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Tuesday 26 September 2023 Dublin: 12°C
Laura Hutton/Photocall Ireland Leo Varadkar makes his own way with the bus
# Not the News
Only losers take the bus, right Leo?: The week's news skewed
Breaking via The Mire wire: The Gathering at the Dáil; Cabinet clones; Alan Shatter knows what you did last summer.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Bus staff rage as Varadkar records Only Losers Take The Bus

Monday, 13 May

Transport Minister Leo Varadkar has infuriated striking Bus Eireann staff by recording a song lampooning bus passengers.

Inspired by Canadian astronaut Commander Chris Hadfield’s version of Space Oddity, Mr Varadkar chose to record The Fatima Mansions’ Only Losers Take The Bus.

It is understood the video for the song shows Mr Varadkar singing on a Bus Eireann bus while trying to make his guitar float in zero gravity.

He was peeved when his guitar wouldn’t float,” an aide said. “It was his first time on a bus and he didn’t realise they don’t have zero gravity.”

Thousands struggle to get to work after bus strike suspended

Tuesday, 14 May

Thousands of commuters struggled to get to work this morning after Bus Éireann workers suspended their strike action.

Many were stranded at bus stops around the country waiting for buses that had already left.

Why do I believe the timetable?” a Longford man banging his head off a bus stop said. “There won’t be another one for hours.”

There’s no doubt buses cause absenteeism,” an employment expert said. “At least when they’re on strike commuters make other arrangements.”

Cabinet back “awesome” possibility of cloning each other

Wednesday, 15 May

The Cabinet will meet today to progress the “awesome” possibility of cloning each other.

This follows a breakthrough in the United States where human embryo clones were produced.

This is so awesome,” Transport Minister Leo Varadkar said. “I’ll finally have someone on my level to talk to.”

While all ministers want to be cloned there is a reluctance among them to go first.

We’re a bit wary in case anything goes wrong,” a Cabinet source said. “So we’re starting with James Reilly.”

No matter what went wrong with cloning him it couldn’t be worse than the original.”

The Mire ‘humbled’ as stories become Government policy

Thursday, 16 May

The Mire was humbled today after Expenditure Minister Brendan Howlin revealed he based policy on Mire stories.

Mr Howlin told that Government ministers would not be singled out for pay cuts.

This follows a Mire story on 26 February that said Howlin pledged no further cuts to ministers’ pay.

The Mire is available to draft policy for the Government for a reasonable fee.

Alan Shatter knows what you did last summer

Friday, 17 May

Justice Minister Alan Shatter knows what you did last summer.

Mr Shatter told Independent TD Mick Wallace on Prime Time that he knew he had been verbally warned by gardaí last May for using a mobile phone while driving.

Later Mr Shatter revealed that a single mother in Blanchardstown had been putting dirty nappies in her neighbour’s wheelie bin.

He then told a Lucan man to stop seeing his neighbour’s wife.

The all-seeing eye of Alan is watching you,” a garda said. “Be afraid; be very afraid.”

All eyes on Ireland for Oireachtas Abortion Festival

Friday, 17 May

The signature event of The Gathering gets underway today with the highly anticipated Oireachtas Abortion Festival.

For three days all eyes will be on Ireland’s abortion interpretive dances and carefully choreographed displays of abortion hysteria.

It’s what The Gathering is all about, it’s what Ireland is all about. Come dance with us in Ireland,” a tourism spokesman said.

Uniquely, this festival does not feature a chill out area although many think it should.

Festivalgoers are advised to wear wellies in case the floodgates open.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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