to use!
    Confusion?….absolutely! Eircode will not make Ireland’s ambiguous property address system any better – it will make it worse – have a read of the article at this link “Postcodes;- WRONG WAY TURN BACK!” http://www.loc8code.com/news
    And recently, it has been revealed that the Ass Sec Department of Communications has said in a report to the Public Accounts Committe that solving Ireland’s address system would be too complicated, too expensive and not the repsonsibility of the Department of Communications!

    I think your concerns about two seperate systems are correct, but it’s the two (or more) seperate systems from the Department of Communications, An Post and others that are the real concern!

    7
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