ASK NOT FOR whom the road closes, it closes for thee. Ah, the EU presidency. Sure we’ll miss it when it’s gone.

Ireland’s presidency of the Council of the European Union will conclude on New Year’s Eve, which means we’ve only got about six weeks left before the last road reopens. We won’t know what to do with ourselves. 

This week marked the pièce de résistance of the six-month affair as dozens of European political leaders gathered in Dublin for the European Political Community summit, marking the largest and most expensive security operation in the history of the state. Do you know how much it costs to close a road? Those little steel barriers ain’t cheap, pal. 

Of course, there is a lens through which the European Political Community summit may seem somewhat esoteric. Discussions at an EU level don’t often give the impression of having an immediate impact on our lives, with the exception of having to walk through town rather than get the bus for a couple of days, or noticing that your favourite city centre bin has been put out of commission for security reasons (this would have been easier to make a joke about before bomb threats became a very real part of our lives). 

Making history 

Nevertheless, the week delivered comprehensively when it comes to sentences that have surely never been uttered by a living soul before. One headline from the Irish Times, for example, read: ‘Albanian PM narrowly avoids egg at protest in Dublin’.

Maybe it is naive of us to think that this is a rarity. Perhaps their prime ministers are perennially on the end of attempted ovular projectile attacks. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing Enver Hoxha would have stood for but maybe since they’ve been a democracy, their elected officials have become used to such treatment. The Albanian community in Ireland were protesting the PM over accusations of corruption in his government. 

Edi Rama was not the only political leader to be pelted with a breakfast staple this week, either (Edi Rama is the name of the Albanian prime minister, but of course you already knew that). Totally unrelated to the EPC, Joe Biden made a surprise appearance in Trinity College this week as his son Hunter was welcomed by one of the college’s debating societies for an honorary award.

The Biden family were met by Palestinian solidarity protesters, some of whom threw milk at the entourage, before the scene devolved into a very aggressive show of force by gardaí. Video footage from the incident included scenes of protesters being hit with weapons while restrained on the ground. 

The Irish Council for Civil Liberties said it was “deeply concerned by video footage, published by The Journal and many people present at a protest, appearing to show a garda kneel on a protester’s neck or upper back, while repeatedly striking him with a baton to his neck and shoulder area.”

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It was not so long ago that Joe Biden was greeted onstage in Ballina by a scene that more closely resembled the return of a WWE legend. Sometimes all it takes for people to turn on you is using your presidency to facilitate and fund a years-long genocide. Us Irish are a fickle people. There were two arrests made during the protest at Trinity College, and two further arrests made during a pro-Palestine demonstration that took place in the city centre on Thursday. 

Spider-Man at the EPC

While it didn’t make the headlines, another such story from the week was the spotting of Spider-Man out for a jog along the quays on Wednesday, the night before the big EPC. While it can’t be ruled out that it was truly Peter Parker working on his 10km time on a brisk Dublin evening, it seems fair to conclude that the real Spider-Man probably would have been there to protect the Albanian prime minister in his time of need. Unless Spider-Man has some kind of beef with Albania… See what I mean? Sentences that have never been written before, my friends. 

The reason behind the speculation is that this ersatz friendly neighbourhood superhero was trailed by what appeared to be a bodyguard, suggesting that this was someone in need of protection and anonymity taking the opportunity to stretch their legs (perhaps ahead of a long day of talks about AI and EU budgets). The bodyguard is, of course, another strike against the idea that this was the real Spider-Man, because why would the real Spider-Man need protection?

Based on the physique of this spidered man, others thought that it might be Niall Horan, who was playing a gig at the 3Arena this week.  Slim, roughly 5’8, perfect running form, a need for anonymity due to hordes of screaming fans. Of course, this could also be used to describe generationally talented digital-only opinion columnist Carl Kinsella, but I injured my quad playing five-a-side a few weeks ago so I have an airtight alibi. 

While the EU leaders were doing their thing, there were other meetings of great consequence taking place in locations that could not look less suitable. Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy met with US envoys Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff in Dublin with a view to making peace in Ukraine, and successfully negotiated a hostage swap between Moscow and Kyiv. 

When one images peace being struck, one might imagine a palace with colonnaded halls and marble floors, but why shouldn’t it be a tiny box room in Baldonnel with 16 bottles of water (eight still and eight sparkling) on the conference table between four men? And I know what you’re thinking! That doesn’t sound like enough water! But don’t worry, they had some spares on the coffee table.

In terms of brand-new sentences, another might be: ‘The Ukrainian president cleared away the bottles of Deep RiverRock from the table before the peace talks began at Baldonnel Airport’. This one is abstract enough that it almost sounds like advice from Confucius, but that’s what making history is all about, folks — doing things that have never been done before. 

And soon it’ll all be over. After our EU presidency concludes on 31 December, we likely won’t hold the role again until 2040, by which point eggs will be an outdated method of protest and the future Albanian prime minister will instead be pelted with some sort of genetically enhanced superfood that will be even harder to dodge. But until then, we will soon bid our time as collective presidents of Europe adieu.

Signed, your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man.