“I CAN’T GO in today, Mom. I just can’t…”

That familiar phrase still causes my chest to tighten and my heart to race. As both a parent and a teacher, I’ve experienced school reluctance from both sides. I’ve met many families whose children struggle with it too, and I know how deeply distressing it can be.

For most children, school is somewhere they go quite willingly.

Yes, they might choose to stay at home if given the option – wouldn’t we all! There may be complaints on a Monday morning, but generally, they look forward to learning, seeing friends and having some fun along the way.

For others, even the thought of going to school can trigger anxiety and distress. These children may complain of tummy aches or headaches, become visibly upset or withdrawn. For them, the school day can feel like a mountain to climb – every single day.
School reluctance and avoidance is sometimes mistaken for defiance or laziness, but often it is neither.

It is communication.

Many of these children desperately want to go to school, but their anxiety can feel overwhelming.

Behind it can lie a variety of different factors, like separation or social anxiety, learning needs, academic pressures, friendship difficulties, perfectionism or sensory overwhelm to name a few. For many children, neurodivergence may be a contributing factor, especially when the sensory, social and day-to-day demands of school start to feel like too much.

The impact on parents

Naturally, parents feel stuck. Knowing what to do can feel impossible. When your child is crying and clinging to you at the school gates, trying to get them through the classroom door can go against every parental instinct to comfort and protect them. Yet, at the same time, you know that allowing them to avoid what is making them anxious isn’t likely to help in the long run.

The challenge is finding that middle ground, acknowledging your child’s distress while supporting them through it, rather than allowing anxiety to run the show.

School reluctance can affect an entire household, yet its impact on parents is often overlooked. Anxiety frequently peaks the night before school or first thing in the morning, exactly when family life is at its busiest.

Many parents will recognise the scene. You are trying to get everyone organised and out the door. You’re thinking about work and the meeting you’re not prepared for. You’re trying to make yourself presentable, or more presentable, at least, while remembering the urgent jobs your frazzled brain compiled the night before but forgot to write down.
Then school reluctance hits, and everything is thrown into the air.

Siblings become upset. You feel yourself becoming frustrated and overwhelmed, which can send your already distressed child into an even worse spin. Nothing seems to work.

What can we do?

So what can parents actually do?

The first step is to get curious rather than cross.

Sunday-night worries, Monday-morning tummy aches, and repeated last-minute pleas to stay at home are worth listening to. Find a quiet moment when the pressure is off and ask what part of school feels difficult. I find the car or a walk ideal for these conversations. Children can often tell us more than we expect when they feel genuinely listened to.

Instead of the instinctive “You’re fine” or “You’ll be grand”, try, “I know school feels hard lately. Can you tell me which part feels tricky?”

Listen without judgment and remember that the child’s feelings and perception of what is happening are very real to them. Validating these feelings is important, but that doesn’t mean we are allowing the anxiety to make every decision.

Avoiding something that scares us brings immediate relief and, as parents, it’s completely natural to want to give our child that relief. But when avoidance becomes the main way of coping, it can unintentionally reinforce the belief in the child that they aren’t strong enough to cope with the situation. Over time, the anxiety can grow, and the situation can spiral.

The message children should hear is: “I know this is hard, and I believe you can get through hard things.”

Parents should also contact the school early. Home and school working together can make a huge difference.

Sometimes relatively small changes help, like a familiar teacher or SNA meeting the child on arrival, regular check-ins, a quiet space when things become overwhelming, or a special classroom responsibility that strengthens their sense of belonging and connection.

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Keeping cool in the storm

When emotions are running high, the most powerful thing we can do is to stay calm. When a child is highly distressed, lengthy explanations, threats and arguments don’t work. Logic won’t reach them, but your calm presence will. Keep your tone steady and the next step predictable: “I know you’re worried, but It’s time to get dressed now. We’ll have breakfast, and then we’ll leave.”

Believe me, I know from experience that this is much easier said than done, and even the most patient parent can be tested. The aim is not parental perfection, but simply to try, as best we can, not to let our own anxiety add to theirs.

Predictability helps too. Prepare clothes, lunches and schoolbags the night before. Keep mornings as consistent and calm as possible. Small choices, like toast or cereal, which music to play in the car, can give children some sense of control without making school attendance itself the decision.

Most importantly, look beneath the behaviour.

Looking a little deeper

If school reluctance persists, don’t focus only on getting your child through the classroom door. Instead, ask what is making that door feel so difficult to walk through.

When a child is dysregulated, entering the classroom may feel impossible in that moment. Helping them feel safe and regulated should come first.

In those circumstances, the answer is not simply to push harder. Parents, school staff and relevant professionals may need to develop a gradual, individualised plan.

If separation anxiety seems to be at the heart of it, keep goodbyes predictable and most importantly, brief. In my experience, long goodbyes can make things harder. Sometimes changing who does the school drop-off can help too, particularly if your child finds separating from one parent more difficult. Reassure them that you’ll see them at the agreed time and, where possible, allow a teacher or SNA to take over.

There may be a variety of other factors making school hard to manage. Speak to the school about what staff are noticing. If the distress is significant, persistent or affecting your child’s wider wellbeing, seek advice from your GP or another appropriate professionals.

There is no single approach that will work for every child.

Progress can be slow and frustrating, two steps forward, one step back. But through it all, perhaps the most important message we can give our children is this: we believe them when they tell us something is hard, and we believe in their ability, with the right support, to find a way through it.