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TDs admit getting ‘carried away’ with 3D printer

Monday, 6 May

Leinster House is running out of room to store arses after the Government admitted to getting carried away with the State’s only 3D printer.

“We had to make sure it worked so we photocopied our arses,” a TD explained.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

An eyewitness said there were now more arses than usual running rampant around the Dáil with no regard for parliamentary democracy.

Free GP care for long-term well by 2014

Tuesday, 7 May

The Government is finalising plans to provide free GP care for all healthy citizens by 2014.

The long-term well will receive GP cards which will entitle them to free GP care once they remain well.

Any of the long-term well who become ill will forfeit the cards as a matter of course.

“If a well person becomes ill that would be regarded as a breach of contract,” a Department of Health spokesman said. “We would take a dim view of that.”

Political aides acted on own initiative when making potholes

Wednesday, 9 May

Several Fine Gael TDs have insisted they had no idea their parliamentary assistants had been digging potholes in their constituencies.

One TD said his assistant had acted on his own and was not encouraged to do so by the gift of a Kango Hammer.

“That was a DIY gift from me on his birthday,” the TD explained. “I never thought he’d use it to make potholes.”

Gardaí say they are investigating allegations against nine parliamentary assistants accused of deliberately making potholes so their TDs could then get them filled in.

“Even if nine of our assistants did this, they were all acting on their own initiative,” another TD insisted.

It is not thought that this case is related to the case of another aide who got rid of newspapers that carried a negative article about his TD.

Plan for child benefit to fund children’s prisons welcomed

Thursday, 9 May

A Government plan to divert child benefit to fund extra prison places for children has received widespread approval from parents and children.

The plan follows reports that children aren’t getting custodial sentences as there is nowhere to put them.

“It’s a disgrace that my son can’t go to prison until he’s 18,” a parent said. “It’s discrimination.”

Many children also approved of the plan.

“It’d be nice to see some of the children’s allowance spent on children for a change,” a child explained. “I bet they’ve Fifa 13 in prison.”

Fine Gael TDs to insult each other as Twitter practice

Friday, 10 May

Fine Gael TDs have been encouraged to insult each other to get them used to using social media.

Digital media experts have told the party’s TDs that this would be an ideal preparation for interacting with the public on Twitter.

“Phil Hogan has taken to it like a duck to water,” a Fine Gael TD said. “But Enda can be a bit sensitive.”

“It would be helpful if members of the public would take the time to insult Fine Gael TDs whenever you happen to come across them,” a digital media expert said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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