CONTROVERSY AT THE Freemasons’ Hall? Preparations underway for a conclave as the late Pope lies in state? Yet another escalation in the geopolitical turmoil that has defined the last several years?

Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that somewhere along the way we left behind the world we knew and entered… the Dan Brown zone. Please be careful, this is a world in which you can be assassinated by a monk at any time. Granted, how all of these stories will end up dovetailing before we can be saved by Robert Langdon and a beautiful young female detective remain to be seen, but let’s plough ahead for now.

In Ireland this week, the Freemasons ended up launching not one but two investigations into media filmed in the Grand Lodge Room of their Dublin headquarters. The first was an interview between right-wing American outrage merchant Tucker Carlson and national nuisance Conor McGregor, a dialogue which saw the former fighter broadcast multiple inflammatory and debunked statements. 

Among other things, McGregor baselessly blamed An Garda Síochána for a spate of unspecified suicides relating to… checking whether or not cars have been properly taxed and NCT’d. Coincidentally, McGregor himself has in the past pled guilty to speeding offences, and was charged with six separate traffic offences in 2022. He has a grand total of 17 traffic offences and was banned from driving for two years back in 2024.

Carlson, intrepid interviewer that he is, did not ask McGregor to back-up this assertion, instead agreeing with him that: “If they’re shaking you down with the armed police… They hate you, and they are trying to kill you.” You know, the kind of normal stuff you tell your friends to keep their minds in a good place. 

Richard SG Ensor, the Grand Master Elect of the Lodge, told members that “the damage that has been caused” to the reputation of the Freemasons by the interview is “incalculable,” and a €2,500 charitable donation has been made to “an appropriate non-political charity”. 

The second investigation pertains to the filming of a music video by Eskimo Supreme, best known as a former half of the disbanded Dublin rap duo Versatile. Also filmed in the Grand Lodge Room (we’ll get back to that apparent coincidence in a moment, by the way), the video for Supreme’s song ‘Spit In It!’ is, to put it mildly, not going to be featuring in any Freemasons promo material.

The video depicts Supreme as a beefeater guard who eventually mounts a woman mocked up to look like Camilla Parker Bowles while a CGI dragon flies over Westminster, shouting lyrics like “Spit in my c***”. The Freemasons are a secretive organisation and we are not fully sure what they get up to behind closed doors, but it seems they’re not on board with this kind of thing, judging by the dual investigation that has been launched.

The song, and here’s the coincidence, was released on Conor McGregor’s Greenback Records. Which raises more questions than it answers, really. How did Conor McGregor find out about this room, for example? And why does he like it so much? Did he go to a really good birthday party there once, or perhaps enjoy a tour of the building on Culture Night?

It also begs the question: what else has been going on in that room without the Freemasons’ knowledge? Raves? Have people been smuggling in bouncy castles and having a right old bounce in the Grand Lodge? I suppose we’ll leave the masons to their secret handshakes for now and let them complete their investigation.

While we’re on the subject of Irish rap music and investigations, by the way, the Metropolitan Police’s counter-terrorism unit announced this week that they would be reviewing footage from a Kneecap concert that took place in November last year. 

At this point, there could be no better news for the Belfast trio. They are steadily establishing themselves not only as a pro-United Ireland, pro-Palestine protest act, but one of the most significant popular voices of protest globally. 

Last weekend, they performed at Coachella – the US’ most significant music festival – in front of a screen displaying messages such as: “Israel is committing genocide against the Palestinian people” and “It is being enabled by the US government who arm and fund Israel despite their war crimes”.

That the group has announced a sold out tour across a country which is now nakedly imprisoning and attempting to deport non-citizens for holding the same views on Palestine that Kneecap do sets the stage for the possibility of high drama, and an opportunity for Mo Chara, Moglai Bap and DJ Provai to set themselves out as the faces of a growing, popular anti-imperialist movement. 

America’s influence continues to be felt the world over. Pope Francis died hours after meeting JD Vance, for example. That’s not to suggest any correlation by any means, except to say that all things considered it seems as though the Pope had an understandable reaction.

Vance’s next stop was a state visit to India, which also went just about as badly as it could have possibly gone. Tensions between India and Pakistan reached new highs during the visit, after an incident in which 26 Indian tourists were killed by militants in the Kashmir region. India responded by threatening to cut off a significant source of water to Pakistan, as well as closing borders, suspending bilateral diplomatic ties and revoking visas.

While his Vice President has been on a carnage world tour, Donald Trump has been busy doing what the rest of us do — complaining about the state of the world online. This week, he offered a rare ‘criticism’ of Russian leader Vladimir Putin, though it was perhaps less a criticism and instead more of a cry for help.

As Putin continued to rain fire on Kyiv, Trump begged him to stop on social media: “I am not happy with the Russian strikes on KYIV. Not necessary, and very bad timing. Vladimir, STOP! 5000 soldiers a week are dying. Lets get the Peace Deal DONE!” Ah, there’s that ‘unrelenting focus on peace’ that Micheál Martin praised him for. Sure, it’s not quite ‘Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall’ but hey, it’s better than nothing.

So as we close out a week with at least four nuclear-armed countries in varying states of tension with one another, let’s simply be grateful for another day where the world hasn’t literally fallen down on our heads just yet.

And hey, even if it does, I know a Grand Lodge Room we can rent out for shelter that doesn’t ask too many questions.