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WHEN WE HEAR of women in abusive relationships, we often shake our heads and ask: Why doesn’t she just leave? As if it were that easy. To leave. It’s not.
Domestic violence is an interesting phrase; it conjures up images of bruises, broken limbs, the woman who walked into the door. In fact, it rarely starts that way; it starts like so many other relationships – romantic, sweet, promising.
Attention turns to concern
He pours out attention, oozes affection, listens – in fact he listens very, very well. He learns all about this lovely woman – what makes her tick, who is important in her life, what she is most afraid of, where her weaknesses are.
And that attention can quickly turn to concern – where were you? I’m only asking out of concern. The concern then becomes obsession – I’ve called you five times, why didn’t you answer? The obsession then becomes control – I’ve told you not to leave the house. I’ve told you not to speak to your sister; your family are always causing trouble. You’re useless, fat, ugly – you’re too sensitive, can you not take a joke? And then finally, ‘you know I love you, I can’t live without you’.
Living with this roller coaster of abuse/ adoration can make your head spin – you don’t know which way is up. You learn to please, you learn to soothe – you begin to believe that you’re the problem – if I were thinner/ smarter/ could control the kids/ was less sensitive – and that the solution is in you – so you try to change, you try to become different, you behave ‘better’. Because you’re at fault.
He didn’t mean to do it
When the first slap lands, it stings in its violence, and it stuns in its shock – you can’t believe what just happened. Because you’re desperate to keep this horror private, you may join with him in making excuses – he didn’t mean to do it, his hand slipped, he was drunk, he was stressed, he had a bad childhood…..you’re ashamed. Think about that. HE breaks all the rules of decent behaviour, and YOU are ashamed.
And so goes the cycle – adoration, control, violence –it can take a long time for a woman to see what is happening, and most importantly to see she is not the problem – HE is.
When this woman – maybe a woman you love – finally sees how abused she is, can finally see through the control, the intimidation, and says the words out loud – he’s abusing me, he hit me – how will we react? Will we say ‘why don’t you just leave’?
Where should she go?
Let’s think that one through – why doesn’t she leave? Well, where should she go? She knows there is a housing crisis. Very possibly, she has no financial independence – she may have no independent income, no access to any money. She may be isolated from her family – she believed him when he convinced her that her family were causing trouble, that all she really needed was him – now he is all she has.
If she has children, she worries for them – what will happen, they need their dad, will Social Services take them? And because he knows her so well, because of that attentive listening he did, he knows her fears – he has already begun to play on them.
So – back to the question – why doesn’t she leave? She thinks she has nowhere to go. She is afraid she will lose her children. She is sure no-one will believe her – he is pleasant, charming, helpful to the world outside their home. She’s not sure she has the strength – sadly, she may have come to believe all those negative and nasty things he said about her.
When we ask that question – why doesn’t she leave? – we abuse again – we again say to this woman – this is your fault, you need to act, you need to leave your home, you need to flee with your children, you need to engage with the authorities, you need to defend yourself. You. You who did nothing wrong.
It is time to think about the women in our lives – our daughters, sisters, friends and colleagues. Think about their courage and strength. And be ready to ask instead ‘What do you need right now and how can I support you?’
Dr Carol Baumann is part of COPE Galway Domestic Violence Refuge & Outreach Service. COPE Galway’s Domestic Violence Services in Galway, offers support to women and their children who experience domestic violence and abuse. If you are concerned about your own situation or that of someone you love, please phone us confidentially on 091 565985.
I mostly agree which the article but sometimes, yes only sometimes is the man the victim. I didn’t read that in the article which makes it a little bit on the side of man hating.
@neilo: That is untrue. Women are more likely to be the perpetrators of domestic violence, and lesbian relationships are the ones most likely to involve violence, by some margin. Women are more likely than men to be physically injured by DV.
@Hans Vos: No it doesn’t. The vast majority of domestic violence is against women and writing an article about it is in no way “man hating”. When a man is a victim of domestic violence he deserves the same help and support.
@neilo: exectly what I said .Most of the time but not always. Even a small mention could have made this article 2 sided but there was none of it.
@Ben McArthur: Rubbish.
@neilo: neilo, don’t these statistics, as your present them mean that women are 6 times more likely to report IPV to the authorities? Not that they are 6 times more likely to be the victim of IPV.
@neilo: I said ” a little bit man hating ” if I recall mezelf correctly. Overlooked on your part would you say?
@neilo: I did.
@neilo: No but I have the same question again.
@Hans Vos: Hans, if there was an article written about men suffering domestic abuse do you think any woman would post under it saying – oh there’s no mention of men perpetrating domestic violence so this article is a little bit misogynistic?
@neilo: let’s get it straight here. You said (bombastically) “Domestic abuse” is overwhelmingly perpetrated by (men) against women.
Domestic Abuse can be physical, verbal /mental, etc
Don’t talk about “research” ffs, as if everyone who suffers DA automatically reports it and some poll might validate something for you
For example, the effects of being involved with someone on the spectrum of Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder is crushing and soul destroying. Who is to say that is not more damaging than physical abuse. In my opinion it definitely can be. Those afflicted with NPD can perpetrate incredibly hurtful abuse with bruises that last years not weeks
Injecting sexism into an article about Domestic Abuse is tiresome and dangerous.
especially in this age of “equality”
@Siobhan O Reilly: , Exectly what I said.Why not mentioned even one line in the article about man victims.
@neilo: Ok so you acknowledge that the 5% and 29% stats you presented do not reflect the % of men and women in Ireland that are victims of IPV.
It is an interesting combination of statistics you have presented. Women are just over double as likely to have suffered IPV in their lifetime, based on reported crimes, but men are 6 times less likely to report IPV?
@Lisa Saputo: yes.
@neilo: That’s more like it. If you look at *serious* IPV, i.e. causing physical injury, women are more likely to be the victims. What you can’t tell from that is whether men or women are more likely to be the perpetrators (whether serious or not). If you look at current relationship v past relationship stats, the suggestion is that a smaller number of men are serial abusers.
@neilo: women are more likely to emotionally abuse a partner rather than physically. Its a lot harder to identify the scars when they are mental and not physical. Those abusive women often undermine and manipulate their men in order to prove their dominance in the relationship where an abusive man uses physical force. Both do damage and both need to be stopped. There is no excuse for a man hitting a woman…we all know that and agree…but there is equally no excuse for a woman emotionally abusing her partner or kids either…and i have seen it. That is abuse too. All men can or most men at any rate will readily agree there is no excuse to hit a woman and never would…would most women agree that there is no excuse to emotionally abuse their man and do they practice that??? I wonder?
@Hans Vos: but why dont we ever see a balanced article? Why do all these articles portray women only as victims of domestic violence and men only as perpetrators? That is not reality. And the problem is that everyone can agree…men especially that it is WRONG to hit a woman. Why cant women come out and say it is categorically wrong for a woman to hit a man…to emotionally abuse or undermine a man too? Why do we never see an article with that in the subtext too? It seems the agenda is to paint all women as whiter than white and men as blacker than black. That isnt reality. Most men and women are good people and properly socialized but a minority of men and women commit all the domestic abuse. These women may not hit…but have more weapons at their disposal. Abuse of any kind is wrong
@neilo: You seem quite hostile. The statistics you present indicate that women are far more likely to report IPV than men, but a study of reported IPV in Ireland indicates that women are roughly double as likely to suffer severe IPV in their lifetime.
@neilo: I’ve made my point using only the statistics you presented, and yes you seem quite hostile. Enjoy the holiday!
@neilo: wow very touchy fellas here today might have struck a nerve.. Don’t be getting too uppity now or ye will be getting names put on you….
@Lisa Saputo: they would post under it that she must have had a reason. That he must have done something to deserve it.
@neilo: yes…of course it is easier to categorize and recognize violence as the effects are there to see and easily documented by police…such as bruising, broken bones etc. But emotional and psychological abuse is not so easy to categorize or recognize by the untrained person…only a therapist or psychologist could really determine that. And thats why it is so damaging…plus it is the modus operandi of the abusive woman more often than not. But women never talk about this. Why? Why dont women come out en masse and state…this is WRONG. Stop it. Its cruel, evil, and just as screwed up as any man hitting a woman. Most men i know would readily stand up and say that with no problem and would defend a woman against that. I would. Would most women do the same against abusive women?
@neilo: and i think it should be up to men to come out and publicly pronounce that domestic violence and abuse against women is wrong…it needs to stop and is never ever the right way to behave. It only teaches sons that its a valid way to behave in a relationship…to be abusive is okay is not a lesson any child should learn. But…women conversely need to role out and state that verbal, emotional and psychological abuse against a man is wrong too and is never acceptable in any way in any situation. If a man or woman resort to violence or verbal / emotional abuse in order to dominate a partner then the full weight of society should be against them. Everyone should be campaigning for this. Men do stand up against male domestic violence…women have yet to reciprocate.
@neilo: You are misinterpreting that statistic. It is saying that only 5% of men are abused. What it is saying is that only 5% of men (one in twenty) who are abused report it to the authorities while 29% of women (one in three) report it. What it shows is the difficulty for men in reporting as compared to women.
@Frank McGlynn: Sorry the second sentence should read “It is NOT saying….”
@Lisa Saputo: yes
Excellent Very Well Said thats exactly what happens unfortunately you can only see it when you come out the other side of it and do manage to get away from the Violence
@Janet Jan Coyle: We need to keep this issue in the spotlight. Some men seem to think that women are making it all up and it’s actually only men who are the victims.
@Michael Knight: It would seem that way. I think some men are in denial because they think we think they are “all the same” and there is some onus on them to fix the problem. The fact is we are all reluctant to get involved for fear of making it even worse.
Nonsense…. in the end, the only way to end an abusive relationship is to leave. Someone, at some point has to ask them to leave, or even help them do it. They’re assisting, not abusing
@Ciaran Whyte: Well that article went straight over your head.
@Ciaran Whyte: read article again professor….
@Róisín Daly: Very passive aggressive reply there Roisín, that’s the kind of snide rhetoric that encapsulates emotional abuse. Thanks for demonstraing it in you posts here
@Ciaran Whyte: My mother asked her abuser to leave. He refused.
I asked him to leave. He refused.
My siblings asked him to leave. He refused.
Even after a judicial ruling, he still refused to leave.
Asking. Them. To. Stop/Leave. Does. Not. Work.
If it did, these people would not continue engaging in the sexual, physical, psychological, and mental abuse of their intimate partners, (their) children, or other family members.
The author should have made the article gender neutral so the Broflakes don’t get triggered.
@Michael Knight: no not for what you call Broflaked but to keep it more honest.
@neilo: Just another day on the Kool-Aid for the lads.
Hopefully this insightful article on how abusers inflict such pain and suffering on their victims, will help raise awareness and maybe help victims and bystanders to seek support and stop this toxic abuse that permeates these relationships.
@Gemma Murphy: You are correct. But why is the onus on the victims to seek help. They did no wrong. Why dont we make sure ABUSERS get help (not that they deserve any). Then there is some hope of a peaceful end to the situation which is what everyone wants. Abusers arent always beyond help or redemption. A friend of mine was going through a terrible time with her husband, he was screaming at her everyday after work. He pushed her around. She made him get help for his anger/stress issues and after 6 months or so he moved back in and everything is good. Of course i do realise that wont work in a lot of situations but i do think its important to consider helping the abuser which in turn helps the victims..
@Sinead Hanley:
Sinead, you were going well until you typed (not that they deserve any). Someone either needs help or they dont, Abusers are sick people, maybe some are evil and no help will ever change them, but your begrudging demeanour towards someone who can change, as in your friends experience, does not help.
@Ger Healy: I see what you are saying. Yes i was bugrudging. Its hard to be enthusiastic for someone who terrorises their family. But i still think its important to help the abuser.. Maybe not as begrudgingly as i did. I do think there is genuine hope for some though.
There’s nothing more hideous than a bully terrorising someone who’s physically and mentally weaker than him/her.
@Jonny Irish: Let me clarify something for you. A victim of intimate partner and domestic violence is far from mentally weaker than the perpetrator of the violence. The perpetrators of intimate partner and domestic violence spend an inordinate amount of time convincing victims they are. They aren’t.
This article is so true and of course men get abused as well no one is saying they don’t but the majority of victims are women. No-one man or woman has the right or should be abused in any way in a relationship and I’m speaking as a survivor.
@Sorcha Hendry instagram: @SorchaHendry86:
Well said. I totally agree. I am happy for you that you survived. Unlike so many others.
Such a powerful insightful article on the way abusers inflict such pain and suffering on their victims. Hopefully, the awareness raised here, will help victims and bystanders to recognise the signs of this toxic abuse and seek assistance.
@Gemma Murphy: well said
Excellent insight to the rollercoaster mindset of the abused victim. Women need to support women in abuse – to understand and not question their motives for staying. And to those readers who focus on “man hate” comments; we all know Abuse happens to men as well as women, that’s a given. But this article is specifically about why “women stay with an abusive partner?” It would be empowering if women were on the same side if we refused to be pitted against each other if we unconditionally and without question listened to the lone voice of abuse.
@Patricia Tsouros: “abuse happens to men as well as women, that’s a given”. I kinda see that as the problem. Why do we take it as a given? Why are we only focused on solving the problem for one side? I see some people posting that it is predominantly women who are victims so they should be the ones helped. Fair enough, I can understand that point though I don’t agree we should ignore the other victims. Should suicide prevention hotlines be only for men as they are the predominant victims or should they be gender neutral? If neutral, why should an issue like domestic violence be treated differently? Just because of the gender of the victims? If that’s your logic, how long have you been a bigot?
It is much more difficult for men to get out. If these things go to court they usually end in separation/divorce. Regardless of which partner is abusive the family law system is structured so that men always lose. She will get the family home, the children and most of the family income even if she is the abusive partner.
@Frank McGlynn: That is simply not true. My mother is not the only intimate partner and domestic abuse victim who was repeatedly forced into court by her abuser because he refused to mediate. My mother is not the only intimate partner and domestic abuse victim who was forced to spend thousands to be granted a judicial separation. My mother is not the only intimate partner and domestic abuse victim whose home was sold as part of the judicial separation because the perpetator of her and her family’s abuse refused to be bought out of his share.
Girls if a man even raises his hand…. Walk out n don’t look back ever…. your safely is what’s important
@Tony Mc Donald: Please be aware that physical violence can enter a relationship long after the psychological and mental abuse has been established. Upon which time a victim can be easily manipulated into forgiving, and/or accepting, the physical, and sexual, violence.
@Felicity Hensen: yeah 100 percent! Totally agree I do understand that….
To say to a women or man in an abusive relationship, “why dont you leave, well I wouldnt put up with it” is a judgement, and only makes the person feel more shame!! It is more helpful, to support the person, “I see whats going on and Im concerned for your safety. You have options, and deserve to be safe” and then point them in the direction of support services. The article did describe the circle of abuse well, and mention several reasons why the person stays. It is a myth to think men cant be abused too!! and to say so, is making those men feel shame!
Poor, poor women.
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