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Not now
Sunday 24 September 2023 Dublin: 18°C
Sasko Lazarov/Photocall Ireland We'll all fit in a phone box, yeah?
# Not the News
Here is the week's news... skewed
Breaking via The Mire wire: A Gathering storm; Al-Quinnada; and Mitt Romney’s Irish cousin?

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Tourism body seeks venue small enough to host The Gathering

Monday, 5 November

Fáilte Ireland is scouring the country for a venue small enough to host The Gathering 2013.

Traditional venues like hotels and pubs are not favoured as it is hoped that The Gathering will be an intimate experience for the person who attends it.

“There’s nothing worse than a party in an empty room,” a source said. “So we’re looking for something cosy, something intimate, something about the size of a phonebox or portable loo.”

The source then began to sob heavily and curse Gabriel Byrne.

No need to worry about top bankers’ welfare this Christmas

Tuesday, 6 November

Six members of staff at the former Anglo Irish Bank could spend more on themselves this Christmas than anyone else in the country earns per annum.

According to a survey by The Mire the six IBRC employees could comfortably spend €150,000 each on themselves if they so wished.

Alternatively, they could spend nothing and pass the holiday period counting their €500,000 plus incomes.

Either way, the welfare of these six “bankers” is one thing Mire readers don’t have to worry about this Christmas.

“That’s a load off my mind. I’ll just worry about money for heating oil instead,” a reader said.

Irish cousin of Mitt Romney resigned to life of anonymity

Wednesday, 7 November

A deflated eighth cousin of Mitt Romney from Moneygall in Offaly has resigned himself to a life of complete anonymity.

“I guess I’ll never be invited to the White House now,” he said. “They won’t be interviewing me on Morning Ireland.”

The man, whose name The Mire couldn’t be arsed asking, has shelved plans to invite Romney to Offaly.

“Damn Henry Healy anyway,” he said of his neighbour. “Why does he get all the luck?”

Al Quinnaida ‘not responsible’ for fire at Quinn Group premises

Thursday, 8 November

Al Quinnaida, the radical revolutionary group that believes Seán Quinn is the one true prophet, has denied responsibility for a fire at a Quinn Group premises in Fermanagh.

Police in Northern Ireland believe the fire was started deliberately.

“It wasn’t us,” a shadowy Al Quinnaida figure said. “We were milking. Farms don’t run themselves you know.”

Shortage of crayons could affect referendum outcome

Friday, 9 November

A shortage of crayons could affect the outcome of the children’s referendum.

In the latest error in the government’s handling of the referendum boxes of crayons ordered for polling stations have gone missing. The crayons were intended to placate and distract agitated campaigners on both sides.

“The Cabinet took them,” a backbench TD said. “They get all the good stuff.”

“Leo Varadkar is in there right now losing games of noughts and crosses with himself.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

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